is it normal to feel worried when you see other children's development?

[notagreatmum]

Hi

I'm struggling a bit and don't know what the 'norm' is. I have a 2.5 year old. She did have a speech delay and didn't really have any words at 2. She has now kind of caught up according to SLT - she is very chatty but her words can be unclear and her sentences are often missing the link words like 'is' etc.

Anyway anytime i see or spend time with another child anywhere near her age I just panic and question everything I've done parenting wise.

every other child seems to be very ahead of her with speech but also with everything! Like my daughter can jump, but she isn't confident in jumping off things onto the floor. In the swimming pool she wont let me let go of her like other children her age.

She doesn't have any identified delay or diagnosis and she has been seen by a lot of different professionals and goes to nursery. So maybe she is just generally a bit 'behind' the curve but - why? is it likely to be because i had post natal depression and anxiety or because I didnt breastfeed?

I'm not a confident parent and don't feel certain of any of the choices I make day by day when parenting her - everyone else seems to know what they are doing instinctively and their kids seem to be much more advanced.

I don't know what I'm asking - perhaps just perspectives or anyone else feel like this?

Ahhh go easy on yourself. Some kids whose parents don't interact with them and sit in front of a TV all day are top of the year at school. Others take longer. It works itself out. Life IS NOT a race. Enjoy your child and don't compare them. I'm a parent of 3. One has asd and developmental delay, 1 is a baby and the other is hugely advanced. I love them all and they are all wonderful. They are all their own people.

No no no no. OP, I don't know you but I will tell you this isn't your fault and all kids develop at completely different rates. It sounds absolutely fine to me. What you describe doesn't sound concerning or a flag for any extra needs/ issues at all.

I spent 9 years, 9 whole years blaming myself every day for my child's behaviour. I also allowed others to chip in with their judgement and opinions. It turns out my son is Autistic/ADHD . Many were more than happy to blame my poor health conditions for every single quirk or struggle.

Your child is very young to tell if there is any type of difference at all from what you describe but this doesn't sound like there are any tbh. I believe many kids have different timescales for development. They have different temperaments, some are clingy, some are not. Only time will tell if there are additional needs, which I know is difficult, but based on this there likely aren't.

The fact you wrote your post means you care,you're an involved mum. Just being a good enough mum is all we need be. There are no amazing mums out there. The PND was not your fault. I hope there's no one in your life making you feel that you are to blame for anything going on with your child.

Try not compare. It's soul destroying and plenty will be happy to stick the boot in if you're a generally unconfident person.

Oooh yes, further to my other post, your child sounds absolutely fine for their age!

Your daughter sounds fine, children develop at their own pace.

Children become confident and good at things by doing them so you need to talk to her alot,lots of reading, narrating what you are doing, even if she doesn't use the words she'll be building a vocabulary.

If you want to develop her physical skills then think up fun ways to incorporate that into your day, jumping to the lamppost, skipping to the post box etc as she gets older

Everyone is good at something, you just might not see it yet she might be very kind, a good friend, great with animals, excellent at baking. I taught a teen who had had speech delay and he was the most eloquent student that I ever taught loved to debate and had a fantastic Frank Sinatra Crooner style singing voice.

As for why she is the way she is, stop worrying about it, even if it was something you did (which it's highly likely it ist) you can't change it now. Don't tell you worries hold you back, make sure you are getting out to the library and to zoos etc, don't let it diminish you and prevent you both from experiencing the world

At 2 and a half, nothing is wrong. She'll get there eventually. It could literally be next week that she takes a burst in language. I don't really think it's possible to have a language delay at 2 years old. It's too early to tell.

My son is the same age and his language came overnight at about 2 years old. He's my first and I didn't expect it to develop so quickly. I thought words came gradually at a steady rate. But he went from "mummy milk" and "daddy garden" to "mummy I want a cup of milk please" and "daddy you want to play in the garden with me?" in the space of a week.

His little best friend of the same age is still at the stage of saying one word: "car" "biscuit" "mummy" and so on. They play together beautifully and I'm sure it'll be a matter of weeks before he's also chatting away in sentences.

It's nothing you're doing wrong. You've no idea what her little brain is processing in the meantime. If they're not doing one thing, they're working on another without us knowing, and all these things come together to form their personalities.

❤thank you all for replying and being so kind. i know i shouldn't compare. im so worried about having this feeling for the rest of her childhood especially given that school is going to be so much more competitive and full of pushy parents I think.

And i know @Oversharingsonewusernamehaha i feel like im so careful with all sorts of 'bad' parenting things like TV and sugar, and then watch other people doing that kind of stuff all the time and their kids seem so much more advanced than mine.

I really do try and encourage her @Singleandproud . i don't know what I'm doing wrong as to why she doesn't pick up the skills or does but just takes her longer.

@Pantaloons99 yeh i get that. subtle comments about 'things being difficult' when she was little.

@Yourethebeerthief I hope you're right. her speech has come on considerably in the last few months. It's just the main outward indicator of development isn't it and i feel a bit frozen and guilty when i hear other children talking so much better than her.

I wouldn't worry about a bit of telly. My son announced that we were having a "marvellous time" at the park. I don't speak like that 😅 He picked it up from a programme.

Your job as a mother is to give your child the right conditions to grow, that's a safe and loving reasonably clean home, low stress environment, nutritious food, physical activity, medical care when required, attention and a place where education and reading is valued.

If you are doing those things then she will grow and develop in her own time. She may have further additional needs that needs support and she may grow and thrive in her own way but if you are providing her with support and love then there is nothing wrong with her or you. Even if you have your own struggles with PND there are other people that can take over when you can't. Lots and lots of children have additional needs of one sort or another and those additional needs are more because modern living and what society expects of us is so out of kilter with our natural ways. We are ofcourse animals, designed to hunt and gather not designed to be in a school or office environment so some people find that transition harder than others.

Yes!
My daughter had a issues with speech and I'm glad I was looking at other children. She had 3 words at 10 months and still has 3 words at 10 months but different words. Seeing her learn new words lulled me into a false sense of security as she was progressing. Around 20 months I was at our regular toddler group and I sat and watched my friends little boy and he had always been a bit ahead of my daughter but now he was a lot ahead of my daughter. I reached out to our HV and we had some exercises to help her keep old words when learning new words. At 2 she had about 10 words and mostly communicated by pointing. She started a new nursery and they were great with her and within 2 months she was using 2 and 3 word sentences. She was still behind my friends little boy but now back to a slightly behind. By 3 there wasn't a big difference.

I think it is useful to look at other children the important thing is not obsess about it. I try to not look at other children more than a couple of times a year. I try to look only at children I know because I can see the growth and that is more important to me than what they can achieve and I talk to the parents. I know that the mum in question is very pleased with his speech but concerned that he refuses to do any craft and won't hold crayons - how will he learn to write! Babies children and adults all have things that they can do better tham others, things they want to do better than others. You can't take skills in isolation and look at other children as a whole as well as your own. I'm glad I noticed my daughter was slipping further behind and it was joyous watching her catch up. I also love watching and noticing how much friends children are growing and it is reassuring to see my daughter relative to them but in small doses!

Try to go easy on yourself and just enjoy your child.

That said I can totally relate to what you are saying. My little girl is almost 2 and still not really close to walking (we are doing some physio but still not sure if there is anything wrong as such or if she is just taking her time). It's really hard when we meet up with the NCT group and all the others are so far ahead physically or at the playground where all the kids her age are walking or even running. I've read a lot about late walkers being early talkers but my daughter is still not much of a talker yet either. I also find it hard not to worry and compare all the time.

@wishIwasonholiday10 @Superscientist thank you for sharing your experiences.

I think it's tricky when they very little as it's so obvious when there's developmental differences - eg like walking or talking.

@wishIwasonholiday10 I remember my health visitor telling me her own daughter didn't walk til after 2 (all was fine, just that was her developmental path). I know the logic of it, kind of, but I wish I could feel confident in myself and my parenting choices so that I wouldn't feel that everything she can't do yet is a result of me being shit - if that makes sense? I just get this wave of terror over me and it makes me avoid friends who have kids.

Sorry this is all a pity party. Things have been really hard for a long time and I'd love this bit to be more straightforward.

My daughter didn't smile until 18 weeks nor turn to sounds. She just screamed all day. So different to anyone else I saw

Within a week of stopping dairy and soya she was a different baby and so much guilt about not pushing my concerns earlier.

Mum guilt is so hard! It's not you. My daughter's dietician told us both of her children needed SALT support to learn to talk. So many little people need different guidance to meet milestones it's not on you. You are doing a fantastic job.

Are you getting her plenty of physical exercise? Parks, balance bike etc?

Also, don't be afraid to encourage your daughter to take risks. Yes it's scary when your toddler tries to hurl themselves off the climbing frame, but showing them how to do it safely instead of forbidding them from doing it at all is the best way.

aw @Superscientist it must have been such a relief to change the diet and see the change. Thos early weeks and months are dreadful (well were for me). thank you for sharing - I feel quite alone and it's good to know It isn't just me

@coxesorangepippin yes she goes out to the park most days, and out on a balance bike. I take her to 'gymnastics' (toddler version) and also swimming every week. Nursery have commented she's always first in line to want to go and play outside as well so she's definitely an outdoors child at the moment. I'm very physically cautious - and I'd always assumed this was because of general anxiety / lack of safe parenting i received. i don't know how to feel more physically confident. my body is a constant source of disappointment and failure and i suspect it would let me down if i tried to climb a ladder.

@notagreatmum hey I know this is an old post I just wanted to ask how your daughter is now? The post you have wrote is exactly how I'm feeling right now, its a horrible feeling I'm just wondering how you moved on and did your daughter get more confident in her speech

@notagreatmumI know this is an old thread but I could have written your post (only my DD is 2 next week not 2.5). Reading the comments really helped me with my current feelings. I hope you’re feeling much better now and all is okay xx