What to write in someone's card who is loosing their child

[emlouba]

Hello

Thought I'd come on here, I have a neighbour a few doors down who's young boy who is around 11 found out he has brain cancer and it's at stage 4 so isn't good news at all.
It's absolutely heartbreaking. Anyway they are raising money to take him to Disney land so I am going to take a card round there with money in for them, I am sitting here so lost what to write in the card, I'm worried I will say wrong thing, any tips on what to write to someone who is going through something as tragic as this would be helpful.

Thank you so much x

Crikey. I don't think there's anything you can say other than "thinking of you all, love..."

How awful

@Flowersonmyorchid I know it's absolutely awful and heartbreaking. Thank you, I think I will keep it short and say I'm here if anytime you need me. The front of the card says sending love and strength xx

I think anything else risks being condescending or inadvertently the wrong tone. I hope he has a great trip

@Flowersonmyorchid yes agreed. It's such a awful time for them, nothing is going to make it better ❤️‍🩹
Life is so so cruel. I know I hope he does too x

That sounds just right, emloube.

I'd probably wish them a good trip, say I've enclosed some spending money, and would love to catch up when they are back, if they'd like to. If appropriate to your relationship with them. Having people there makes such a big difference.

@LBFseBrom thank you x

@Takeaways I know it's so hard to know what to write, they are such a nice family - would do anything for them kids and anyone else's!

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Not sure whether to post it or knock there! It's so difficult, you just don't want to do wrong thing do you xx

From the perspective of someone who has lost a child and had a hard journey, the only wrong thing is to stay away. That's my feeling anyway. Others may feel differently. It means a lot to have people there who care.

The only thing to keep in mind is they may not have given up hope. They may be holding onto whatever small slither they have been offered. So talking about it as an inevitable loss may or may not be appropriate, depending on what advice they've been given and where things are at.

@Takeaways yes I feel exactly the same. I'm just going to say hope you have the most amazing trip to Disneyland and hopefully see you for a cup of tea whenever you feel like it when you're back. Here is some spending money for trip and sending lots of love xx

That's what I have wrote! Xx

That sounds really lovely. I'm sure they will appreciate it more than you will know.

(Brain tumour mum here)

I'm just going to give you a bit of background info which might be helpful in but accidentally putting your foot in it. Most cancers are staged (1-4) which related to whether they have spread, and if so, how far. Brain tumours aren't generally graded like that. They don't need to spread to cause trouble and they are already in pretty much the worst place a cancer can spread to.

Instead they are graded 1-4. 1-2 is classified as low grade (which my child's is, and she's thankfully likely to be ok long term), 3-4 is high grade and is considering malignant. The higher the grade the more aggressive the cancer. However, different types of tumors have different survival rates. A grade 4 brain tumour isn't necessarily terminal the way that stage 4 cancer usually is. Sometimes it is, it depends on the tumour type.

DIPG and Medulloblastoma are both grade 4 brain tumours. You've got a decent chance of survival with a Medulloblastoma with aggressive treatment, virtually none with DIPG.

I'd be supportive, but don't assume that it's terminal or they've given up hope yet. Concentrate on the trip allowing him to have fun, not on 'memory making'. It may well be that his tumour will take him in the end, but even if the prognosis is dire, that's not something he it his parents are likely to want to dwell on any more than they can at the moment.

Sending so much love to all of you and I hope that x has the most magical time at Disneyland- he deserves it!

@Somuchgoo thank you so much for this. I didn't know any of that, it's really helpful to learn!
Yes I am only going by what the next door neighbour told us, she said it's not good sadly, I haven't spoken to the family - but praying he will be ok 🙏🏼🩵
But I'm not going to write anything like that in card, only to have the most amazing trip which he deserves to go through something like this.

I'm sorry to hear about your child, wishing them the most speedy recovery ❤️‍🩹❤️ and sending you lots of love xxx

They may well have heard of it already but kids cancer charity https://www.kidscancercharity.org/disneyworld-american-experience/ will support families to have an incredible experience at Disney Florida with accomodation supplied for free plus the ability to queue jump. We went with them with my daughter and it was absolutely incredible

@Mannikin ahh that's so lovely and amazing - I will tell them this ❤️

I know correcting SPAG is frowned upon but for such a sensitive subject I think it is fair of me to do so. In case you were intending to say use any wording that talks about losing a child it is losing or loss, not loosing. Last thing you want is someone upset by a mistake in a word so significant in the context.

I think anything you say from the heart will be kind and will be appreciated.

Can I also say how lovely it is that you’re thinking of them. Having had a poorly daughter with cancer (we were lucky and she is well now, touch wood) people’s thoughts mean so much - people find it hard to know what to say but saying anything that is caring and thoughtful means the world.

@DappledThings yes I wrote in card

I hope (child) has the most amazing trip to Disneyland!
Here is some spending money towards your trip!
Lots of love (all our family names)

Then I put pop over for a cup of tea when ever you like!

Hope that is ok. Like I say - I was worried to write the card as was worried I would write some thing that isn't ok. X

@Mannikin thank you ❤️ I'm so glad your daughter is ok now. That's amazing 💪🏼🩷

I know I really cannot stop thinking about them - it's just so sad to hear their child is so unwell with this. I have two children and I just couldn't even begin to imagine how scared rhey must feel, like you did I imagine. Lots of love to your daughter xx