I'm not quite sure what to do with my 5 yo and would like some feedback. I don't know whether his behaviour is normal, whether he needs SEN evaluation, or perhaps if he should just repeat a year of school. Or some combination!
DS is a 5.5 yo boy who is our first and has a 1.5 yo sister. I love him to bits, of course. He has always been quite clever and happy to play on his own, I see now in comparison with his sister that he's always been a bit shy (at the library rhyme time, for example he'd be cautious and prefer to sit with me on the edge and follow along, whilst DD wants to be in the front dancing along with the group) . He always met all of his milestones but I also see, in comparison with his sister, that the social ones were a bit slower. (DD for example is 18 months and does elaborate pretend games, says hello and goodbye, waves, blows kisses, unloads the dishwasher with us, etc. DS at that age was more interested in doing his own thing.)
For context, he started nursery around 11 months (a small church nursery) and was 1.5 when the first wave of the pandemic hit, so besides the few days at nursery, he had limited social interaction with other children until later. (We didn't have family around and no friends in the immediate area with children his age). I did ask them if he played with other children or had friends there, they said if the other children were messing about, he'd pick up a book and read in the corner. Just before his fourth birthday he switched to a nursery school and did quite well there, seemd to be learning well and happy, had a couple of friends where we were invited to set up play dates, etc. His sister was then born and we moved abroad shortly thereafter. We now live where they have a combined transitional kindergarten/kindergarten class (like nursery/reception combined.) He had one or two weeks of the class before the summer holidays and it didn't go well, he had accidents almost daily, came out almost catatonic, was not talking with other children or was sort of grabbing them - not to hurt them but to try to engage. He started with the reception group in the autumn and it's been very up and down. The teachers agree he's quite clever and is working academically at a year 1-2 level, but still struggles to follow intructions on the first go and to make positive contact with other children. ( Also relevant is that he's been picked on by two boys in his class, the school are aware but as a result DS seems to have developed a fear of children he doesn't know, for example at a crowded playground he's quite scared and won't go in without me or DH holding his hand and staying close to him.) They have a teacher who helps the youngest children with this behaviour and he's been working with DS, with positive effect according to the school. But it still feels like it's a massive struggle.
Here are some examples of his behaviour:
- I took him and DD to a children's museum today. There were many younger children (toddlers and upwards) and he was just being sort of wild, swinging equipment about, taking things from other kids, etc. He wasn't snatching really or being violent, but he's just really enthusiastic. There were foam bricks, for example, and he wanted to build something for himself, so he took all of them and moved them to another area. Even just as a younger child (3 yo) was going to pick it up. He was scolded by one or two other parents but it didn't make a difference. I had already told him to stop, share, etc.. And I had already made an agreement with him that we would do good listening or go home. We reminded ourselves of the agreement and moved to the next section of the museum where there was a small play area. A little girl (2 year, I would guess) was climibing up the ladder to a small slide and he started to go past her. I told him to stop and wait his turn and he looked at me and didn't, and just kept climbing. Her mum grabbed her so he could go by and she didn't fall. He wasn't shoving or pushing but also not listening and not doing what he knows is the right thing to do. I told him that was enough and we left the museum because he wasn't listening or playing in a way that was safe for other children. He was extremeley upset, crying and yelling that he wanted one more chance and would do good listening and follow the rules. I remained firm and said no, he had three chances already and we were going home.
- Yeterday at the afterschool programme he was wound up and sort of tossing wooden blocks around. Not at any particular child but just being a bit wild. When the teacher told him to stop, he didn't listen and kept going. When the teacher tried to talk to him about it, he laughed. The teacher was surprised because they have a good relationship and he knows DS as quiet and cooperative. (I noticed when I picked him up that he had almost had a wee accident, I was late coming from work and I think he doesn't like to use the loos there as they don't lock and are a bit dirty. I reckon he felt ashamed and didn't want to say it? He also does the laughing thing at home sometimes if DH or I are talking to him about something he's done, I reckon he is embarrassed and doesn't know how to manage that feeling.)
- If we see children from his school on the street, they say hello to him and he turns bright red and doesn't say hello back. I have tried encouraging him to wave or do something to acknowledge them but he just freezes.
- At home he is generally quite loving towards his sister. Even if he is a bit wound up, he is mindful of where she is and is never aggressive towards her or so lost in his own self that he can't make way for her.
- On the other hand, he is quite clever and happily plays by himself building legos or doing puzzles and can spend an afternoon that way. He isn't obsessive about any one thing but does have excellent attention (can also listen to stories for 10+ yos and follows them well). He has had play dates at home, some of the children he got on better with, the main thing I noticed was he had trouble sharing his toys, he seems possessive or jealous? But also it's a big deal to share your very favourite toy for a 5 yo, I think?
He doesn't seem to lack empathy. He is quite emotional and values family highly. He is a bit of a homebody and says he doesn't like school because he misses DH and I. None of his teachers have suggested he might have SEN. But sometimes it's like his ears don't work and he's so impulsive, or just has trouble self regulating and down regulating? I've thought he might just need a bit of help socially (and perhaps is behind because of the pandemic, and he only learned how to play with adults from so much time home with DH and I?) and am pleased the school has assigned some extra help for him. But to me it also makes sense he would repeat kindy, but the school have said they see him progressing to year 1 after the summer as academically he's ready and they feel he'll be bored if he repeats kindy and that will contribute to his behaviour.
I realise this is a long post but my head is just spinning. It seems like his behaviour is stuck at 3-4 years perhaps? I would like it to not be such a struggle for us or for him. I would like to support him to be happy. Do I not have firm enough boundaries? Or am I too firm? Is this something like ADHD or ASD? Please help, I'm just at a loss and I don't know what to do.