DS 9 hates me

[Lankylilly]

I’m going though a really tough phase with my DS age 9. He’s started being really rude to me, answering back, refusing to do as he’s asked even if this means he will be disadvantaged (e.g. I’ll say ‘it’s time to leave for the playdate now, let’s get ready’ he’ll refuse then we’ll end up being late for the playdate). He has absolutely no respect for me and hardly a day goes by when we’re not arguing or I’m upset by something he’s said. He isn’t like this with anyone else and his Dad can do no wrong (he tells me daily how he prefers his dad to me, which really hurts me as I do the vast majority of the childcare). I find his behaviour really triggering and I’m having some therapy to try and deal with it in a better way, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still happening. DS does sometimes show remorse when he sees how upset I am and has said that he doesn’t know why he behaves the way he does, but 5 mins later he’s back to being rude.

Has anyone been though anything similar and can point me in the direction of some resources that might offer advice?

I should have added, DS had a school event today an hours drive from home. We’d agreed that I would take time off work to go and DS’s only requirement was that I didn’t embarrass him (I’ve never knowingly embarrassed him & never would). When I arrived I waved at DS so he knew I was there then sat down to watch. All of DS’s friends said hello, DS barely acknowledged me, then at the end when the children came to see their parents DS basically ignored me. He then sulked all the way home because I was stopping him from seeing his friends (I wasn’t). I can’t reason with him & he just doesn’t seem to want us to get along anymore. I am utterly heartbroken 💔

Parenting never gets good traffic

I don't have the answer unfortunately

What does his father do or say when he behaves like this? Does he pull him up? Do you?
Does his dad treat you with respect, does he model how to speak to you?
What are the actual practical consequences of the way he behaves.

His dad really needs to step up here and not accept the way that your DS is speaking to you.
Does he watch YouTube, or play Fortnite? If so, ban them. They can really affect kids' behaviour.

I think you need some stronger limits. ie if he's not ready to leave to be on time then it doesn't happen. If he's straight up rude call him out on it. Tell him his behaviour is nasty and unpleasant. Praise anything positive. Get his Dad to say something. If it continues then stop doing the nice stuff ie all the extras. He doesn't get to behave like this. He may struggle to control the impulse (hormones perhaps) but he has to be made to recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable.

You need to speak to DS dad and ask him for support. DS needs to see that you are both a unit. Are you separated or together?

How does your DS father speak to you? Does he speak to you with respect? Has your DS ever witness abuse towards you?

Is your DS aware that there are natural consequences for his decisions?

e.g. I’ll say ‘it’s time to leave for the playdate now, let’s get ready’ he’ll refuse then we’ll end up being late for the playdate

if he refuses to get ready, then don't take him - he's old enough to understand - it's part of his learning about life.

It's not the end of the world if he misses a playdate.

He's testing boundaries - so let him test them, but remember that you are the parent and that you are in charge. The rules you set are the rules you will enforce and what what you say is what you mean

It's what parents are meant to do :)

Children always push boundaries. Believe that your rules are right.

And enforce them. 😊

It also depends on what sort of father your DH is - does he believe that 'men should be men' or does he back you up?l

Sounds like you are giving this boy a lot of power in the relationship.

He's 9. In the greater scheme of things he hasn't got a lot of power. Until it comes to you.

Seriously, he deigns to allow you to attend events if you don't embarass him?

Stop pandering to this nonsense. Stop sucking up to a rude child.

And insist that your husband backs you up.

Stop doing nice things for him. No more play dates, no more nice trips planned. Take away his technology. He doesn’t deserve them if he’s speaking to you like that, how dare he?
in fact, what punishment do you give him for acting in this way?

There is a lot going on here so let’s try to separate some of these bits.

First of all, he is a child and he can’t regulate his emotions like (most) adults can. He is experiencing big emotions and taking them out on you because you are there and because you it sounds like you just take it. It yours (and his dad and teacher’s) job to teach him how to manage these feelings.

You have to show him, model to him, explain to him again and again and again how to deal with his emotions. For example: you can acknowledge how he’s feeling “I can see that you feel really angry right now”, then sympathise with him “im sure it’s not nice to be feeling so angry.” You can validate his feelings “it’s really normal to feel angry and to want to shout” and you can set a boundary “but it is not ok to to shout at me / call me names” etc.

Frame your conversations in terms of needs. “I can see you’re really upset. What is it that you need right now?” And “I also feel upset, I don’t like arguing with you. I need x and y from you”,

This is foundation of your response to him every time and it will feel like it makes no difference but it will gradually sink into him.

In happier times when you’re not mid argument, find a time to discuss alternative ways of communicating. “Sometimes you get really frustrated and you shout at me, but that makes me feel bad and it doesn’t help get you what you need, what could we do instead?” Write a list, keep it on you, try to stick to it.

Make sure you set clear boundaries, that don’t reward him suppressing his emotions but that reward him communicating constructively with you. “I don’t mind you being angry, but I do mind you shouting at me, so I’m going to leave the room now and I will comes back in 10 minutes and we will think about what you can do with these big feelings.”

Finally, I know you’re doing therapy and it’s really good that you can see how you respond to him, but a lot of your post is about how upset you are, and it does sound it’s a lot about you and your emotions. That must be weird and a bit scary to see him mum get so upset, can you give him some context to your emotional response? “When people shout at me it makes me cry because when I was little someone shouted at me and it made me sad. This means I find it extra hard when you shout at me so I might get more upset than other people do.”

It sounds like you could do with thinking about how you regulate your emotions in these situations so you could share with him how you do it? “When we argue I get very overwhelmed and sad so I try to concentrate on my breathing or I might tell you I’m going into another room so I can calm down…” etc.

I would recommend ‘How to talk to kids will listen’ and ‘The book you wish your parents had read, so you don’t have to’.

good luck.

My first thought was exactly the same as PPs. What’s your relationship like with his dad? I feel like the answer to this lies there.

Well she’s a human being, so of course she’s going to feel upset. The kid’s 9, he knows right from wrong. The onus isn’t really on her to explain why she got upset because of his behaviour, he’s 9 not 3… not sure this gentle parenting over explaining of everything works for all kids. Sometimes they need to be told that they’re being entitled, little shits. Facts.

I know it is hard but what he really needs is for you not to get upset, but to be a strong adult parent whom he cannot manipulate by making you upset.

He needs you to say: "That behaviour is not acceptable, and this is the consequence......." He is testing how far he can go with you and needs to know that he cannot go one single step into bad behaviour without facing the consequences. He needs to know he does not have power over you - it is attractive to him, but in fact it makes him insecure.

You must take no more nonsense from him. Be strong and not upset.

I should have added, DS had a school event today an hours drive from home. We’d agreed that I would take time off work to go and DS’s only requirement was that I didn’t embarrass him (I’ve never knowingly embarrassed him & never would). When I arrived I waved at DS so he knew I was there then sat down to watch. All of DS’s friends said hello, DS barely acknowledged me, then at the end when the children came to see their parents DS basically ignored me. He then sulked all the way home because I was stopping him from seeing his friends (I wasn’t). I can’t reason with him & he just doesn’t seem to want us to get along anymore. I am utterly heartbroken 💔

Absolutely don't be heartbroken.

Your DS has reached the age where whatever parents do (ESPECIALLY MUM!) is totally embarrassing😂😂

He's 9. It's a phase.
Honestly, you have nothing to worry about!

Stop worrying about what HE wants and concentrate on what you (as the adult parent!) know is best for your child.

Parents need a thick skin sometimes!!

It comes with the job 🫣🫣 x

When people shout at me it makes me cry because when I was little someone shouted at me and it made me sad. This means I find it extra hard when you shout at me so I might get more upset than other people do

Please don’t say this. He is a child and not in charge of managing your emotions. You are.

OP can you answer the questions on how his father threats you and has he witness any abuse towards you?

Sweetchildrenofmine · Today 22:18
There is a lot going on here so let’s try to separate some of these bits.

First of all, he is a child and he can’t regulate his emotions like (most) adults can. He is experiencing big emotions and taking them out on you because you are there and because you it sounds like you just take it. It yours (and his dad and teacher’s) job to teach him how to manage these feelings.

You have to show him, model to him, explain to him again and again and again how to deal with his emotions. For example: you can acknowledge how he’s feeling “I can see that you feel really angry right now”, then sympathise with him “im sure it’s not nice to be feeling so angry.” You can validate his feelings “it’s really normal to feel angry and to want to shout” and you can set a boundary “but it is not ok to to shout at me / call me names” etc.

Frame your conversations in terms of needs. “I can see you’re really upset. What is it that you need right now?” And “I also feel upset, I don’t like arguing with you. I need x and y from you”,

This is foundation of your response to him every time and it will feel like it makes no difference but it will gradually sink into him.

In happier times when you’re not mid argument, find a time to discuss alternative ways of communicating. “Sometimes you get really frustrated and you shout at me, but that makes me feel bad and it doesn’t help get you what you need, what could we do instead?” Write a list, keep it on you, try to stick to it.
Make sure you set clear boundaries, that don’t reward him suppressing his emotions but that reward him communicating constructively with you. “I don’t mind you being angry, but I do mind you shouting at me, so I’m going to leave the room now and I will comes back in 10 minutes and we will think about what you can do with these big feelings.”
Finally, I know you’re doing therapy and it’s really good that you can see how you respond to him, but a lot of your post is about how upset you are, and it does sound it’s a lot about you and your emotions. That must be weird and a bit scary to see him mum get so upset, can you give him some context to your emotional response? “When people shout at me it makes me cry because when I was little someone shouted at me and it made me sad. This means I find it extra hard when you shout at me so I might get more upset than other people do.”
It sounds like you could do with thinking about how you regulate your emotions in these situations so you could share with him how you do it? “When we argue I get very overwhelmed and sad so I try to concentrate on my breathing or I might tell you I’m going into another room so I can calm down…” etc.
would recommend ‘How to talk to kids will listen’ and ‘The book you wish your parents had read, so you don’t have to’.
good luck.

I hope you're not a social worker if you're giving out advice like this

It's just a hormonal surge and nature's way of cutting the apron strings. He'll go back to normal and then it'll happen again several times until he's through puberty. Tell him when he's upsetting you though.

Thanks so much for your replies. I think this is connected to how his dad has spoken to me in the past. I’m not passive in this and there are always consequences for his behaviour, but at the moment it’s almost like he can’t find another way to communicate with me. I am thinking family therapy to try & help us find a way through as I’m desperate to improve our relationship. Thanks again.

I would not go for family therapy personally. It tends to "pathologise" the situation, when in fact is is not at all out of the ordinary for a nine year old boy to be like this. And there is a danger that one person might be seen as the problem.

I do think that you need to find a way of not being so obviously upset. He needs you to be his rock; not someone he can knock over with a feather! That gives him far more power than he has the maturity to deal with.

Lankylilly, I am sorry, it must be very hurtful for you.

From what you have said, it could be something to do with your husband's sometimes negative attitude. Kids will often mimic that. If that is the case, you need to speak to your husband about it, getting him to rein it in.

On the other hand, it could just be a phase.

I doubt your son hates you, he is probably just irritated by you. I haven't experienced that with mine but my mother did with me. I found her acutely irritating and embarrassing from a very early age, I didn't like being with her in public or with anyone else present. However, my mother was.....well, never mind, I don't want to talk about her because that would turn this thread into being about me. I will just say that I did love her but did not always like her and it had nothing to do with my dad who was a quiet chap, quite devoted to mum. Things improved later on.

I really hope things improve for you before too long. Would your husband and son really agree to family counselling? I suppose that could help but people are not always frank at counselling sessions where more than one client is involved, they are more inclined to let it all out when it's one-to-one. It can also take a long time.

Good luck.

I knew it had links to how his dad had treated you.

Id be spending the money on your son for therapy OP so this doesn’t transfer on to his wife when he is older.

Children absorb everything and what happens in their very early years defines them as an adult.

This is totally fixable but your son seems to be carrying a lot of baggage which is being directed at you. You can’t fix his behaviour with out him understanding why his is acting like this and he needs professional help as he may turn in to a very angry young man. And look through the MN posts of angry young males terrorising their mums. If you’re still with his father then leave.