WWYD - child's friend (5yo) hit me

[anonissue]

NC for this one. And wondering if a non issue hence new username.

My DD is 5, her friend of 2.5 years who just turned 5 herself was back at ours for a play date after school a few days ago (without parent for first couple of hours). As mentioned we have known them a while and met through local preschool, so we are friends with the parents as much as the kids are friends.

At one point the child came back from bathroom or something and just came up to me and hit me hard (obviously not that painful given she's 5, thankfully). I said no, do not hit, and she laughed and did it again, hard. I said please do not hit, it is not allowed and she just laughed and said yes it is, so I said we do not hit in my house, she came back with "we can in mine".

I don't believe that she is being hit by her parents, so I'm not concerned there, she is a very lively child and can be overenthusiastic with high fives etc. I just wonder whether to say nothing unless this happens again, although I would 100% want to know if my child did that! I just can't imagine having that conversation. WWYD?!

This is a tough one as you obviously don't want to upset the child or the parents but I could keep reiterating that hitting is not acceptable in your house, don't make light of it but don't be too harsh about it either. It will probably be a short lived phase.

I would have called her parent there and then and said what had happened with the expectation that she would be going home immediately.

I would have been quite cross in my initial 'do not hit me' tone and with the second one I would have been clear that I would be calling her parents and she would be going home.

If her parents were anything but apologetic I would be discouraging my child from playing with her.

If it's 'okay at her home' then she can stay at home and play hitting games with her parents.

I very much doubt it is tolerated at school.

*would not could

5 year olds can feel very overwhelmed on a playdate without their parents and can do silly things. I would make it very clear that we DO NOT have hitting in our house and explain that if she does it again you will have to ask her mum to collect her.

If everything else is ok I'd let it go this time. If she comes another day and the same thing happens I might mention it to her mum just to nip it in the bud.

You have to tell them. No they won’t be happy because they’ll be worried and embarrassed, but they need to know. (If they react any other way they’re not great).

I once rang a mum to tell her her son had been a bit mean (not just a bit, he called another kid a really mean name and told everyone they should run off on him) and she eased contact with us. I felt she needed to know and she apologised but she definitely avoided us from then on and I don’t think it was embarrassment, I honestly think she thought I was, I don’t know, lying or making too big a deal or something. Told the other child’s mum that there had been a bit of meanness to her kid but he’d had a good time in the end (my son and him helped dh making pizza and my older son taught him and some other boys a card trick) and hilariously (but not really), she stopped him coming over too. (A warning for people who ever want to have class parties in their house!!!)

Yep.this would be my line too.
at 5 a child shouldn’t be hitting adults randomly.
if the parents are wet weeks and think this is fine I’d be cutting them out.
my DD can make other friends / have other play dates.

now I have a baby and toddler in tow I don’t have time for friends that aren’t net contributors

stayathomer It's too bad that happened- I would have found that difficult. Did you tell the parents exactly what was said and done? I think precise information is helpful for the parents. If someone told me my child had been a bit mean, I would want to know exactly what happened, and the same if someone was a bit mean to my kid: who said what to him, etc.

I don't think I would mention one incident of hitting to parents, just firmly say no to the child, and let her know it was really not a joke. If it happened repeatedly, I would say something to the parents, but it would be face to face, and I would think carefully about how I told them, trying to make it clear that I don't think this is a huge deal or a reflection on the character of the child or the quality of their parenting.

At one point the child came back from bathroom or something and just came up to me and hit me hard (obviously not that painful given she's 5, thankfully). I said no, do not hit, and she laughed and did it again, hard. I said please do not hit, it is not allowed and she just laughed and said yes it is, so I said we do not hit in my house, she came back with "we can in mine".

I don’t think I’d have been saying ‘please do not hit, it is not allowed’, the 2nd time I was walloped! It would have been along the lines of ‘right, if you do that again, I shall call your Mum and ask her to take you home’ with a stern voice and face! And I would have done it, if necessary (although I know she didn’t hit a 3rd time), saying to the Mum that I thought the child was overtired/overexcited as she had started hitting me. Boundaries, op. All 5yr olds need them!

I’d have been tempted to send her home. It would have been easier if it was your daughter she hit

After the second time I would have sent her straight home. She would not be welcome back until she 1) apologized and 2) understands that hitting is not acceptable

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Wish I had asked at the time! I feel well equipped to deal with anything similar (hopefully not though!) in future.

I’d maybe mention it, we’ve had to discourage rough play between my dp and dc’s because they thought it was okay to start “fighting” with people and had told a family member it was okay to hit people “ we hit daddy all the time” is what my oldest said. It might be a similar occurrence.

was it playful? could have been affectionate, especially if roughhousing is a way of showing affection at home

I would have been much sterner. 'We don't hit' is something you say to a 2 year old. A 5 year old knows full well it's absolutely not acceptable. I would have reacted with an 'What on earth do you think you're doing?!' hard eye contact 'Don't you ever do that again.' and if she'd done it again I would have ended the playdate immediately.

Exactly this!

I knew/know a boy who behaved like this at that age (and would laugh whenever he hit someone). He was horrible then, and he's still horrible now, 20 years later (just like his mother).

I have a similar friendship where I'm good friends with the parents and our DDs are good friends.

I would want to tell my friend that her DD had done this because I know my friend would want to know about it. It's quite significant bad behaviour and needs nipping in the bud. If she does that at school she'll be in all manner of trouble.

As a parent I'd want to know if my DD had done this so that I could make absolutely sure she was in no doubt that she must never do it again.

There's often quite a bit of cheeky behaviour on playdates and pushing boundaries a bit but calculated hitting like this is well outside that and needs dealing with.

Children often act out or are a bit silly on playdates, so I tend to give them quite a lot of leeway - it's often a somewhat strange and bewildering environment for them.

I wouldn't have ignored the behaviour but would have given a firm, 'we don't hit in this house" and then would have tried to distract. If the hitting continued, I'd have said with a sad face, "unfortunately you're going to have to go home X, if you hit again, became we don't do that here". Not angry, just matter-of-fact. And then followed through.

I'd definitely tell the parent though - I'd want to know. Playdates are fun, yes, but they're also important tools for children to learn social skills and how to behave without their parents there, so I actually think it's quite useful when playdate parents "report" back and you can discuss any poor behaviour with your child.

“We don’t hit?” No wonder she didn’t take you seriously and did it again.
I’d be embarrassed if my child behaved like this and I would definitely want to know about it. It’s absolutely not acceptable, and there is no guarantee that she won’t do this to other children if she thinks it’s funny.

I suspect, from the way you describe it, that maybe it’s a game they play at home that because she feels she knows you and is only 5 & doesn’t understand, she has tried to play with you. I had to explain to my autistic child that just because it’s okay to come and tickle family members (Granny’s game) doesn’t make it okay to do that with other people.

I think I would have called the parents.

It's hard to know if she is just seeing what she can get away with or if she really does get away with it at home. You have had the conversation with her now, I personally would see if it happens again and if it does speak to the parents. I agree with you that if it was my child I would personally want to know but only you will know if they would also want to know or if they may take it the wrong way. If there is a chance they might then I would see what happens next time

“If you hit me again, I’ll have to call your Mummy to come and take you home, because we do not hit people in this house.”

Then follow through if she does.

The parents need to know because this is not typical behaviour from a 5 year old and hitting must always be addressed. Hitting someone and laughing is something my one year old does and he knows he is doing wrong but is testing boundaries but it’s quite common to see such behaviour in a one year old.
If the parents try to make excuses or shrug it off then you know the child isn’t being brought up with the boundaries needed to teach the child right from wrong and that there are consequences to behaviour.

I think you’ve had some very harsh advice so far. As another poster has said, kids can be quite out of sorts on play dates without their parents. My 5 yo had a little home birthday party recently. 1 of the kids was resistant to me stopping her waving a toy mop around. I firmly asked her to put it down a couple of times and she laughed at me and kept swinging it around. It then hit another child. In the end I took it off of her and distracted her with a game. I didn’t say anything to mum when she collected, because what would be the point? Kid acts like a kid and makes a poor choice. They all do it. If she comes around and does it again, maybe you casually mention “little Lucy was a bit handsy today, hitting a couple of times, she’s done that before when she’s been here, so I just wanted to mention in case that’s something that’s come up before”.

I think this is an over reaction. Five year olds can get very silly - especially when excited. They have only been on the planet 5 years and can cross the boundaries of acceptable behaviour quickly

You should have said ‘we don’t do that here. If you carry on you can’t come again’

My eldest is 28 this summer and I’ve seen all sorts of bat shit behaviour on play dates.

I had one once where a child tried to through a wooden rocking horse through my TV. I did tell him off for that and also told his dad when his dad picked him up. He was crying his eyes out because he didn’t want to go home .. ( never had him back 😬😬)