Another baby?

[fatcathatmat]

Preface this by saying, I know I'm incredibly lucky.

We have one baby, 4mo. He has been a very easy baby from birth, who sleeps and feeds well and is a happy chappy most of the time. DP is a very equal parent, we alternate being 'on duty' overnight, he does every nappy because I breastfeed, we split awake time with baby if we're not all together so we each get time to ourselves to do stuff we want, and he will be taking 6 months off work parental leave when I go back when baby hits 6mo. We've got lots of supportive family. I found weeks 6-12ish very hard when my partner was working, just a bit relentless, but now ds is a bit more interactive I'm enjoying him again.

We are both from large families- I have 4 siblings and DP has 3. We always envisaged a big family with lots of kids. We're not rich, but we earn well and if we are careful with money could afford this (so probably not expensive foreign holidays and bedrooms would be shared, but we grew up camping and sharing rooms and are happy with that).

Now our baby is here, I'm torn about whether to have another. We try not to be all pfb, but I know we won't be able to give a second, third etc the same attention ds now gets, I worry we won't cope if the next baby is a terrible sleeper, and I don't want to spoil the great set up we have. But also we love our siblings and I kind of want that joy for him. How did you decide on how many to have, and what would you advise?

I have a baby a similar age.
Honestly, I love him and we are also lucky in many ways but another is the last thing on my mind right now.

I know we will have another but I'll be waiting a few years for sure.

I actually now think those with babies close in age are more nuts then before I was a parent but each to their own haha - we all handle it different so there's no right answer. Some may say, get all the young years out the way together.

Relax. You have a 4 month old. In my opinion that's far too soon to be thinking about whether you want more. Your baby is still fresh from the womb and hasn't even really woken up yet, and you're still full of hormones. I would wait and see how the next 4 months go before making any decisions. Anything could happen. And I say this as a mum of two (28 month gap)

I have 2 with a 4 year age gap. DD2 gets almost as much one to one attention as DC1 had, since DC1 is at school so I've been able to take them both to lots of baby groups, classes, swimming and general play time. I would not have wanted to juggle 2 young dcs on my own, and not be able to focus on one of them most of the time. At weekends DH and I spend our time together with the dcs, so that each child can get adult attention.

Finances aren't an issue in having more dcs for us but the practicalities are. DC1 goes to lots of extracurriculars, and it will be just about manageable to take DC2 when she is older, with DH helping and a bit of childcare to help with the juggling. I think 3 or more dcs would make it unmanageable and it wouldn't be fun dragging several siblings along. Of course, lots of parents do things differently and just leave the dcs to their own devices a lot of the time, which works for them but I like to have a more individual approach.

Gosh OP, your baby is 4mo, you don't need to be even considering this now! Just wait and see how you and DP feel further down the line.

One of my strongest identities is sister so I always hoped to have more than one child.
My first came along in 2020 mid pandemic and the first year with her was easily my worst year of my life. It took 2 years to get back to my normal level of functioning. Around 1 year I questioned how I could possibly care for the child I had and myself. A second child was no where near my thoughts. I had severe treatment resistant depression and my daughter has severe silent reflux and allergies which she hasn't outgrown at nearly 4. It took until she was 3 for us to even consider it and then a further 8 months for me to carefully remove the medications that helped me find some normality with life. It has been a very difficult decision and I have been having counselling with my HV including a joint session with my partner to discuss how hard we find parenting my daughter with her reflux and allergies which we both found beneficial and both feel better equipped to deal with another child that would potentially have reflux and allergies and if I got unwell again too

I would shelve thinking about it until they are two or three. I want another but right now my two year old is killing my broodiness.

It's funny everyone saying to wait a couple of years, there's less than 18 months between each of my siblings so it feels like that's a normal gap to me, and so it feels like we have only 5 months to make our minds up! Do children really have enough in common if there's multiple years between them and no other sibling to 'bridge' the gap?

Goodness. It seems like you're feeling pressure from somewhere (even if not directly or explicitly)? I had similar feelings when DC1 was 2, and it took another 2 years for me to feel like I could bring myself to do it. They're now 6 and 1 and honestly, it's lovely. Of course different age gaps come with pros and cons, but just do what's right for you and your family, not what you think you ought to do.

@Xmasbabyxmas no pressure (but thank you for the concern, good advice if there were) just assumptions I think. Nice to hear your age gap works so well! And I guess like @dorumba that means both got your full attention a lot when they were really tiny

3.5 year gap between mine and they get along brilliantly and play really well together. We didn't even think about a second until eldest turned 2!

Same here. My two adore each other. #3 will be along when #2 is just turning 3 too. I actually don't know anyone in our circles with less than 2.5 yrs between their kids but most of them have 3+.

Ive got 4 DC and have definitely enjoyed having larger age gaps - 4 years and then 3 years.

Yes, they still have lots in common and love to play! We also joke that our eldest is on "team parent" - she's so helpful with the little ones and loves holding hands to cross roads, reading them a bedtime story etc. It's particularly wonderful seeing her with her baby sister as they clearly totally adore each other. There are still lots of things we all do together - anywhere with a big outside play area is still a winner with all of ours, although I appreciate that will get tougher when eldest enters the team years.

A big age gap means that they still get plenty of 1:1 attention due to school/preschool/naps. You also don't have lots in nappies/up at night so it's not too intense. However, I feel like I've spent almost all of my 30s breastfeeding and relatively tied to home in a way I wouldn't have been had I had them closer together.

Just give it some time. I can't imagine hankering after another when one is still so tiny!

As per others. Definitely stop worrying about this for now. Come back to it in a year or two once you've got a feel for parenting through other ages - sounds like you've dropped lucky so far, it might not last! Give it time and it will become more obvious what is right for you.

I'd start trying around now if I was you. We have a 16 month gap, first is 28 month, youngest just had her first baby. Its incredible having them close in age, the nappy years and other awkward bits are overlapping. Plus, in my view you only really get your life back when they're around 1, so I grouped that bit close together

I say that as someone who's first was a horrendous sleeper until 14 months!

@fatcathatmat

Everyone gets broody around the 4/5 month mark. Give it some time.

As an aside, what on Earth does this mean?

he does every nappy because I breastfeed

You never change a nappy? What has breastfeeding got to do with it?

I'm middle of 3. I have 7 and 4 year gaps and they have 11 between them. We are all really close and brought one another up. We all went through each stage of growing up separately so we taught one another. I still remember fondly the day my big sister dropped a deodorant in my room aged 12 and suggested that my blouse needed a wash. I'm not sure if she would have cared the same had she been 14 and not 19.

My dad is the eldest of 5 with aged gaps between 2 and 21 years and the only person he isn't in contact with is the 2 year age gap. He has been a father figure to the 21 year gap and speaks daily to the 5 year gap brother.

My mum has a 16 month aged gap with her sister and they have years where they are close and years where they only see each other at birthdays and Christmas.

It really depends much more on the personalities and the other people in their lives. I would say the personalities of friends and significant others in siblings lives has as much impact as the age gap. One of my uncles has a very toxic wife and another aunties husband and children think of their own needs first second and third and everyone else comes after that. The brothers and sisters in my parents lives on a regular basis are those that care about the day to day lives of others.

We decided not to have a second for similar reasons. I love how much we can give our son, both materially and emotionally. I know people say your love multiplies rather than divides but love isn't the only consideration. My patience, my money and my free time will certainly divide. And personally I've decided I don't want that. I'll be a much happier, more present and financially stable parent to one child. And that's for a child without things like medical needs or who is particularly hard work as baby, which would make things even harder.

The decision is a little easier for me because I don't get on with my sibling at all. So while I do sometimes think it would be nice to give him a sibling, the benefits don't outweigh the risks for me.

This!

I mean that because I'm doing the breastfeeding (which only I can do) my partner changes basically every nappy, to try and divide the work fairly. I'll change a nappy if we're out and about alone but otherwise no, I don't really change nappies

I would agree with PPs to pause giving another child lots of thought for now. You’re still in extremely early stages. I know lots of women have pregnancies close together, but the best thing is also to let your body heal.

I have 3 year old and a 5 month old. 3.1 yesr age gap. Both have had reflux and given me hell with sleep. You are very lucky with the sleep situation.

DH and I don’t have any health problems or allergies either but it at 6m+ that things started appear in DC1, such as eczema triggered by weaning, weaning allergies, hypermobility, speech delays etc. It’s also a huge battle to get any help from NHS so we’ve had to pay for some private appointments.

My brother and I have 2.5 year age gap and played together all the time as kids. We get on well now but live far apart.

If you want a big family then that’s absolutely fine if you feel you can do it. In my own friendship group interestingly, no one is considering more than 2 kids. Many actually stick with 1.

One thing to factor in with closer age gaps is childcare costs. I will have 10 months of 2 kids in nursery and am needing my DH to pay more just one nursery fee wipes my salary.

Oh just to add, it has meant me paying slightly less attention to DC1. Being pregnant and having another young child is exhausting and I struggled physically. My honest experience is that for me to give DC1 the 121 time and attention when not at nursery, taking him out etc, it had depended on me not breastfeeding DC2.

How old are you both??

I'm 34 and DP is 32, which plays into it, if we want a big family we can't really leave it 3-5 years+ between babies!

@MariaVT65 really useful input about the things that emerged for your DC around 6m; that's definitely worth waiting to see about, as if that were the case we'd 100% wait or stop at 1 to make sure we could give the attention and resources needed

Mine is 2yo and for the first year I was convinced I was one and done. Convinced. I sold all her baby stuff, she didn't move to a bigger house when we had planned to and I told everyone she'd be an only child. We're now trying for baby number 2. You're still so new to this, it may feel like it's getting easier but trust me, once baby gets to 2 and can talk and walk and be fairly independent the idea of another baby really seems like something which is really feasible. He won't need you this intensely forever and it's amazing how quickly they become more independent. Maybe just shelf the idea for a bit and check in on it again when you're further along.

Good luck!

I mean that because I'm doing the breastfeeding (which only I can do) my partner changes basically every nappy, to try and divide the work fairly. I'll change a nappy if we're out and about alone but otherwise no, I don't really change nappies

I've never heard of anyone dividing childcare like this. Is your husband not working? How is he around to change all these nappies all day long?

PP are right about how things can change quickly. Mine was a super chill little baby and we were in a cosy bubble at home for 5 months. Then suddenly he was crawling by 5 and a half months and was not a happy baby at home. We were out every single day on walks, at baby groups, book bug sessions etc because that was the only way he was content and I stayed sane! At least I made a lot of new mum friends and we're all still good friends now.

He's a ridiculously active toddler now too and we're never at home all day unless he's practically at death's door with sickness.