I felt like the most rubbish mum at playgroup today

[eaudevie]

My ds is 2.4, very tall for his age and looks much older than he is and I'm finding it hard to deal with other people's expectations of him in terms of development and behaviour. Or my interpretation of their expectations would be more accurate.

He's not aggressive, but he is quite boisterous and tactile, not at all shy, and is always that toddler, you know, the one running around and trying things and talking and hugging other children.

I'm very shy (though I've learnt, usually, to cover it up) and can find it excruciating to deal with others if I'm in the wrong frame of mind. I took him to one of those music/play things today (as I've got this week off, usually work FT). He was fine, just his lovely self. I think he needs quite close watching as if he bumps into other little kids or snatches things (as is developmentally appropriate for a young 2 yr old), as he is so much bigger than them, then I want to be able to sort it out.

But I ended up having a flaming panic attack and having to leave three quarters of the way through as I felt everyone was judging me for being a crap mother. I'm sure they weren't, but my brain wouldn't have it.

He's just gone down for his nap, and the adrenaline from the panic attack has worn off and I'm just feeling like the worst mum in the world. You know as though he deserves someone normal, someone who can cope with bloody playgroups without ending up hyperventilating and in tears. And guilty for thinking on the way home, that my life would be easier with a quiet, introverted child, even though I wouldn't change him for anything and it was just a fleeting selfish/panic driven thought.

Writing it down makes me see that I'm thinking in black and white, absolute terms, and that's never helpful, so I will try to get it in perspective. It was only one bad experience, right? And it gets easier, and you need to face the fear and do it anyway....

oh no, I run a group and have seen mothers leaving like this in a right state
if I can head them off occasionally I can convince them that it is normal, that everyone has seen children behaving like this before and that none of us mind in the least (or if anyone does, it is tough luck and unrealistic, basically)
as long as you are not allowing him to repeatedly hurt other children without intervening to try to stop him, you are doing fine

you could maybe talk to the leader and look for reassurance that your ds's behaviour is ok by her? she may not be aware of your difficulties and might be able to change certain aspects if your son has trouble with them - eg sharing

if you really feel uncomfortable at the group could you find another? there can be a lot of difference between particular groups - one parent told me last week they tried a different group and their 1 year old kept being frowned at (by the leader!) for getting up from the circle. That's not the sort of group you need to be at, right now.

Well done for going, and sticking it out as long as you did. Your lovely son had a good time.

I don't have panic attacks but I do suffer from the kind of social anxiety that you describe, and I know what guts it takes to do these things for your son.

It will get easier, and I'm sure other mums either didn't notice or certainly didn't judge you harshly.

It's tough, isn't it, when your DC is tall and people expect the behaviour of an older child.

You feel like a rubbish mum, but in reality the fact that you made the effort to bring your ds to playgroup even though it is a difficult situation for you, means that you were probably one of the best mums there this morning.

If you aren't letting your ds away with bad behaviour, then chances are the other parents are really not judging you in any way. They probably also think you were very sensible in leaving the group today as your son was playing up, and will think you are very calm and in control.

You said he needs close watching, which makes me think you watched what he was doing and helped to interact nicely with the other children?

So Well Done You, what drives parents (and childminders) mad are parents who are oblivious to their children's behaviour. You did just the right thing.

If you look round next time you attend a group, as long as not clique-central, you'll see others who are feeling exactly the same...smile and say, He's only 2 I can't imasgine how lively he'll be when he's older, I hope I can keep up, or Keeps me fit running round after a 2 year old.

Then people will know he's only little and I bet they'll understand.

You're a better mum than me; I avoided all these places with a vengance!! My mum even took DS to Jo Jingles for me as I'm so painfully shy.

Sounds like you did fine

I have a friend who often leaves places in a hurry - her daughter is similar to how yours sounds - a bit exuberant. In my opinion she's delightful, but her mum is very concious about her upsetting other children - and she has been unfairly shouted at by other mothers for not 'controlling' her daughter, which has left her in tears and totally accentuated her own worries about these social situations. It's such a shame because she's a brilliant mum and very conscientious about watching her daughter's behaviour - much more so than I am with my son.

I'm not sure what advice to give other than don't worry too much about going out of your comfort zone - your ds has plenty of opportunity to socialise at nursery and later when he goes to school. I'm sure he just enjoys spending time with his mummy, so do whatever makes you comfortable and don't worry about it.

Second what Earthmama said- children sometimes behave badly and no parent with a hint of compassion judges the mothers' capabilities from this.
It's the parents who do nothing to intervene that get up everyones nose.