Partner missing out on DD growing up

[Anonymouslyconercned]

Hi all
i had my DD 6 months ago. My partner had started a new job within his company when I was around 5 months pregnant and he was working a lot, I was always on my own, weekdays, weekends, evenings etc - I explained that this can’t happen when we have DD and was assured that things would be different by then.

Now DD is 6 months and things are even worse. He works from 4am-10pm, then will get up and head into the office at 3am and work again until 10pm. He will work weekends too and on the days he’s not working he’s out with his friends at football or the pub.

the job has changed him completely. Before anyone says anything about finances and money, most of the extra hours he does are unpaid. He does the time because he wants to not because he has to financially. It’s not his own company either, he is employed.

my worry here is that he is missing out on DDs childhood. The weeks and months fly by, I blinked and she is 6 months. He’s missed all the good things, giggles, sitting up, rolling, weaning, swimming. Even when he’s around he doesn’t see any of it because he spends 5 minutes with her and then is on the phone talking to someone from work.

I also worry for DD as I’m scared that she’ll never really know him. At the same time selfishly I will be quite hurt (although would never say it), if DD grows up extremely close to him - you know how kids always prefer the dads at a certain point - because he’s don’t absolutely nothing for her or with her. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last nappy change or bottle he done…. Naps? I don’t think he’s done them with DD since she was a week or so old.

we never spend time together as a family, I do solo parent all be it the odd hour in total over a week that we probably see him.

has anyone else experienced this? I’ve tried to have conversations about family time and the importance but he doesn’t seem overly interested. Just feeling like I’ve hit a dead end.

Are you sure he’s at work all those hours?

i Do have a girl friend whose partner works with my partner so can vouch that he is working those hours!

Have you asked why he wants to work like this? That's insane!

3am to 10pm? Is he the Prime Minister?

I couldn’t live like this OP. Hanging around until 10pm at night for a crumb of attention? No. You shouldn’t accept this kind of ‘love’ for yourself, let alone your daughter.

I’d be getting my ducks in a row and leaving, you’re already solo parenting anyway. You will probably find being away from him lifts a huge weight off your shoulders and you’ll be able to get on with your life and enjoy family days with your DD without being on edge in case his work phone rings.

I really wouldn’t give a toss either if he’s missing out on your DD, that’s his cross to bear, not yours.

One day, he will realise he has no relationship with his daughter and his work don’t really give a fuck about him. Make sure you’re not still hanging around to pick up the pieces.

3am to 10pm?

Sorry to be blunt OP, but it screams that DH doesn’t want to spend time with his DD and he seemingly has no interest in her at all. Does he have any have bond with her? Does he ask about her? Does she smile when she sees him? How did he take the adjustment to bring a parent? Do you think he could be depressed?

Family should be his main priority. Work is being used as an excuse here, those work hours are simply ridiculous and it’s extremely selfish that he thinks that’s ok and to leave you to do it all yourself. Then to go out on the weekend? That’s not normal behaviour.

@Angeldelight50 @Blessedbethefruitz @MalibuBarbieDreamHouse

thanks ladies, your replies honestly are everything I have thought about in my own head.

I have been close to leaving due to how he has been speaking to me (talking down to me and always having a go at me). I did ask him to put the house on the market last weekend and since then, I’ve seen a big change in his attitude.

however, it doesn’t excuse the fact that he would always rather be everywhere else than at home.

I did question him about it last night and he just asked me to leave him alone. Since then I asked if we can talk again later today about it and he just said he’s not doing it anymore (meaning not putting up with me going on about it anymore, which means he’s reached the end of his tether and will likely say that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore).

I just feel bad for DD.

Sounds to me as though he is done and waiting for you to pull the plug…in my onion pull it. This is no life for you or your daughter it it’s really up to you.
those hours aren’t even legal - what does he do!

@ZebraD I think you might be right. Any opportunity he gets, even if I’m just talking and having a normal conversation with him, he threatens to leave.

the thought of doing everything alone with DD does scare me, missing out on milestones, having to share her. It’s held me back until this point but sadly it’s all come to a head and things are well and truly over, I can’t salvage it.

Any opportunity he gets, even if I’m just talking and having a normal conversation with him, he threatens to leave.

The next time he does this say "OK, off you go" and see his reaction. He's using the threat to keep you in line.

missing out on milestones, having to share her

Don't worry about that. He's already shown he isn't interested. The sooner you tell him to go the less he will realise he's missing and the less he will want going forward sadly.

This is so sad. He's spending all that time to get away from you and DD. I wonder if it would be a different story if it was a son. Leave if you can. But even that's not fair on you as he should be providing financially for you and DD.

You’re doing everything alone anyway!

At least if you leave him your DD won’t grow up thinking that’s a normal way for a husband and father to treat his family.

Thanks ladies, I do appreciate your advice and support.

I totally agree that he’s already checked out and most of the threats are in the hopes that I will turn around and say let’s do it. I have said on a few occasions that I’m happy with that decision and he should pack his bags but he says he refuses to leave. I’ve said it’s no problem we’ll live together until the house is sold and let’s get it on the market but his tune always changes and he starts being nicer - but still never spending anymore time with me.

I am in complete agreement re DD not being around this and thinking it’s normal. My father always worked long hours as he owned his own business but he was always present, I remember him taking me to bed even though he had just got home, coming on family holidays and still working but making sure he done things with us like snorkelling etc. So for me, it’s normal for a father to work a lot to provide but it’s not normal for them not to be present.

I always said to myself that I would wait until DD was one years old and I had returned to work to leave, but sadly I don’t think that will be happening.

its an awful situation his family have turned on me since having DD too so the thought of having to share her with them just breaks my heart. DD is amazing, so sweet, so funny, how anyone wouldn’t want to be present is beyond me.

I don’t think you will be sharing her with anyone - if they can’t even be bothered now they aren’t going to out themselves out to see her.

I agree I would not be accpeting this for myself or my child. However I'm just wondering is there any chance he has male postnatal depression? So is working all these hours to avoid the issue? Just a thought for you to consider.

@Donimo thanks
for your reply. It had crossed mY mind and also something my parents mentioned as he does seem to be a completely different person since havig DD. Always moody, snappy etc.
my parents think he can’t cope with an intense job and intense home life. I think he’s used to being babied by everyone as he has been his whole life and now there’s real responsibilities he is struggling to cope with it all.

as sad as that may be for him, I’m also a FTM and have been pretty much solo parenting with a Velcro and reflux baby for 6 months. So it’s hard to care too much about his struggles when no one really cares about mine. I sound horrid I know, but I always say you won’t forget how people treat you after you’ve had a baby and that applies to my partner unfortunately.