DD (2.5) suddenly hates going to nursery 🙁

[Haveli]

Feeling heartbroken right now after a really horrible nursery drop off this morning where she was in bits that I was leaving. It got to the point where I had to go and sit back in the car with her for a cuddle until she'd calmed down enough to go in. Even then she looked utterly distraught.

She has been at this nursery for around 18 months and apart from a few tears when she very first started, we've had no problems. In fact up until just over a month or so she was practically skipping in, I barely even got a goodbye!

Last month she was very poorly (in hospital) and was off for a couple of weeks, but seemed to transition back into it OK for the first day or so, but then it all changed and she's been upset for weeks.

I've asked her why and she just says she wants to stay with mummy and daddy/stay at home, and she's said on one occasion that nursery is too loud. I've tried my best to reassure her but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I just don't know what to do to make it better for her 😕 does anyone have any advice? Thanks

What are the nursery staff saying? Is she ok the minute you leave? Or how does she look when you’re collecting her, is she still distressed?

If I’m honest, going back to the car calming her down, then trying again, is likely doing more harm than good. She is learning that if she cries, you’ll stay with her for longer but she knows you’re still going to leave her and that isn’t what she wants so she will get upset the minute you try to go. It becomes a cycle that you’re going to struggle to break. If nursery are saying that she’s fine in nursery and it’s just drop offs, you’re going to have to be tough and do quick fast drop offs until she’s more settled. If she’s upset throughout the day in nursery or if she’s running to you at pick up and bursting into tears like she’s been through hell all day, I’d say it’s time for a new nursery.

I agree with pp, if she's generally OK whilst she's there, I'd try and be firmer/quicker with drop offs. Talk about all the positives of what she'll do at nursery.

So so horrible for you but also very normal! Both mine had stages of being completely fine then all of a sudden clingy at drop off.
As long as you're happy there's no specific reason she's upset (talk to staff to check how she is through the day) the best thing you can do it get it all done quickly and no nonsense- don't take ages to say goodbye, don't take her away and then back again. It seems mean at the time but it's for the best

It awful but it's really common, especially after the disruption to routine she had. You need to steel yourself and be brisk and cheery to take her in, give her a quick cuddle and leave. Make sure nursery know someone needs to be ready to take her from you, no dithering. Hanging around is highly unlikely to make it any better and can reinforce to her that there is something to be worried about. Call nursery after 10 mins to check she's okay (she probably will be). And trust they will call you if she's not. It is just a phase, we've been through it a few times and it is horrid but does get better.

Also, do lots of chat at home about days of the week, which days are nursery days, remind her the night before it's nursery the next day and talk about all the lovely things she'll do and who she'll see while you get her ready in the morning, to cue her in so it's not a surprise. Ask her questions about what she think she'll do today etc and who will be there.

Thank you for the comments, I appreciate it.

Nursery have said she often stays a little emotional for a while after I've gone but then she is okay the rest of the day. I could see her through the window when I picked her up this afternoon, making silly faces and giggling with her friends.

I usually do try to do the 'swift' drop off but this morning just felt different somehow, like I couldn't just leave her in that state. But maybe I am just making it worse 🙁

We had this with DS at the same age and I never got to the bottom of it. I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time (I nearly brought my maternity leave forward because of it.)

I am sure she isn’t doing it for any other reason than wanting to stay with you. What did find worked a bit with DS was suggesting he stayed for a bit then if he wasn’t happy telling his key worker and I’d come and get him. (In practice that would have been difficult but I chanced it!) I still use that technique if he’s claiming he doesn’t want to go somewhere I know he likes really!

One of mine started to scream blue murder after a bout of sickness. My heart used to break leaving him in a state. Nursery reassured me that he was fine and told me to hide round the corner and listen.

Took him 15 seconds to switch from screaming to playing happily without a care in the world. Little hooligan.

As your nursery are saying she’s ok, maybe try that and see how long she’s upset when she doesn’t know you’re there?

I used to get this after a period of absence or holidays it soon goes away , not all kids get it one of my sons did , you just have to carry on .

Ah we had the exact same - horrific for 2 weeks and we were hating life but then just like that she was fine again. I think just carry on, don’t give the resistance too much attention and she’ll realise it’s fine and she comes home after. Ours was also a bit sad for maybe 30 mins and then having a good time. It’s partly them testing to see what they can control / what ck sequence their actions had. Hang in there

Thank you, it's reassuring that other little ones have gone through similar and come out the otherside.

I do try and talk about it with her, they have this weekly planner thing where they do different themed weeks so I will chat to her about what books she might read, what she might get to paint etc. She has little friends that she talks about all the time and we've had play dates with that she's always been really excited about. She's also told me the food at nursery is more yummy than mine! So I feel like there shouldn't be this issue 😕

@SErunner thank you, I'm going to be repeating 'brisk and cheery, brisk and cheery' to myself tomorrow when I drop her off !

The staff should really be more encouraging, seems like maybe a new smaller nursery could be a good idea. Just a suggestion, i know how hard it can be to find a new one that suits you and your child.

I have considered whether it's the nursery itself but to be honest the staff are great, really patient with her and always phone to give me updates. Also don't want to unsettle her more by moving her 😪plus I know she loves her little friends as she talks about them all the time. Drop off was horrible again today, I tried to keep it short and sweet but my heart was breaking as I walked away.

I'm not sure this is fair. Most of them go through these phases, it's not a reflection on the nursery and moving her could just cause more distress. OP I would give it a few weeks and see how you go. 'Brisk and cheery' 😂

I would say it is perfectly normal after a period of being with mummy and daddy. My DC was the same after Covid lockdown. The first day back they literally had to be dragged off me by a staff member. It didn't help that they had moved to a different room so if lockdown had not happened they would have had the proper transition period. In this instance they had to get used to new staff and a new room as well as adjusting to being back after 5 months out. Luckily the staff were fab and emailed me with updates and photos.

It's a special skill to be able to wave and keep smiling when they're bawling their eyes out - solidarity, it is tough but it will get better. Other option is could your OH do some drop offs for a bit? Our daughter is much better when it's not me doing the handover.