Help Keeping 17 Month Old In Bed

[MichaelFlatleyLordoftheDance]

My 17 month old DS has been getting out of bed recently repeatedly at bedtime and I am losing my mind.

His cot is currently on the lowest level with one side removed (replaced by a Safety 1st bed bar) this was done because he was climbing out of his cot. His "big boy bed" has been built by DH but there are a few adjustments still to be made - we hope to have him in his new bed in the next week or two. The bed will just hover off the floor like a Montessori bed. He'll have more room to roll around in bed soon, but, this won't stop him from getting out of bed over and over again at bed time every night.

We have a fairly strict bedtime routine and have done since day one. Nothing has changed. I know this is fairly typical behaviour for this age, but I'm desperate to get this kid to stay in bed. He's put to bed at 6:30 every night, but he is literally up and out of bed seconds later over and over and over again. This continues for as little as 20 minutes or as long as 2 hours. My oldest did the same, but it lasted a few days and he learned, after I repeatedly put him back in bed without saying anything to him, that you stay in your bed.

When I put him down initially, we do our normal "sweet dreams" and "I love yous." The second put down I'll say calmly but firmly, "it's sleepy time, stay in your bed please," but the third time and beyond I don't say anything. I scoop him up and put him straight back to bed. Sometimes when I come in to put him back in bed he laughs like a diabolical evil genius, other times he drops to the floor and pretends to be asleep. DH seems to be of the attitude, "let him stay up, let him play, we'll put him to bed when he's fallen asleep on the floor." While I understand his thinking, I can't seem to get on board with it. I feel like by letting him stay up and play, we're teaching him that bedtime means nothing and he can do whatever he wants.

Since birth, DS has always had difficulty with sleep. For the first 14 months he couldn't sleep for longer than 45 minutes or so. He never napped in the day despite my best efforts (terrible FOMO I guess). We even took him to a chiropractor we were so desperate to get him to sleep. For the past few months, sleep has gotten a little better where he's only waking 1-3 times a night. He's never hungry, he just needs a dummy back in his mouth and he's immediately asleep again. A few weeks ago, he finally started sleeping through the night (6:30 - 6:30/7), but then this getting out of bed routine started.

Any help or suggestions would be amazing. I only have a couple hours in the evening of being a semi-functional adult, and I'd really like to get that time back. 😅

Is he tired enough? My son is 2 and a half and he's desperate for his bed because he's exhausted. He doesn't have the energy to get up constantly. If ever he's going to bed when he's not tired enough the silly nonsense starts and it's obvious why.

Maybe a scoot about on a balance bike/trike for an hour before bed would help? A run around the garden or local park now the evenings are lighter?

My son is really active and we run the legs off him. He's deliriously happy to get in his bed by the end of the day!

My ds is 2 and a half and he’s only just started sleeping through the night. Your bedtime does seem a little early especially with the lighter nights now. Does he have blackout curtains/blinds have you tried moving bedtime half an hour later to make sure he’s tired?

Do you stay in the room until he falls asleep? Try this if you haven’t.

I really wouldn’t try staying with him until he falls asleep because then he learns that’s what you’ll do. I’m a solo mum to twins. My two did this. I had a second wfh job that I did in the evening so I could afford to survive so they absolutely had to go to bed. Keep doing what you’re doing. Go in. Pick him up. Put him back in bed. Say ‘love you. Bedtime now’ and repeat. Some kids will get it straightaway. Some kids will need it over and over and over and over again!! And when it gets really bad, wine. Or chocolate. Or crying. But keep doing what you’re doing! You’ve got this x

Sleep needs change all the time. With my Dd we would get in to a routine that would work and within a week it would need changing. So frustrating!

are they still having a daytime nap? Because there is no way my dd would be ready for bed at 6.30pm and definitely not if she has had a nap in the day. It was probably about this age that her bedtime started getting later as the need to the nap started to change.

once I accepted the later bedtime, the evenings became so less stressful.

I also wouldn’t expect them to stay in bed and fall asleep without support. I lay with my daughter until she falls asleep, if she is tired enough this doesn’t take very long.

I'd buy a deep travel cot he can't climb out of, put him in it and try the bed again in a couple of months.

Your need for sleep trumps everything.

Also, are you sure he's tired enough to go to sleep at 6.30pm? My similar-age DC2 isn't usually put to bed until 7.30/8pm (that's just the time after we've done DC1 clubs, home, homework, dinner, bath and bed). DC2 tends to fall asleep quickly, although often still up during the night once or twice.

I’m with your DH. I would put a stairgate on DS’s door, one of those tall dog ones if he’s a climber, make sure he has plenty of books plus a few quiet toys in his room then leave him to it so long as he’s not upset. My kids are 6 and 3, we’ve been doing it that way since they were about your DS’s age- they get a story then we say goodnight and they potter about for about 30 minutes then put themselves to bed. Actually in their beds now but DD used to occasionally fall asleep on the floor when she was about 2 and we’d just lift her into bed. It was a brief phase! And honestly it works great. Bedtimes are calm and easy, everyone gets enough sleep. I don’t think it would work for every DC but it’s certainly worth a try.

I would imagine he isn’t tired enough.
6.30 is SO early if he’s napping as well.
There’s a lot of fb groups talking about sleep and recommended amount of sleep within 24 hours at certain ages. Most children don’t do 12 hours overnight, unless they aren’t napping.
if he’s napping I’d say try bedtime an hour later

I’d say your bedtime is too early, and that you’re expecting too much of a baby that is far too little to understand properly what is expected of him, and definitely too little to be able to control the impulse to get up and be with you/play with toys etc.

How long does he take to fall asleep? Is it really a problem to just sit with him for that time? It might be easier (as long as he’s tired enough at bedtime) to just stay next to him and hold his hand or rub his back.

A consistent routine is key to easy bedtimes, which you’re doing well, but maybe just sit with him for now, then slowly wean him off that by moving further away each night.

I'm quite impressed that your 17 month old can just lie down and go to sleep by himself to be honest, without you in the room (even if he doesn't want to at first!)

Sorry, completely missing the point 🤣

Montesorri approach to the floor bed is to make the room safe and leave them to choose when they’re ready to go to sleep. It’s fine if they want to play etc but they then fall asleep
when they’re ready. Can you come up with a middle ground where he is safe in his room if he gets up?

i emphasise as I have a 17m climber.

Put him to bed later?

6:30!!!!

Is this a kiddo problem? Or a mum needs some adult time problem?

let the kid play later, see if that tuckers them out. Try 7, 7:30, heck even 8! 6:30 is excessive!

its probably more a you issue than a them issue. They just aren’t tired! What do you do when you’re not tired but forced to bed?

How have you not thought of staying with him until he falls asleep? How can you not recognise that this is what he needs??

I (or DH) have stayed with my DD (3) every night and cuddled her to sleep. If you did this, he wouldn’t get up.

If you want a magic formula on how to leave your child at the most vulnerable time of his day, without him seeking to connect with you, I’m not sure you’ll find one.

@Nosleeptraininghere no need to be so condescending and nasty.

The only thing that worked for our very alert, very active toddler was staying with him til he fell asleep.

Does he ever fall asleep of his own accord without the help of motion or bottle/boob/dummy? If not, he may still need you there to soothe him.

I’ll take condescending but I’m not sure anything I said was nasty. I’m sick of parents wanting to abandon their kids once it’s the evening. It’s not a 9-5 clocking off job. Welcome to parenting!

You get to see a tiny snippet of a person's life when they post on here. The OP is up 1-3 times a night with her toddler, so it hardly seems like she's "clocking off".

Congratulations on being a perfect parent btw.

He’s 17 months old!! What does she/you expect!? Most children are not anywhere near sleeping through at that age!

We co-slept for a long time as that reduced/eliminated any wake ups. We also stay with her until she falls asleep.

I get the impression that OP won’t do either of those things, simply out of fear that she’s “making a rod for her own back” or whatever other nonsense people come out with as an excuse to ignore their child at night. It’s cruel to be so cold (taking him back to bed and not speaking to him) towards a 17 month old.

I agree with all of the previous posters. My little one is 16m and he would not be tired enough at 6.30pm to be ready to fall asleep. He naps for 1h30 to 2hrs in the day and needs at least 5.5-6hrs awake before bed, we usually out him down around 7.30-7.45 and hes asleep within 10 mins but I do stay with him and hold his hand whilst he gets comfy and drifts off. He sleeps through or wakes once, usually. I know you say you have a strict bedtime routine and the routine itself is great to signal to them that it's bedtime as a sleep onset association, but the time of this does need to adjust over time. Their sleep needs change (needing less naps and more awake time in the day) and also drop slightly too. The average totals recommended for his age are 11-14hours including naps and it sounds like you are aiming for the top end of this or more, although I appreciate you haven't shared wake up time or nap lengths so I'm making an assumption that he is still napping for 1h+ and you are hoping for him to wake post 6am. Repeatedly placing him back to bed won't help if he's not tired. As a side note we had a lot of the issues with sleep that you describe and found we had longer naps and better nights when we waited until he was truly tired instead of going off set times or wake windows; we realised we were actually putting him down way too early and that he needed the upper end of awake time to sleep well/longer. Most sleep schedules are based on higher than average sleep needs and pathologise babies needing less sleep than the maximum possible as having a sleep problem. They also emphasize very early bedtimes and I've found that these just resulted in night wakes or super early rising for us.