Evening all. This will probably be long…sorry, that me! I’m after some coparenting advice. Please be kind…
Background:
Neurodiverse family.
me - diagnosed inattentive adhd
Partner - normal 😂
ex - suspected AuDHD
child 1 - diagnosed AuDHD age 13
child 2 - possibly ADHD age 10
separated about 5 years ago. Now divorced. Live in same town in separate dwellings. Care of children went to mediation as ex wanted 50/50 care but as they had never done this in the past and child 2 did not want to go there half of the time agreed 60/40 split in care. I have always done the head work, appointments etc and have to check children have what they need in terms of kit, arranging medical appointments, buying uniform etc as ex wouldn’t think of it. Regularly have to collect forgotten stuff from ex’s house for child 1.
child 2 has rapidly not wanted to go to ex’s house at all. Safeguarding was also raised by school about ex because of a disclosure from child 2. Child 2 has a history of deeply felt emotions and misinterpreting what they are told or happens to them. I am pretty sure that while the situation was handled poorly by ex in a row, and that there was no history of violence from ex, that this report while it felt real to that child was exaggerated. History of falls outs with ex and reports of them having to wake this parent to get them something to eat for breakfast or take them to school on time. Leaving them feeling unloved I think because of ex’s difficulties with executive function, reading emotions and forward planning. After 3 failed attempts to broker a return to overnights I have refused with support form school who were having to support an upset child, to engage in discussion about this until child 2 is ready to consider it again and it comes from them. Child 2 was crying to the point of gagging and hid from ex when they visited. This leaves ex hurt and they are not good at hiding it from children making them even less likely to see them as it comes out as a guilt trip.
I am fairly happy with the current situation with child 2 and that we are acting in their best interests. They are less anxious, less clingy and making great strides in confidence and independence since this happened. I have to tell ex how it’s going to be, otherwise I am told ‘I don’t agree’ and ex thinks that’s the end of discussion.
child 1 has remained in their routine of 60/40 but in an unprecedented telling of feelings said they wanted to reduce contact, so I have given them various options of how it could look and they have opted for 1 day a week and one weekend a month. Child 2 often acts as a mouth piece for child 1 as they often tell them more about their thoughts and feelings during their chatter. I have been told that ex gets angry when child 1 wants to stay more with me and child 1 has recently told me that ‘I don’t know why I visit ‘ex’. I don’t like going there’. I responded with ‘because they’re your parent.’
if I say child 1 is going to ex’s for the weekend, there’s an ‘oh’ and a grimace. If I confirm they’re with me, ‘oh good’.
I may be overthinking which is why I’m asking for advice. As child 1 has difficulties communicating feelings I don’t want to brush off what they say and am now wondering whether I’m pushing visiting so that in my ex’s eyes I am seen to be trying, and don’t become ‘that parent’ who takes their children away as they predicted. I feel a lot of guilt, always want to do the right thing by the kids and their other parent, and ex has always used that, possibly as a means of control.
My ‘new’ partner is fun, we are a happy unit, the kids adore partner too. Partner is thoughtful with them, there’s no shouting which dysregulates them and we gee them along to get to school without tempers being raised or running late. I get the impression and also from my own experience that at ex’s, it’s not like that there. Leading to both children becoming dysregulated more frequently. I used to act as a buffer when we were together I realise.
I probably have answered my own question that I need to try and talk to child 1 about what they want. I don’t think ex copes very well with them, but doesn’t see/understand it. Societal and even court pressure to have shared care also plays on my mind. It will be perceived as being my fault I expect by ex. Or should I put my foot down and just say they can’t stay over night as well? There are a few red flags I think - But I possibly need your guidance on that too as don’t always trust my own judgement or have courage for conflict, causing pain to ex. But will if I have too.
The ex also has mental health problems (as did I, but my adhd is now medicated and I’m coping with the juggle much better since). Ex did have suicidal ideation, so my guilt is real if this tips them over the edge. Thanks for reading.