Does anyone else regret having a baby?

[Tg2]

My little one is 11 months old now and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my old life with my partner. My daughter is lovely but I'm constantly wishing I could go back in time and not have a baby. I feel awful that I think these things and I know I can't do anything about it but just wondered if anyone else had thoughts like this and how you got through it? I go back to work soon which I'm hoping will help. Thank you

See how things feel when you go back to work. Some people just aren't cut out to be at home with small children all day every day and need something else in their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love their kids.

Do you ever get any time to yourself or go out on your own to meet friends?

parenting has lots of phases, you don’t have to love all of them for it to have been a good idea to have kids. A friend once told me that he only liked his kids once they got to ‘about 7’. Another gladly told me she didn’t like babies (having had 3)! Don’t despair just because you don’t like this phase. FWIW, I wouldn’t like being at home full time with a baby on my own either.

Honestly I felt like this in the first year, going back to work helped as it reinvented me!! I also wouldn’t cope at being a stay at home mum and I love my daughter all the world! I think it’ll get better for you when you go back and when you find more of you because although it’s work you will do that!

Going back to work was the thing that made parenting feel manageable and actually enjoyable. Very few people are actually suited to being SAHPs. I loathed maternity leave.

I felt like this until I went back to work. If I'm honest, it's only now that I'm starting to find my feet and begin to enjoy myself in motherhood and it's taken 2 years to get to this point! From the minute my daughter was born I absolutely adored her, she's my best friend ever and she is what people like to call an 'easy' baby (has always slept through, never cries, always sits nice and quiet and happy at the dinner table etc) but even so having an 'easy' baby doesn't make being a parent 'easy'. We tried for over a year to get pregnant, I waited in anticipation throughout my whole pregnancy for her to be here, I felt so connected with her and even when she got her I did feel connected to her but I also realised that I probably wasn't as maternal as I had once thought I was. I absolutely could not be a stay at home mum, I take my hats off to those who are and those who have more than one child! I struggle with my life having to revolve around her, honestly I needed more identity than 'mum'. We also moved house when my daughter was 5 months old and sometimes I sit and think about how I wish I could've experienced living in my lovely house child free and how much cleaner it would've been etc but that doesn't for a second mean I don't love my daughter or that I am not a good mum. I will miss the mess when she is all grown up I know that. I think it's a coping mechanism and sadly there's a stigma around talking about things like this otherwise I think you'd find that actually a lot of people feel the same way!

Going back to work will definitely help - you get yourself back quite a lot.

Do you have childcare to go to the gym / socialise etc? Or can you.

It’s very possible that this is either about being at home full time or finding the baby stage dull - they get less dull as they get bigger, by 7 they are good for conversation. It may also be that parenthood isn’t your natural thing full stop, but that is less likely - and it doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent / find ways to enjoy it more as they get bigger.

Don’t waste time feeling bad about it though. You feel how you feel, the thing is to manage it in a way that works for you.

I felt the same 24 years ago after having my first child. No one talked about these things then and I felt I was the only Mum who ever felt like this. Once I went back to work part-time I felt so much better and the was much more relaxed when I had a second child. It does get better honestly!

It's really tough, isn't it? Please rest assured that you are not alone! I found a lot of it both exhausting and mind numbingly boring. I loved spending time with the new mum friends I met on maternity leave but filling a day alone was hard work - no family nearby and partner worked ridiculously long hours. Childcare costs were so much larger than my salary that we could only manage the state funded hours from aged 3+. By the time I had my second, we were able to stretch to 2 days of nursery from aged 1 and then gradually more as our incomes increased. Even though we'd have been better off financially initially if I'd stayed at home, my sanity and mental health absolutely could not take it. I'd still tell people I 'had' to go back to work 'financially' because it felt awful admitting that I really didn't want to be a SAHM - it felt so taboo but I've since had so many conversations with people who felt exactly the same! Sometimes it's easier to say something looking back, rather than when you're still in the trenches. Work gives me my sense of self and positively challenges me, as well as providing plenty of adult conversation. I also have the option to take a day off work and do something else for myself because that childcare is now in place. I also infinitely prefer the toddler and up ages to the baby stage. Life is still a juggle but there is so much more balance now - please hang in there.

Do you get enough time to yourself? Does your DP do enough? If there some way you could give yourself a break?