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Original poster

How do i explain why my daughters dad is not involved in her life

15 replies

Laurenannie · 22/04/2024 23:05

Hi, im new to the site, please no judgement.

My daughter’s dad is not a part of her life. He unfortunately isn't stable for many reasons. He was not present during the pregnancy and I tried for the first year to get him to be present in her life only of him to show he would only ever be in and out of her life inconsistently. I do not want him to be a part of her life in fear of the damage it could cause her later in life. (Id like to add he never attempts to reach out ask how she is or if he can see her). Shes almost three and I know there may come a day where she has questions about him or why his not around. I guess what I'm asking is how is it best to explain to her why without her feeling inadequate or blaming me for her fathers poor choices.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 22/04/2024 23:08

Tell her the truth in an age appropriate manner.

Also tell her she is loved by you and her father.

Revelatio · 22/04/2024 23:11

I think you need to speak to a professional. You need to be confident with your choices and it doesn’t sound like you are if you are second guessing things. As you’ve been vague, and the people on here aren’t generally professional mental health professionals, you’d be best to speak to someone who has the means to properly help you.

ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:20

Nothing much can stop him seeing her should the DNA test be positive, an injunction may work for a while, but even maximum security prisoners have rights. He'll soon manipulate her into servitude while she remains naive and you'll naturally be incapable of doing the same, especially after you discover a new partner and a better way of life. You can always pay someone to lie about it all.

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Families
fourelementary · 22/04/2024 23:24

Guavafish1 · 22/04/2024 23:08

Tell her the truth in an age appropriate manner.

Also tell her she is loved by you and her father.

Why would she say that? Her father doesn’t love her… why lie?

@Laurenannie simple truths- some people have a mummy and a daddy. Some people don’t. You have a father who helped mummy to make you, but we don’t know him now. She won’t probably care and as she gets older and asks questions you are allowed to say you don’t know as you can’t answer for him. Be honest though and don’t “Disney dad” him or make up shit like pp suggested

fourelementary · 22/04/2024 23:36

ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:20

Nothing much can stop him seeing her should the DNA test be positive, an injunction may work for a while, but even maximum security prisoners have rights. He'll soon manipulate her into servitude while she remains naive and you'll naturally be incapable of doing the same, especially after you discover a new partner and a better way of life. You can always pay someone to lie about it all.

Whose post are you replying to as she says nothing about DNA tests or injunctions?

ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:39

She says she does want him to be part of her life, that's usually unrealistic without an injunction or DNA test to prove he's not the biological father.

Original poster
Laurenannie · 22/04/2024 23:41

ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:20

Nothing much can stop him seeing her should the DNA test be positive, an injunction may work for a while, but even maximum security prisoners have rights. He'll soon manipulate her into servitude while she remains naive and you'll naturally be incapable of doing the same, especially after you discover a new partner and a better way of life. You can always pay someone to lie about it all.

He is her dad and she has an active relationship with his family. He makes zero effort to speak to me regarding her or make any attempts to see her. I wasn’t asking about keeping him away if he were to make an effort, be consistent I of course would more than want him to be a part of her life but he doesn’t. I was asking more of what can I tell her when she does ask about him as she gets older

OP posts:
ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:47

He has a duty to pay you maintenance for the child and share responsibilities, you cannot be expected to raise the child alone. That's a much more serious issue, what you're describing , so you would need
professional legal advice.

MellowMelly · 23/04/2024 00:00

We explained it like this and it was with a little help from my friend who specialises in therapy for children…
‘He couldn’t give you what you needed such as the care and the love to grow in life and be the best person you can be. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it’s just he couldn't give you enough like Mummy does’.

She is 8 now and we talk about him when she asks and occasionally in other conversations. This works for her though and each situation is different and you know your daughter, emotionally, the best. It’s a hard situation to navigate but my daughter and I both stick to the same sort of story as I have written above, so it’s consistent and not too negative. It’s always about damage limitation sadly.

catherinewales · 23/04/2024 00:17

I am early 40s. I know nothing about my father and I don't want to know anything. I don't know when he left, I don't know if he ever seen me as a baby, I don't know his name. I only know that he knows who I am and he has seen and spoken to me but I don't know when or how. I don't know if me and my sister have the same father. She knows I don't. I wouldn't waste time worrying. I say deal with it when the little one asks. My mum always told us if we want to know she'll tell us but I've never asked 1 question about him. He's not even on my bc.

Original poster
Laurenannie · 23/04/2024 00:17

MellowMelly · 23/04/2024 00:00

We explained it like this and it was with a little help from my friend who specialises in therapy for children…
‘He couldn’t give you what you needed such as the care and the love to grow in life and be the best person you can be. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it’s just he couldn't give you enough like Mummy does’.

She is 8 now and we talk about him when she asks and occasionally in other conversations. This works for her though and each situation is different and you know your daughter, emotionally, the best. It’s a hard situation to navigate but my daughter and I both stick to the same sort of story as I have written above, so it’s consistent and not too negative. It’s always about damage limitation sadly.

Thank you this was really what i was looking for. If you dont mind me asking what age did she notice or start asking questions or did you tell her first?

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 23/04/2024 07:34

@Laurenannie She started asking more at about 5years old. It was other children talking about their Daddies in the school playground. It hasn’t been too intense yet with questions but we just stick to the above script and variants of it. So far so good :)

BodyKeepingScore · 23/04/2024 07:44

ToBeTheBestYouCan · 22/04/2024 23:20

Nothing much can stop him seeing her should the DNA test be positive, an injunction may work for a while, but even maximum security prisoners have rights. He'll soon manipulate her into servitude while she remains naive and you'll naturally be incapable of doing the same, especially after you discover a new partner and a better way of life. You can always pay someone to lie about it all.

What? This doesn't make any sense in the context of OPs post?

BertieBotts · 23/04/2024 07:47

I told my son that it's hard to be a parent and it's important to make sure you're looking after the child properly and being safe. His dad wasn't ready to do that and that's why he doesn't see him. I didn't explain whether it was my decision or my ex's (it was his) he has never really questioned it. He's 15 now and seems ok with it? I've always told him I'll answer any questions that he has, he had a few when he was younger but nothing for ages now.

Original poster
Laurenannie · 23/04/2024 11:05

BertieBotts · 23/04/2024 07:47

I told my son that it's hard to be a parent and it's important to make sure you're looking after the child properly and being safe. His dad wasn't ready to do that and that's why he doesn't see him. I didn't explain whether it was my decision or my ex's (it was his) he has never really questioned it. He's 15 now and seems ok with it? I've always told him I'll answer any questions that he has, he had a few when he was younger but nothing for ages now.

Thank you this is very helpful 🫶🏼

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