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Parenting

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How to get 12yo DD to open up?

12 replies

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 17:54

Hi all
My daughter is in Y7, on the face of it doing well and enjoying school. However, she doesn’t ever tell us anything that’s going on in her life. Everything is always ‘good’ and ‘fine’ even though she has shown some signs of distress recently. She has started to be sensitive to noise but this is a completely new thing only in the last few weeks, and seems to be very selective eg when in a busy shopping centre buying clothes she is fine, but when being dragged round a museum ‘it’s too noisy’ with hands over ears etc.

worryingly, after an argument with my husband a few weeks ago, she told him that one day recently she came home from school and thought she wanted to kill herself because she’d had a bad day. She took a knife down from the rack and sat with it for a while but I think this scared her and she just put it back. She didn’t mention this at the time. However all she will tell us is that ‘school is too noisy and stressful’. She won’t let us speak to her teachers, saying she will do this herself, but hasn’t done.

I don’t think she has a serious mental health problem as most of the time she is totally fine. But I am worried about the fact that she refuses to talk to us, cannot express her feelings, and only ever says that she’s ‘fine’. We’ve talked a lot about how talking about emotions is important etc etc. but she just says that the things going on for her at school are private and she doesn’t want us to know. We said that we are happy to respect her privacy but if things are happening that make her want to kill herself then we need to know about them to keep her safe.

I worry that as she gets older and starts to run into more serious problems she won’t tell us anything. She has form for lying/covering her tracks ever since she was a toddler. What can I do? We try and make time for her one on one, take her out in the car, try to engage her in conversation etc
thanks in advance

OP posts:
Solgrass · 23/04/2024 19:04

Car journeys.

Go to a supermarket a bit further away and you don’t usually go to but ‘want to try’ on the weekend to do a ‘big shop’. No deliveries/ picking but up during the weekend.

Take her along with you and just chat about general stuff, what you’ve been up to etc.
Try and find ways to get out in the car with her.

Also she doesn’t have to open up to just you - sometimes going round to a grandparents or aunts after school on their own can be good to talk to someone else. I told my granny way more than I did my parents, when I used to go round and visit on my own

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 19:52

Thank you. I have tried this although not long distances. She just says everything is fine. Just read a thread about a 16yo DD leaving positive pregnancy tests lying about but keeps saying she’s not pregnant and I worry that’s where we’ll end up (or similar)
no family nearby sadly. I never used to talk to my mum either. But then again my mum wasn’t interested in me. Maybe that’s how she feels?

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Paddingtonthebear · 23/04/2024 19:57

I know this is cliche but have you considered possible autism?

Itsbeenabadday · 23/04/2024 20:00

Is she on any medication at all? The contraceptive pill, acne treatment, antihistamines etc? Any of the above plus more can play havoc with anxiety, mood swings or depression x

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:00

Paddingtonthebear · 23/04/2024 19:57

I know this is cliche but have you considered possible autism?

I have, but my husband works in that field and is certain she doesn’t have ASD

OP posts:
justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:02

Itsbeenabadday · 23/04/2024 20:00

Is she on any medication at all? The contraceptive pill, acne treatment, antihistamines etc? Any of the above plus more can play havoc with anxiety, mood swings or depression x

She takes montelukast for asthma, funnily enough I was reading about it recently saying it can affect mood. Her mood seems fine most of the time though - think it’s just school/friendship stuff

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MotherOfRatios · 23/04/2024 20:05

Also, it's worth considering about how you just speak about general topics on the whole I very rarely opened up to my mum about things because I would hear the comments she made about typical taboo topics and think I don't want to open up

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:06

MotherOfRatios · 23/04/2024 20:05

Also, it's worth considering about how you just speak about general topics on the whole I very rarely opened up to my mum about things because I would hear the comments she made about typical taboo topics and think I don't want to open up

This is helpful. I don’t think I’m like this? Can you give an example of what you mean?

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livelovelough24 · 23/04/2024 20:06

Oh, OP, my heart is with you right now. I know exactly what you mean. I had similar issues with my older daughter and at about the same age. I remember when I asked my GP what he thought I should do, he said I should give her space as that is what they crave at this age, but not to leave her alone entirely. While they need to have space of their own, they need to know that we got their back and care about them.

Go to her room and knock on her door, "inquire" about her well being, let her know you loved her and are there for her and then just walk away. Eventually, my daughter did open up. I am not saying this is happening to your daughter, but my did end up having all sorts of mental health issues on top of academic, social etc.

These days, while she is still struggling as a young adult to find her place in this world, we are each other's best friends. I wish you all the best OP and good luck.

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:08

livelovelough24 · 23/04/2024 20:06

Oh, OP, my heart is with you right now. I know exactly what you mean. I had similar issues with my older daughter and at about the same age. I remember when I asked my GP what he thought I should do, he said I should give her space as that is what they crave at this age, but not to leave her alone entirely. While they need to have space of their own, they need to know that we got their back and care about them.

Go to her room and knock on her door, "inquire" about her well being, let her know you loved her and are there for her and then just walk away. Eventually, my daughter did open up. I am not saying this is happening to your daughter, but my did end up having all sorts of mental health issues on top of academic, social etc.

These days, while she is still struggling as a young adult to find her place in this world, we are each other's best friends. I wish you all the best OP and good luck.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 23/04/2024 20:53

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:06

This is helpful. I don’t think I’m like this? Can you give an example of what you mean?

Like the different comments like you know when you're with someone and then like I don't know why that girl is wearing those really short shorts/skirts or doesn't her make-up look horrible that type of judgement about other people as a teenager sometimes it makes you think if I open it will my mum judge me.

I'm mid 20s and I still don't really open up to my mum

justabigdisco · 23/04/2024 20:58

Thank you. Yeah my mum was like that (and still is). Always passing comment on other people. I’ve been careful never to do that for the reason you describe!

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