Feeling like a dreadful mum :(

[cscj]

My baby is 16 weeks old. She was a ridiculously unsettled newborn and if I’m honest, I found the first few months of her life nothing short of traumatic. I never once experienced the ‘newborn bubble’ people talk about. In reality, I wished each week away for when things might hopefully get easier and that I might enjoy the time spent together. I was constantly filled with anxiety about when she’d next start screaming (as she screamed with red faced, fists clenched, tears running rage as a default setting for the majority of her awake time), and a desperate sadness that I hadn’t had the supposed blissful newborn experience that all the other women around me spoke about and that I also really looked forward to during my pregnancy. Everyone just told me how much they loved their new baby… I just wondered what instruction manual mine had failed to read and wondered how I was managing to get the whole parenting thing so wrong.

Things have slowly (emphasis on slowly) been getting easier in some ways as the weeks pass. She no longer screams 24/7 like she did when a newborn. She still does scream, but it has decreased in frequency. Now I get more constant whinging/fussing/grizzling.

However, it just feels like I’ve replaced the screaming with a new ‘issue’. She now doesn’t sleep and so I spend my days & nights desperately trying to get her to sleep. She has every sleep prop going. I don’t even bother attempting self-settling and I’m not trying to get her to do independent naps in her cot etc., etc. I guess what I’m getting at is that I really don’t think I have unrealistic expectations of her sleeping 12 hour stretches having self-settled. I spend my days walking hours and hours on end with her in her pram so that she’ll nap as this is where she appears to be happiest, then overnight she is currently waking every 1-2 hours.

I just can’t get over the feelings of sheer boredom, frustration, monotony, exhaustion, etc., etc. I am drained in every way possible - emotionally but also physically from the lack of sleep and the 15,000+ steps I’m doing every day to get her sleeping. I often just sit and think I wish I hadn’t done this. I actually sit and think I wish I hadn’t had my baby. I know that is so awful to think and I am ashamed. I cry with guilt for feeling this way. I know she is a helpless baby and I know I chose to have her. But 4 months in and it’s still so hellish. When I spend time with other mums, their babies just don’t seem to be this relentless and demanding. I see other mums look at me and my baby and think ‘what the flying hell is wrong’. In fact, one mum even said to me during a baby class that she “had never heard her baby cry like that” whilst my baby was having yet another meltdown.

I just constantly feel like a failure and that I must not be meeting my baby’s needs, but I desperately try the whole time to do the ‘right thing’ and am always reading, researching, etc., to see what I can do to help improve things and to help her sleep better, to ‘entertain’ her with toys she might like, etc. I can’t emphasise how many things I’ve tried / bought to help make her happier.

I just miss having time with my husband that doesn’t involve listening to & dealing with a screaming & non-sleeping baby.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to achieve from this post. I suppose some solidarity. I just feel like a terrible person and an even worse mother. :(

You're not a terrible person or a bad mother - I think anyone would be at the end of their tether under the circumstances.

Have you ruled out any physical problems? And is she any better in a sling/carrier?

Welcoming to parenting club, where problems are merely exchanged for other ones!

In all honesty, yes it's hard. Really hard at times, but you'll get through it, one day at a time. You do write though as if you expect it to start off hellish and then just get better. It might be better to think that some things will get easier, but others may get harder, and for every issue that is solved, a new one is likely to come along.

We are all just winging it really! (5 and 6, and still winging it, screwing up, and finding it all very difficult. I don't expect it to change any time for at least the next dozen years.

Colic
Infacol
If you swaddle try a sleeping bag or visa versa or different way of swaddling
Make sure you’ve dusted the room that can help.. apparently
Humidifier … apparently
Baby massage for wind malvender body wash and moisturiser
Maybe take baby to supermarkets and to see your friends to fit in with your life as you are drained and need to look after your needs too
White noise, pink noise etc
Put the babies sleeping stuff (Pajamas, bedsheet etc) on your chest to get your scent on it
Try dimming lights gradually before bedtime
Make a food diary of what you eat if your breastfeeding
Speak to health visitor/ midwife about what’s happening
Tied a sling?
Singing to baby?
Bicycle motion with babies legs for wind
You’ve probably tied all the above but I do sympathise it’s awful but it will get better

You are not a bad mother. You are doing your very best. Have you explored whether baby has an allergies or anything like that? A friends little one was so distressed until they realised he had a dairy allergy and changed mums diet (as breastfed) but if you’re FF maybe a dairy free alternative might be worth exploring?
Perhaps a visit to a craniosacral therapist or osteopath might help? I took my eldest to one and I do think it helped. Lots may think it’s a load of rubbish but if it can offer any help it’s worth a try. Hang on in there, things will get easier

The fact that you feel like a dreadful mum means you are not a dreadful mum as you actually care.
My DD was very similar, always cried, never slept, and always seemed unhappy (unless I held her). I used to think what is wrong with this child?!
It did improve slowly after about 6 months and by the time she was 18 months she was a completely different child. She is now 4 and is a happy, funny, lovely little girl so there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Looking back I think she was just very sensitive and it took her a while how to figure out how to deal with world.
Stick with it, I am sure you are doing a great job and remember you are not alone

Please please stop being so hard on yourself. Its such a shock to the system giving birth and having to look after baby 24/7 especially when the baby cries a lot or doesn’t sleep. Its a big transition and it takes a long time to adjust.

Ive been there & I can really relate to the boredom & monotony that you describe.

As well as it being absolutely relentless and exhausting! I had plenty of “wtf have I done moments”, especially when sleep deprived & after a long day so dont think you are alone just a lot of people wouldn’t ever admit to it.

Try and take it one day at a time, it will get easier.

If you have any family support use it, even if its only for an hour while someone brings baby for a walk use that hour to recharge mentally & physically.

It will get easier I promise x

You are not a shit mum, it is really hard and I found myself wishing the time away, especially with my second. I still wouldn't go back to the newborn days for any money in the world.

If you are a problem solver by nature it can be hard when nothing works, some babies just don't sleep and nothing you can do helps, although it is so frustrating I think part of the process is accepting it as much as trying to fix it (I'm saying this as my 3 year old still wakes every night and I can't believe it still happens 😅)

It does get easier though but it takes a while and you are still in the trenches as they say. Be kind to yourself.

You are not a failure - you are a new Mum with a fractious baby. But please be reassured that this will pass. Just hang on in there.

You aren't a bad mum. I think I would try to see if you can talk to someone about possible physiological reasons for her discomfort.

I'd describe your thoughts about your DD 'intrusive', which can be a sign of depression. I would see a doctor about your health too.

I really like what PP said about diet changes - could you try cutting out wheat/ dairy in turn for a week or two each time to see if it helps?

I was you, DS was your baby, oh my, it's hard!

Some babies are just tricky, there's not too much that you can do about it, and the fact that you're concerned shows that you're a great Mum.

DS is 13 now, he is incredible. Brilliant company, intelligent, loads of friends, the funniest person I know. I think in part due to the fact that I absolutely slaved over that boy for a long time means that our bond now is very very strong.

I'm absolutely not saying that it's going to take you 13 years, but there's never a truer phrase than 'it's just a phase, it will pass' hang in there, I promise you it will.

(I also had a second baby fairly soon after, DD was one of those absolute angel babies that sat and smiled whilst everybody else marvelled, I'd done my time!)

You sound like you have signs of postnatal depression I'd keep an eye on your emotions xxx
Ask a relative to have her for a few hours so you can sleep and have a hot bath . Motherhood is full of ups and downs. I have 3 under 5 and the amount of times I've cried from guild worry happiness sadness frustration I couldn't tell you. But it does get better

I understand and recognise every word you said as I could have written it myself, almost verbatim. The things that helped me were a sleep consultant for my first (at 11 months and, yes, I even went on to have a second child which felt unimaginable at times!) and time. That might not feel like much help now but I hope that I can at least offer solidarity and a flicker of hope that it gets so much easier as they get older. I thought I was the only one in the world with a baby like this and I can promise you that you are not x

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. As I say, I’m not sure why I even posted this thread really. I think I just needed somewhere to get some of these feelings off my chest. It’s much harder to admit that you often regret having your baby to your family & friends.

things we’ve tried over the last 16 weeks:

-Infacol
-Gripe water
-She was EBF for the first 12 weeks. She’s now still 90% BF with a bottle of formula here & there.
-I removed dairy from my diet a month ago now and when she has a bottle of formula she has nutramigen.
-Had her checked for tongue tie
-I’ve worked with two IBCLC’s to ensure proper BF latch etc.
-She’s had 4 sessions with a chiropractor that also has trained in some osteopath techniques.
-She was on omeprazole for 3 weeks a little while ago as the HV was convinced she had silent reflux. I saw no improvement so stopped giving this to her as it’s a strong medication to give without me being confident it was making a positive change.
-2.5tog sleeping bag in case she’s cold
-1tog sleeping bag in case she’s hot
-Watching wake windows like a hawk & walking endlessly to get her napping
-Introducing a bedtime routine
-Black out blinds in our bedroom where she sleeps
-White noise
-Dummy
-Contact naps

honestly, I feel like the list just goes on & on! I’ve spent a small fortune on stuff / sessions with different professionals.

I’ve been to the GP a few times with her and we were referred to the paediatric team at our local hospital too. They’ve never found anything physically wrong with her.

I used to think there was something wrong with her as I couldn’t fathom that a baby could cry so much… but having exhausted every avenue I could think of, aside from perhaps the bog standard colic, I now just think this is just her temperament. Which is in equal parts a relief there’s nothing seriously wrong, but it doesn’t make dealing with it any easier each day. The guilt just cripples me though as I know how much she wants & needs me, and yet so much of the time I am just wishing I could get far, far away.

I went through every single thing on that list too! I look back and wonder now if everything he was exhibiting were signs of... being a baby 🙈 Yes it felt like I was the only one in the world who had an unsettled baby but I really wasn't. It doesn't help that it's difficult to share these feelings when you're going through them, so it compounds the feeling of being alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child and that village so often isn't there now for many reasons - it's so hard! I wish I could do more to help you in this moment but please know that you are a good parent and one day you'll be through the thick of it. There will always be challenges but everything is easy when they can communicate with you (and sleep!!) x

Also, to offer further reassurance regarding temperament - my first child was such a tough baby but has been the most easy going child and 'the terrible twos' were not something we experienced. Friends who had had chilled babies, on the other hand, found the toddler stage really tough!

One slightly random point - given your baby hasn't read the book, don't be afraid to try unusual/non standard ideas.

My second went through a period where she would only fall asleep to one particular song (not remotely soothing either) and only with the light on full. So it was bright lights at bedtime! Literally the opposite of any advice you'd get, but it worked for her.

Equally, sometimes there isn't any solution except time, and there can be comfort in accepting that rather than fighting it.

Oh lovely, I recognise much of what you've said, and am sending virtual hugs! You are certainly not a dreadful mum, you are doing such an amazing job trying to find ways to help your little one. I too paced the streets for naps and drove myself a bit mad trying to work out what it was I was doing wrong, researching stuff etc. I think some babies just don't like being babies! My daughter was happier when she was on the move rolling and crawling, and over time things got better... Now she is 6 and it's a distant memory.

Please do reach out to your health visitor or GP if you are feeling low. I remember sometimes thinking we would both be better off dead, which is a horrible place to be... Sleep deprivation is so awful and has a massive effect on your mood. I was given anti depressants and counselling which helped. Your HV also might be able to refer you to Home Start who can provide a person to visit you, or they run groups (I went to one which I affectionately called the sad mummies club as it was for mums with PND, but it was great because you could go and cry and admit you were struggling and it was ok!) Things can and will get better... This too will pass 💐

It's so rough, my first born was exactly the same. He screamed for the first 5 months of his life! Was put down to colic. I tried everything and felt the same as how you describe.
Our second son is 10 weeks and so much more chill than his brother and we have done nothing differently.
Our first son after 5 months of hourly wakes Co sleeping all of a sudden started sleeping really well in his cot once he could roll and sleep on his stomach.

I reccomend 100% baby wearing in a carrier for day naps and co sleeping at night for the first 6 months. It's pure survival. 😊

Mine are now teens and twenties but I could have written your post when they were babies. Both of mine were terrible sleepers and big criers and as far as I could make out, were more challenging than friends' babies who slept a lot more and cried a lot less.

I didn't enjoy it at all and still look back at it and wonder how I coped. But time passed and things gradually improved. It will change I promise, you're definitely not a failure, don't stress yourself with the reading and researching, hang in there.

Have you considered an allergy? Maybe you need to start cutting things out of your diet. Dairy is the usual culprit but it could be something else.

Seconding baby carrier/sling sleeping.
DS had tummy issues and hated sling so it was hell. DD liked being carrier around so I would just schedule three walks per day, feed her, pop her in and off we go.
They were an hour, 1.5 and hour long sleeps at that stage and she slept much better than DS during night.
Both coslept until 8m.

Can you afford a few hours a week of maternity nursing care? Not an actual nurse but a nanny who specialises in new norms? It could give you some respite and freedom and buy in some expertise.

In terms of personality, what were you and your partner like as babies?

im not convinced that this isn’t medical - it sounds like a pain response. It could be something rarer than the bog standard colic/reflux/chiro pain. I’d go back to the GP and get a bit foot stampy. Maybe an mri would be helpful, or a blood test.

behaviour is a language and your baby is trying to say something. Might be as simple as she hates being a baby, or as serious as some underlying health condition or allergy.