Ex partner and children

[Moongazer23]

I’m going to try and cut a long story as short as I can as I really could do with some advice/guidance.

Basically me and my ex partner split two months ago. We have three children. He started saying his mental health was bad and then text basically threatening suicide.

Messages saying he won’t see the kids and he’ll just pay for them. More telling me to tell them he isn’t coming back or to tell them he’s been in a bad accident and isn’t coming back. I decided he wasn’t mentally stable and to cut contact. Got advice off my solicitor and because of safeguarding grounds it was ok and up to him to make application to the courts.
He was never bothered about the children during the relationship did the bare minimum he could. Now I’m getting multiple texts a day asking about them at first I replied but after that I’ve stopped and just ignored them. He was abusive during the relationship to the me and the children. Now we are separate I can see how bad it was. He would be constantly shouting at them and swearing at them. Name calling them. Egging them on to fight each other. Push them, give them a dead arm or leg. Pin them down until they was crying. Then make out he not touched them or they are overreacting or was playing.
If I did something wrong he would ignore me completely and ignore the children or just grunt at them.
Racist around them to the point they thought it was funny despite me asking him to stop. Would sit and eat a whole packet of sweets or biscuits and refuse to give them one or if they asked over and over would throw them at them tell them to eat them and they’re greedy b*.
i could go on all night really. He left a voicemail saying I’m be playing sick games and sick games with the kids.
the kids are a lot more emotionally stable within themselves and behaviour has improved. Eldest has said he’s glad he not home and feels safe and hates his dad.
i will add Ive not spoken about him around them or even told them we have split up. Past few weeks have been a lot . With his job he was only home weekends anyway so not a massive disruption to their routine.
Am not going mad am I in thinking I’m not doing the right thing?

Yeah let him go to court, and if he does make sure there is supervision and penal order attached for non return.

You don't say how old the kids are but if they have phones block his number and make sure they don't answer unknown callers. I'd also advise schools that he's in a difficult phase mentally and to try and avoid releasing them to him. (Without an order they can't actually refuse).

I may add he has an older child who he fought through court for. I was made to believe she was horrible and using the child as a weapon. And from what I’ve been told he was made to his parental responsibilities away in order for contact to be allowed I dunno how true that is. He now hasn’t seen that child in seven years as refused to drive an hour for pick up .

Hi OP,

I oversee safeguarding in a secondary school for context. You are absolutely doing the right thing. He has abused your children both mentally and physically. You aren’t keeping them from him in an attempt to weaponise them you are doing it to protect them. Would you feel comfortable him seeing them without you there? I would guess the answer is no. How old are your children? Are they old enough for you to have a conversation with them about seeing their Dad? Will they want to see him? If they don’t want to see him then it makes things easier. If they do I suggest you seek some advice about contact centres etc

@LittleOwl153 They are 8 and under. They don’t have phones. School are aware and will delay him in taking them till I get there due to safeguarding concerns . I’m concerned about the aspect of contact with how he was physically and verbally if he was to gain unsupervised contact. It was the reason why I stayed because I was there to intervene and keep them safe.

@FTMaz no I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable. They are 8,6 and 1.
eldest definitely doesn’t want to. 6 year old has said he’s happier without him here as theirs no shouting as it scares him but does miss him. I will say he was the favourite child. Eldest is very in touch with his emotions and his dad hated that. Where as the six year old is very boisterous and rough and tumble.
my one year old doesn’t have a bond with him. I couldn’t even go for a shower without her. He’s never changed a nappy or fed her. Nothing.

As PP said force his hand to court if needed. Schools are normally pretty good at bending rules to keep children safe….ive done it many times. I’d much rather take a slap on the wrist than hand children over to an unsafe adult.

your one year old needs you to make the decision for them. It’s tricky with the 6 year old but I would see how it goes and see if he asks after his Dad etc if he does I still believe you are doing the right thing but you may wish to consider supervised contact

@FTMaz the one year old started biting and He made comments about the one year old that she’s now at the right age for a smack to teach her not to. I’ve never let her out my sight to prevent this.
the six year old has only asked one in eight weeks but I just think because it is still young and because he was the better treated one and the favourite he just remembers that. I just think it really is in his best interest not to continue seeing him. My six year old acts just like his dad and is constantly at my eldest to the point I’d call it bullying. But it’s just learnt behaviour. This has calmed down alot recently with the dad not being around to encourage it

It seems like you already know what you need to do, stop doubting yourself. You know what is best for your children. I worked with a teenager (15) whose Dad used to make him fight his siblings and it really messed him up with feelings of guilt.

@FTMaz I’m trying not to doubt my self. I just want what’s best for my children.
the forcing to fight it awful. If the six year old makes my eldest cry then it’s just seen as he wins and the eldest should get over it but if it’s the six year old that cries the eldest gets punished as he should apparently know better to not hurt his younger brother. It’s awful and breaks my heart.