Earlier in the year, me and my ex had a gorgeous baby girl. I had moved in with my ex, her home, and sacrificed everything to be with her. As she wouldnt allow a lot of my stuff in her tiny house. I set up roots in a new area and fell for this woman in a huge way. She was riddled with issues, insecurities, emotions, trust. The relationship was difficult at times, but I worshipped her, never fallen in love with someone so hard, I literally adored my ex. Physical attraction was limited, I never truly fancied her, but the connection was enough. I had secretly stayed in touch early on with 2 friends (she encouraged I disconnect from friends and I pandered) both friends advised me this woman was a huge toxic red flag.
Fast forward, I'm isolated, at the mercy of "her" home, her "car" no friends dont know the area, and have little. She controlled and manipulated our relationship, and would go to extreme measures to elevate herself, she was a nightmare, I left several times. She was self obscessed, selfish and pure toxic. Mid way she wanted a baby, she always did, we was going through a good period, and I sadly agreed, we tried, and she got caught fast. We broke up for a week in January due to an issue she had with one of my other children an 8 year old, was the final straw. We got back together after a week.
Things settled, I did everything for her, supported the pregnancy and supported her in hospital. Cut the cord, was a proud Dad. After 1 week home with baby, my ex turned, she asked me to leave several times, I packed my stuff but pleaded we try fix us, there was no interest. Final day she told me to go, so I left. I didnt want too. She didnt want me to go. We likely both thought within a few days we'd sort us and be back together. We argued in the following days and hurt each other deeply. Creating a barrier for reconciliation. She used baby as a weapon, restricting access, acting in ways to make me jelous, question things, and was, and is as awkward as possible. She's acting like I never existed, hasnt asked where I am, or how I am. She ignores all comms except access related.
I rented a room in the area to be around, but shes told me over and over to go away, leave tge area. She wants no support, no access. She's allowed 2 hours, every other weekend. She's moved on with her life so fast, and is not the woman I thought she was. Mentally this has broke me. I've lost my job and being forced to give up my lease costing me £2000, and relocating back to hometown. I serve no purpose there.
Interacting with her is draining, when I see her I want her back, and ask, she thrives on this and mocks it, spits in my face verbally, no interest. She has everything, money, house, car, family, baby, just as she wanted. I have nothing. Going on access is crippling me mentally, its hard, and my baby doesnt know me. Mother wont even let me take her on my own, she insists being there. My plans to get settled then absolutely crush her in court, I have previous gfs whom I have kids with who have offered to support me, spoke to solicitors, and been advised she has no leg to stand on. She's not aware, but court is happening as soon as funds permit. The area causes severe anxiety, as its her world, I've rarely been there and quit my job due to sickness.
I feel like stepping back, move away, and totally go no contact then come back with a court order, this could take upto a year. But dealing with her now is seriously making me ill. Since the split I've lost 15lbs, not eating or sleeping and having panic attacks. I'm room searching, job hunting, its all too much. Is it wrong to cut them both out completely while I heal?