What's a fair division of labour?

[Threesmycrowd]

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by our 2 preschool DC and just the relentlessness of jobs around the house! DH works full time in a stressful job that he doesn't enjoy but that pays well enough for me to have dropped to working 2.5 days pw in my mid paid job. I do everything in the house except that he helps with bedtime and we are 50/50 on washing up after evening meal. Does this seem fair? I'm feeling really fed up and like I'm doing a lot (and getting ground down by it tbh). But I don't know whether it is fair to expect him to do more when he works hard to provide financially for us. What works for you?

sounds about right, but do you get a lie in one day each weekend?

We try to go for equal downtime so pretty much we are both busy in the day either actual work or kid and house stuff but in the evenings we have equal downtime

When mine were little and dh worked full time I did everything I could get done in the day then when he came home he joined in. He'd play with the baby while I cooked, do anything that needed doing that I hadn't got round to. There was no divisional discussion. It all just got done.

It isn't helping with bedtime unless you are thinking he is helping the child. He is not helping YOU. It's not all on you they are his dc too.

Talk to him. Tell him you are feeling exhausted. TBH I feel that once he walks through the door it is irrelevant he has been at work all day his job is now parenting.

Pretty similar situation to me and I would say roughly the same. We both tidy up after dinner / he takes the upstairs to start bath whilst I finish tidying or putting washing away, then we do books and milk and bed for one child each. I do all other bits in the house like day to day washing / cooking.

We do have a cleaner every other week so I just do bits in between to keep on top.

However, my DH will then often take them out for a morning / 3-4 hours or so on a weekend and I'll have time to myself - whether I stay in and potter in the house or go out - and also in the mornings on the weekend we both wake when the children do but one or the other will often take them downstairs and the other stays in bed for a bit longer. Varies on who is more tired / feeling lazy that morning etc.

Doesn’t seem unreasonable on the days he’s working and you’re off. On the days you’re both working I’d expect you to be doing less than you would on a day off and him to help pick up the slack. On the weekend it should be even with roughly equal amounts of downtime and roughly equal amounts of time doing childcare/ housework etc. Possibly he would get a bit more downtime if on any of your days off you are without the kids and get time for yourself he doesn’t get in the week.

It depends on how much of the household and child related tasks you are each doing when you are both at home. I mean, after washing up and bedtime, are you still spending an hour sorting laundry and packed lunches? On a weekend, do you both get a chance to lie in? Is he at home watching football every week while you take the dc out?

Basically, yes, if you are working part time I would expect you to be doing a bit more. BUT assuming you have the dc on your non work.days, I am also assuming not all the domestic chores are being done in that time and that therefore chores left over for evenings and weekends should br shared so you both get a break.

If he pushes back, it's worth pointing out that by you working less he does have to do less. If you go back tomwork full time everything, including nursery pick up and drop off, all have to be shared.

We’ve not had a discussion per se but generally if we’re both not working things are split 50:50 and done as and when needed. If one of us is working then the other one does everything. Load dishwasher, tidy up etc as necessary. DH usually comes in from work and does kids bedtime as I’m home with the kids more and the after school and dinner hours tend to kill be 😄
I was thinking the other day DH rarely does laundry, but it’s only a problem if it’s pissing you off and it’s working for me at the mo!

Thanks this is helpful. I will not say anything im glad ive sought opinions! I think my problem is that it feels relentless (like he goes to work, maybe washes up after dinner, maybe mows the lawn on a Saturday- so there is variety to his tasks. And the kids arent hanging off him when he does them!). Whereas I wash up 3 times a day, hang the washing out/put it away once every day, prepare every single meal - and always with an eye on the kids at the same time). I do more "relentlessly" but he does do extra jobs like house maintenance, insurance, sorting the car MOT type stuff so probably it is equal really. I dont think it's dhs fault I think it's the reality of life with small children- helpful to be reminded of that though!

Are the preschoolers at preschool when you're home? If not, your day job is to look after them and enrich their lives. I'd expect you to rest if they still nap and try to keep the house tidyish, but deep cleaning the bathroom and mopping the floors etc can be a DH job on the weekend. There are always jobs, like sorting grown out clothes etc that you'll end up doing. Weekends should be split with you doing shifts to give the other a break.

You are falling into this classic trap of lumping MOT and insurance into the same as cooking and washing. It's ridiculous.

Tell us what happens on weekends? He moves the lawn. Great. What do you do? Who lies in? How much time to just sit do both of you get. I bet he's sleeping right now?

No just to answer questions the kids are in nursery while I'm at work, I don't have time alone without them. And preschool is probably the wrong word - i meant below school age. One is 3, one is 18 months.

Haha no he is downstairs with the kids. I am in bed whining on mumsnet. Hes not a bad or lazy man!

I wouldn't be happy. I have a toddler and work 2 days a week. Husband works full time.

I cook everything and he washes up everything. I do hoovering, dusting and laundry. He does all bins, the cat litter and feeding the cat.

50/50 on who gets shopping in.

He does absolutely all DIY/renovations, cutting the grass etc.

I do the bulk of dealing with toddler but he gets up most mornings before work to play with him while I lie in, and we split the weekends evenly as well as doing things together as a family. I take toddler more at the weekend if there's a big thing needing done on the house that takes up his time.