Unpleasant and rude ds7 - help please

[Fairydustandsparklylights]

I’m really struggling with how unpleasant ds7 is to be around. I have been waiting and hoping for the phase to pass but this has been going on for years. I’m now starting to think it’s just him and I’m trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong and how to fix it. Constructive advice will be most welcome.

I have 2dc, ds7 and ds4. Ds7 has always been impulsive and a bit wild, since he was a baby. I’ve suspected adhd for a while but school think his behaviour is a choice as opposed to anything else. Every single time he opens his mouth, he is unpleasant, rude and just foul. To us, his parents but mainly directed at ds4. It’s as if it is his default. It’s his words and also his tone. He talks to his friends the same way.

I try so hard to be positive and praise the good behaviour but after yet another day of his general poor attitude and rudeness, I’m at my wits end. I’m at the point that I would rather him sit in a room and watch tv all day instead of needing to interact with him. He’ll walk into a room and say something unkind to anyone who is there and laugh. He’ll walk past and push or generally annoy his brother when he is happily playing or drawing. Even when we’re doing something nice, he is rude. I’m frankly embarrassed to be in public with him. He’s impulsive and says and does things without thinking. We’ve asked him why so many times and he just says he can’t help it. We have parented all of our children the same way and it is only him like this.

We have tried positive praise, shouting, taking things away, sticker charts, pasta jars, sending him to his room, removing clubs / hobbies / toys. We are consistent and positive. We explain why it’s not okay and try and help him be better. Nothing seems to work as he just doesn’t seem to care about any consequences. He moans and whinges all the time and is just generally ungrateful. Nothing is ever enough and he always wants more. When we see fleeting glimpses of kindness, it makes me so happy. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a point that I don’t enjoy his company but I keep persevering with doing things one to one in the hope that someday, it will click. How do you change someone’s way of thinking and what comes out of their mouth? It’s literally every single time he says something.

Please help with ideas on how to make things better.

It sounds like ADHD. I think school are not being helpful.

This sounds tough OP, and beyond the 'normal 7yo' boundaries too.

Short term, parent him like he has adhd. This doesn't mean no boundaries though. But allowances for trigger points and creating a routine for his days might help.

Long term, get the ball rolling on an Ed psych assessment.

School may genuinely not see the behaviour you describe, some children are incredible at masking.

My experience was that normal boundaries don’t work for ND.

Praise the good. Swerve the bad as much as you can. It just leads to more useless confrontations and meltdowns.

Does my description sound like ADHD or some other type of ND? I’ve always tried to convince myself it’s a phase, if I keep the positive praise and quality time together that it will improve. It’s not though and I’m so down about it all.

Sounds really tough.

Have you read The Explosive Child? Life changing book. I think you should read it if you haven’t. Mostly so you realise you are being fobbed off - no children chose to be consistently awful. No children chose to be angry and unlikable. No children chose to have no friends. It’s always, always due to something.

I would push harder for consideration of ND or mental health diagnosis. Could you stretch to private?

It sounds like ADHD not just behaviour.

You need an assessment.