4 year + sibling age gap positives

[satsumaqueen]

Hi All

Just looking for some other mumsnetters to cheer me up a bit really. I have one amazing 3 year old who I adore, and we are trying for #2. But 6 months down the line we haven’t managed to fall pregnant again (AF arrived today) and we are now looking at least a 4 year age gap if we manage to conceive going forward.

I always wanted a small age gap but motherhood shocked me and I only felt ready to consider another 6 months ago. We fell first time with my DS so naively I thought we would fall pretty quickly again.

My sibling and I have an almost 5 year age gap, and honestly we grew up hating each others guts. We get on much better as adults, but I do feel like the damage had been done and we aren’t as close as most.

I’m terrified of my children having the same experience which is why I always wanted a small age gap, but now that won’t be the case, I am just looking for you to share your positives of a 4 year + age gap.

I know I am very lucky to have one healthy happy DS when some can’t have any, so please no nasty comments. I’m a bit emotional today as I really felt this might be my month so just looking for some support.

I have a 15 year age gap with my sister and we get on really well. Plenty of siblings with a 2 year age gap fight like cat and dog. Ultimately it comes down to personality - which you can't control. And treating your children equally which you can. Good luck and try not to worry. X

Mine are 5 years apart, a DD now 17 and DS12. We deliberately left the age gap because we were young first time parents at 21, so wanted to get a bit more established before having a 2nd.

They do bicker on and off. But they get on well on the whole. They often tell each other stuff first and then tell us later on. The eldest was a good help with her brother when she was home from school, entertaining him, bringing nappies and generally helping.

Mine are 16 and 12 and love each other to bits. Age gaps don't have to be a problem.

I am one of 5 kids spread over 12 years. Get on best with the two who are 5 years older and 5 years younger. Other two I get on with ok are 2 years older and 7 years older. It’s about personalities, not age gap

4+ year age gap with my siblings.

We are close as adults. When younger we weren’t always at the same developmental stage.

I have a 5 year age gap with my siblings and we get along great and used to play together all the time when we were little. My DCs have a 4 year age gap and they adore each other. I don’t think age gap is the primary indicator of whether siblings get along or not. Don’t worry about it!

5 year gap.

Wasn't intentional, first IVF, we decided to stick at 1, then decided years down the line to have another.

Our baby is 11 weeks so situation is still new to us but so far so good.

DS adores his little sister.

I don't think an age gap is a problem I think it's how they clash in personalities

I have 4 dc, a 18 month gap then 3 yrs, then 2 yrs. They all get on well, but the oldest and youngest get on really well. I think its less about the spacing and more about the personality types (which no one can control).

Good luck with ttc, an old wives tale is try and cuddle a new baby when you are dtd and 2ww .. the story goes that it causes a flood of maternal hormones..probably all rubbish though.

4 years and 3 months between mine - they're currently just gone 8 and almost 4 and it's been wonderful, they have different interests but that's actually great as we individually dedicate 1-1 time with each of them for these things, the younger one absolutely just wants to be his big brother. We too planned a smaller gap and it wasn't to be, but I'm glad of it. DS1 started school not long after DS2 was born so my maternity leave was able to be dedicated to just 1 each time which was fab.

My 2 DS's have an 8 year age gap and most of the time it was fine. A couple of difficult years when my elder son got annoyed when my younger son wanted to do everything with him. They are both adults now and get on really well. They would sometimes go to the cinema together before my elder son moved 150 miles away. Younger DS goes up to visit elder DS about every 3 months for a weekend. Elder DS comes to visit us about every 3-4 months for a weekend.

There's a 5.5 year age gap between my brother and I.

Growing up we got on alright but think we bickered lots (usually me bickering at him cause he was younger and always trying to get involved with what my friends and I were doing).

But since we've been older (sort of from him being at secondary school onwards so 13 & 18.5) we've got on really well.

And now we're both adults (24 and 29) we get on so well. He's my go to for most advice, love him to bits and don't even notice the age gap now.

I think as others have said, it's a personality thing not an 'age gap' thing. Try not to stress!

I'm in a similar position. My daughter was 3 before we felt able to contemplate 2 children after my daughter and I had health issues during her first 2 years. It had then taken me 8 months to wean off medication that is not suitable for pregnancy. My daughter is 3y9m and I stop contraception this week. I never wanted a small aged gap but approaching 5y or longer if there are issues conceiving wasn't necessarily part of the plan

I have a 4 and 7y age gaps with my sisters and they have an 11 y she gap. I had a difficult time with the 4y age gap as my decided it was ok for her to be violent to me because she was being bullied rather than addressing the bullying. As adults we are all close.

My dad is one of 5 and has 2-21 age gaps and the only one he doesn't speak to is the 2 year age gap

I have a 4 year age gap, dcs aged 2 and 6. I like it as I was able to focus on parenting dc1 before she started school, and then have the same focus with dc2. I'm a sahm and did loads of classes and activities with dc1, with lots of one to one attention, and I've really enjoyed doing the same with dc2. I'm a better parent with just one dc at a time and this has worked for us. I would have felt frustrated with having to ignore one dc while dealing with the baby or letting the older one have lots of screen time while feeding. It's better for my MH too - most mums I know with small age gaps have struggled and tbh it's no wonder. DC1 was breastfed for 3.5 years and I'm still breastfeeding DC2, which has been a lovely bonding experience for all of us.

I think they have similar personalities (DC2 is very like DC1 was at that age) and they get on really well, but are at very different stages. It works well in our family as DH is around a lot and is hands-on, so he's usually there to be with one of the dcs while I take the other. Buy we like to spend time as a family, so it's a matter of going to places like big soft play, playgrounds that have equipment for toddlers as well as older dcs, and swimming, but sometimes spending time separately in different zones.

My younger two have a four and half year age gap. It was great from the start, could always trust him to be gentle and look after him as a baby, no jealousy, and 30+ years later they are best of friends,......they get on far better than the traditional 2+ gap between first two!

I have a 4 year gap. They were best of friends for a long time. There was about 3 years when the older one really didn’t like the younger one and was quite horrible to him but now they are 14 and 18 and get on brilliantly and do loads together

As kids, not close at all as nothing in common.

As adults the age gap doesn’t really matter. We get along pretty well.

My younger two have a 4 and a half year gap. It was never intended to be that long, but I had two miscarriages before having youngest. Eldest was 7 and a half. They are all very close, which I love, but particularly the elder two, who have a 22 month gap between them. I think it's more because they are the same gender, but if youngest wants to go clothes shopping or needs advice on anything, it's the elder two they go to!!

I am closest to my youngest sister (there's 4 of us) and she's 9 years younger than me, plus I didn't live with her for much of our lives as I went to uni when she was 9!

DS is only 2 weeks old so we are very new to this but there's a 4.5 year gap between him and his older sister after it took us a lot longer than expected to conceive second time around. DD adores him and has adapted incredibly well. She's a pretty strong willed child so it wasn't a guarantee that she would take things in her stride but she really has and I don't think it would have been the same story a year ago. He has taken a lot of her attention away but she has been nothing but loving towards him and it's been wonderful seeing her proud as punch as a big sister. She's also really helpful and old enough to trust with some responsibility. It wasn't quite the original plan but it's been wonderful 🥰

It's a gap that can be really lovely because you can concentrate on the younger one while the older one is at school. If you had more than 2 kids, you would probably have at least this age gap between the oldest and youngest, and wouldn't question it at all!

We have a 5 year age gap (currently 7 and 2) due to unexplained secondary infertility. We ended up having IVF to get DS2 and I was worried about the gap because it wasn't what we'd planned/hoped but honestly, they get on so well. Big brother was able to understand and help a bit more than if he'd been a toddler and the little one idolises him. It can be tricky sometimes finding things they can do together but if they're out at a playground or playing hide and seek at home they have the best time together. It also worked out really well that I was on maternity leave when the oldest started school so I could be around for drop off and pick ups while he was getting settled.

I have almost the same - secondary infertility.

4 years between mine and it's absolutely fine. They completely adore each other. There was a tricky time when the eldest could do softplay and the youngest wasn't walking etc but that's not an issue now

I hope this is what it will be like for us, my DD is going to be almost 4 when we have our second and I BF for 3yrs and did loads of one on one classes with DD.

I had 5 year gap with my sister and tbh it was fucking horrendous. Parents expected me to constantly “parent” and “teach” her…I was still a bloody kid myself. If you have a large gap between kids don’t put this responsibility on your elder child.

I have a five year old and a one year old and so far it has been great. I’ve had lots of one to one time with baby while son is at school. I haven’t suffered with mum guilt too much as I know they both have had so much of me individually. Sometimes it is tricky working activities for older child around needs of a baby (nap times etc) but that lends itself to both parents taking one each so again, they get a lot of us. They absolutely adore each other. I’ve loved it so far. It’s early days but I can see the benefit of the age gap. I loved the baby phase this time around and I had the time to enjoy it.. not chasing a toddler around simultaneously!