Coparenting HELP

[Girlmummaxx]

Any advice would be appreciated at this point.

I am a single mum of 3, 2 of my kids whoms dad I have a lovely relationship and things are just easy.
I have a 5 month old baby, her dad turned sour half way through which made the pregnancy stressful. I lost a lot of weight and had a heavy bleeding throughout. Towards the end of my pregnancy her dad decided he wanted to put his differences aside (as they do) and decided he wanted to be at the birth. I allowed him and I can’t lie, it was my happiest labour. He was truly wonderful and stayed whenever he wanted to to help with night feeds etc. Hed insist in communicating all day every day and on the weekends we didn’t have our other children we’d spend the weekend together with our little girl. It was generally just a healthy coparenting relationship. Arguments kept happening; mainly because I’d only get the help every other weekend and I was so burnt out with the sleepless night, toddler tantrums and 3 children wanting me at the same time.
I asked if he wanted to start having her at his by himself (shared accommodation but he told me it was just him and a couple and it was safe as he has his other boys there). Twice I offered her to stay but because he thought I had plans (night out) he said it was too short notice to have the right set up for her. I dropped some things at his place the weekend just gone, 2 men answered & the property stank of cigarettes and cannabis. My daughters suffered with breathing problems since 3 weeks old (admitted on oxygen for 5 days) which he is aware of. The fact that the property was in that state has upset me he’d even want her there.

He tried to justify it all and make out I was a head case for being upset and angry that he’d lie and she’d been there in the day before. I’ve told him I’m not gonna be sending her into his care in that set up of an environment but he is welcome to see at her own home, and I’d happily go out whilst he does so. I literally don’t mind, I want him to have a relationship with her but I can’t send her to that property.

Hes told me that I’m ruining his life, I’m this and I’m that and I’ve recieved a letter from mediation. This is stressing me out so much, I’m literally doubting myself as a person because I’m trying to make sure she’s safe. It generally is making me ill, I don’t want the upset for anybody but I can’t see anyway moving forward if he isn’t prepared to understand and work with me.

any advice is welcome I literally just want to cry, I never thought I’d be in this situation with him as we normally get on extremely well

Hi OP,

i imagine you will get a lot of people on here telling you he doesn’t deserve to his chile etc etc but that is not helpful or practical.

I think mediation will be good as they will also help him to understand that that environment is not suitable for a child. No one is going to say a house of 3 men where drugs are being used is acceptable. This will be good as it won’t just be coming from you.

it is clear you want him to see his child, it maybe that until he finds more suitable accommodation that is done in a contact centre. Alternatively would you be willing for him to see her at your house whilst you take your other children out? Again I’m not sure if that’s a reasonable request but could perhaps be a short term solution

Thank you, you’re right definitely not what I want to hear. I think he’s a brilliant dad to all of his children and believe he’d do his upmost for them.

I’m hoping your right and mediation will make him look at the bigger picture as I feel when anything comes from me regarding our daughter that he thinks I’m tryna to restrict access & weaponise her, which is far from the case at all.

He is very hot headed and doesn’t deal well with communication when there’s any kind of conflict, I have made it an option in the mean time to see our daughter within the house and take my other two out of the equation as well as myself. I’ve even offered the house as somewhere he can carry on his overnight weekends with her and I’d stay as where but he just highlighted the fact I was trying to control the situation and when and how he can see his daughter instead of viewing as me actually trying to help and encourage his relationship with our daughter in the mean time until his situation is sorted.

i think I agree with you regards to mediation, i originally thought it was a silly idea to go through mediation if we both don’t agree with each other on what’s best but there might be hope that him hearing it from somebody other than me, he may understand better instead of reacting with emotions.

thank you so much

I am trying to put myself in his position and I can see from his point of view how he might feel about being at your house. Maybe like he is being watched or monitored and not trusted which will be a feeling he won’t like. From your point of view you are going out of your way to facilitate the relationship. The problem is when it comes to children everything is so emotive it’s hard to see the other’s point of view let alone accept it.

I really would give the mediation a go, they aren’t there to judge or make things harder. Hope you work it out :)

I can see from his point of view, totally understandable. Just need to find a middle ground that’s suitable for accommodating our daughter’s best interest. Thank you :-)!!