12 year old DD - in trouble every day

[MissUltraViolet]

Background - DD was born with meningitis. I was warned at the time she may have further issues as she got older but nobody would know until later.

Went through primary school without much hassle. Struggled to maintain friendships for a while, teachers always said she talked a lot instead of concentrating but put it down to her being a 'chatterbox'.

Here we are today - DD (12) started secondary school last year and is really struggling, shit has well and truely hit the fan so to speak. She is getting into trouble pretty much every day. Being pulled out lessons to be shouted at/getting detentions etc, almost all of the time it is because of talking/messing around.

She doesn't like school but goes every day without much fuss. Has absolutely zero interest in learning and absolutely hates maths (she is way behind in this subject and I struggle to get her motivated due to her hatred of it.) She also goes days at school not eating or drinking claiming she 'forgot'. No idea if thats relevant.

At home she is a nice kid, usual tween bit cheeky with some attitude problems every now and again but has stuggled with bouts of anxiety at night time when she isn't tired and can't sleep. The anxiety seems to come and go, she will have a week where its really bad then she is good again for a month or two. The only behaviour that really stands out at home is some personal hygiene issues that I have to stay on top of and her bedroom is an absolute pigsty, she cannot keep it clean to save her life and if I clean it, it's destroyed within an hour. She will get home from school have a snack and 'zone out' watching videos for 20 minutes, after that she always has to be doing something (mainly talking on the phone/gaming with friends or out at the park with friends etc) and if she has nothing to do, even just for ten minutes, thats when the destruction happens.

Does this sound like ADHD? I don't know, I am increasingly feeling like something has never been right and she isn't getting the support she needs. I have reached out to the SENCO - is that the next move? I need the school on board or can I go straight back to the GP regardless?

Hi Op,
for context I am a secondary school assistant headteacher. That first year is so tough for some kids and parents. They are trying to find their place amongst a new peer group and that’s really tricky to navigate.

before you go down the SEND route have you had a meeting with the school? I don’t mean the sort that they pull you in for when your daughter is in trouble I mean one requested by you so that you can talk through the issues. Things aren’t working for your daughter so the school and you need to find out why. What I would do in this situation is ask a member of the pastoral team to meet with you and your daughter to talk through what’s going wrong and what support can be put in place. For example you say she hates Maths, has she been placed in the right set? Is there something about that class that isn’t working? There are lots of pastoral interventions that should be happening.

you could speak to SENDCO, in my case the SENDCO I work with is also tightly attached to pastoral but this isn’t always the case. It won’t do any harm meeting with them but they are likely to suggest the above beforehand too. I would ask for a head of year or head of house to be attendance.