Those with daughters… how do you model navigating being a woman in this modern world ?

[Kiki1703]

My daughter is now ten and growing up….

With the pressures on women to now ‘do it all and have it all’ how do you model being healthy, strong and functional?

im trying my best but naturally look back with regrets… have I been nurturing enough? Have I been too nurturing? Do I work enough? Am I confident enough? So I stand up for myself enough?

im wondering, whilst I still have 8 or formative years left (hopefully)… if there’s any tips or advice for shaping our daughters into strong women that can cope with the modern evolving world?

what’s worked / hasn’t worked in your experience ?

Going against the grain here but I think we are doing a disservice to girls and women by teaching them they are passive victims who should blame men for male behaviour rather than taking steps to protect themselves. So I’m going to take a practical approach - iron clad contraception, keeping your job and friends and not giving it all up for a man, marriage if you need the financial protection, and walking away from red flags rather than ploughing on in the hope they’ll change.

Yes men are responsible for male behaviour but I don’t want my daughter being the test subject of whether they’ll see the error of their ways or not

I agree with this I think but it's important that they know men are responsible but that they can be active in protecting themselves. However, it is NEVER their fault if men mistreat them. (Or indeed women)

Tbh OP my daughter is 13 and the hardest thing I'm finding to navigate at this age is friendships and how to make sure she is kind but not a doormat. I try and show her what good friendship is like via my own relationships and make sure she knows to value herself and others.

I just can’t say I think about it that hard.
I do my best to be a good mum. I’m there for them, make time for them, listen and support.
Itry to show the importance of education and working to support yourself. I try and model a healthy, balanced relationship with my DH - think we do ok.
I try to show confidence and not put myself down. I try not to be negative about other people without very good reason.
I encourage them to try new things and persevere with things they have committed to.
I make time for myself and show that mums have lives too!
I’m happy being a woman. I think my girls are too, so far.

Oh and also I don't follow the 'have it all' rhetoric. It's ok to have kids, be married, not have kids etc etc. It's ok to stay at home with kids if you want or need to, it's ok to work, it's ok for men to be the main carer or women. My main message to her (and my son) is if you're a decent human and you are treating people as you should then it's ok to do and be whoever you want.

My daughter is 22. I've always instilled in her the confidence to be whoever and whatever she wants to be. That her opinions matter. And I think the very important thing to never rely on a man financially and emotionally.

A few thoughts-

No diet chat, criticising yourself in front of them, criticising people’s appearances.

Focus not just on her as a woman but as an individual. There isn’t only one right way to do things, for her or for you.

Building resilience, teaching that she can do hard things and that perseverance pays off.

Teaching that if something doesn't go to plan it's rarely the end of the world and keeping a healthy perspective on things.

Teaching that you can have it all - but not always at the same time. It's ok to take your time, life is long but days are short so appreciate things and don't over burden yourself.

Discuss finances, the future and alternative paths.

I guess I model being a 'strong, independent woman' as I don't date and support us both alone so show that you don't need to follow the expected path. Alternatively I haven't taught her how to have a strong and healthy relationship but there are others in her life that do that.

This is interesting.

I think there's a lot of weight in the consistent love, care and compassion of parenting that raises children feeling confident and more able to stand up for themselves, and expect to be treated with respect.

In terms of other gender role stuff , that's hard. It's bloody everywhere! But one thing I find hard is appearance. I wear make up and make an effort because I'm dog ugly. My husband just puts on clothes and leaves the house. I know my child (only 2) already sees this difference. She knows make up is mummy and likes to 'help with mummy make up'. I don't have confidence to not wear make up, or leave the house as I look.

For those with older girls, how did you explain the make up / personal care divide? (I know it's not always like this)

@notagreatmum I don't know if im doing it right but I don't comment on other peoples appearance if I can help it. My 13 year old is really into skincare and make up and I encourage her interest with that like I'd encourage any hobby tbh. Eg I have taken her to a beauty masterclass but equally she knows I think that she doesn't need make up to be validated. I also remember that I wore loads of make up as a teen but now rarely do and I don't worry about it too much tbh!

I couldn't agree more

I don't wear makeup, don't wear uncomfortable clothes, have no problem with things not going to plan, or with minor inconveniences, don't expect everything to work out easily. I don't criticise my own or anyone else's appearance, and also don't praise clothes or looks all that much, though I do comment on, and express my joy in, beauty of all sorts (humans, animals, nature, design, art).

I work hard and full-time but still give them 100% of my attention when they need it.

I make it clear they need to be financially independent (from me and from any partners).

I have a great marriage (not to their father, which was a cock-up).

I tell them stories of my youth where I had adventures, so they aspire to their own adventures.

I point out good female role models whenever I see them (e.g. "Have you read this article about how Michele Ombama did X?" or "Look at this (female para-athlete) thing!" or "Aunty Bessie has got a promotion at work - she's got this paper published, I'm so proud of the work she's doing.")

I have ridiculously high self-esteem and think I'm amazing at everything (even when I don't).

I teach them the importance of reading every day.

I show them the importance of maintaining good friends.

I take the piss out of myself when needed (especially around my use of social media).

I'm sure I will have failed in lots of ways, but I have really tried to model a good life for them.

@notagreatmum I dont wear make up, I'm rubbish at doing it and was allergic to lots of it when younger although I'm sure hypoallergenic stuff is better now.

DD on the other hand loves it, but we have a famous makeup artist family member / ancestor and she has always had access to face paints as I did it in my student days so she has always seen it as a tool. Learning to correctly use make up is not the issue, not being able to leave the house without it is so I would work on not wearing it if going to the corner shop or a hike, off to the beach etc and imposing limits so when she's old enough to wear it,it's only worn out the house at weekends etc, if they want to wear false eyelashes and nails then just for school holidays to.

We cut people out and discuss why.

DD been doing jiu jitsu since she was 3, 2x a week and will add another martial art when the time is right (we have a mad busy schedule).

The men in our lives treat us VERY well and I tell her what I expect from them. There are people with minimal issues out there, choose them and keep up with them.

Raising her to be slightly selfish, physically strong and able, a bite behind the bark, independent and knowing how men (and women) should be treating her and cutting off foolishness. No suffering fools.

It's working, for now.

All my close friends and family I have left are amazing people too. They're strong and resilient. I am hoping this example means she will grow like this too.

I'm pretty happy with how I model womanhood.

I've married well to a brilliant and loving man who puts our DD and family first

I have a great job and have had a successful career to date but I do have good boundaries and I put health and family first.

I make time for my health, wellbeing, friendships, days out, culture, holidays etc.

I only hope that she's better with money than I am.

This.

Have b/g DT’s - no different in how they have been brought up. They have seen both DH and I having careers and jointly parented and shared family and home responsibilities.

Completely agree with this.
’Having it all’ is a fallacy. Finding what’s most important to you is better.
NOBODY can have ‘it all’ there is always compromise.