ExH getting married, DD doesn’t want to go

[QueenBing]

I separated from ExH in December 2021 after discovering he’d been having (yet another) affair. He’s marrying this woman in August and he wants DS (12) and DD (14) at the wedding. DD is vulnerable, she thinks she’s trans and she’s on the neuro pathway awaiting an autism diagnosis. She’s very bright but socially anxious in the extreme. She wanted a friend to go with her to the wedding but her friends are on holiday so it would just be DD and DS at the wedding from his side.

She feels uncomfortable going, she says it’s going to be hard watching her dad get remarried and feels she needs support so she’s not keen on going. I’ve said I won’t force her to go. The wedding is taking place over an hour away from where we live so she feels a bit out on a limb but I have said I can be around the area in case it all gets too much. She’s expressed to her dad that she feels it’s all a bit too soon but he’s laid on the emotional blackmail and said he feels like she’s kicked him in the stomach and why can’t she just support him. He’s been with OW for about 2.5 years and they’re moving in together in the next few weeks so when they get married they’ll have been together for just under 3 years but living together for 3 months.

I’m not sure how best to support her. She says she’d like to go but needs a hand hold which I totally understand, however her best friends are all out of the country at that
point. She has no family on his side and she can’t really rely on her brother to be there for her in a supportive way. She’s getting more and more anxious about it and I dread to think the state she’ll be in by the time August arrives. Any advice?

I think the best way to support her is by making it clear that she doesn’t have to go and you will support her not doing so. Her father’s response would have made all the difference but I can’t see how he can come back from that.

This is exactly what I’ve done and I’ve said I’ll support her whatever she decides. Her dad is laying on the guilt trip about her possibly not attending but I totally understand where she’s coming from. It’s a difficult situation and she just wants someone there to support her.

Her father is a colossal horrible twat. He is the one who emotionally blackmailed her, a vulnerable child, his daughter. I would be fully supporting her not going if she doesn't want to, I would also support her going no contact with him if she doesn't want to. How dare he try to manipulate her like this. Fucking arsehole choosing his new girlfriend over his daughter.

Her Dad is a cock. Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing. I am doubtful that dad's new marriage will last. Getting married after only 3 months living together. What could possibly go wrong when they actually get to know each other outside of hotel rooms...

I totally agree and I have told her she is not responsible for a grown man’s feelings. She gets on well with the other woman but they’ve only started to have any kind of relationship in the last few months because the other woman “felt judged” by my DD 🙄 He hasn’t even told me he’s getting married, he just expects the kids will be there and I only know about the wedding date - 2 days after my birthday - through DD! I don’t think he understands the conflict of emotions in his own daughter. She’ll be watching her dad marry the woman he broke up our family for and, understandably, she wants some familiar support there for her. He is indeed a colossal horrible and selfish twat.

I know this and sadly, DD is intelligent enough to also know this. Her father however is delusional and very self-centred. It’s all about him and his happiness and sod anyone else who thinks otherwise. I really feel for her. DS doesn’t really understand, he just goes with the flow, but even he’s said that while he’s happy to go he thinks it’s too soon and he’s told his dad this too.

Could you make the decision for her by saying “No! For the sake of your mental health, you are not going.”

Basically you are giving her permission not to go.

She can then blame you in a roundabout way if she needs to.

If you feel strong enough to take his flack, so be it. He’ll soon get over it with the preoccupation of living with the OW/wife.

She’s actually asked me if we can book a little holiday for my birthday so we’re away when the wedding happens, the poor thing. She’s had a very strained relationship with her dad since the split, last summer he blanked her for the first 3 weeks of the summer holidays which really hurt her. If it gets nearer the time and she still doesn’t want to go, I’m happy to take whatever flack comes my way and I’ll take the decision out of her hands. I’m sure he’s blaming me already for her feelings but I don’t care.

It was about the same age that my dd realised her dad was also a selfish man op. I thought it was actually a good thing for her to realise, because up till that point, she had been struggling with the feeling that she wasn't good enough, and that he'd chosen his new gf over her. That made her feel inadequate. So actually finally realising that it's his inadequacies, not hers, has helped her enormously. It's taken a while, and lots of tears to get here, but now at nearly 16 she's emerged strong. Your dd will too.
I like the idea above of making the decision for her, she may well be relieved. You can tell her you will tell her dad, and it was your decision, so that he can't blackmail her.

My DD is well aware that her dad is selfish and a very flawed character but she still loves him so I totally get the conflict she’s feeling. She just wants to be seen and have her feelings acknowledged. I think I will have to take the decision out of her hands if she’s still feeling like this nearer the time.

The fucker blanked her for three weeks?

What an immature knob and so is OW for the "felt judged" comment. Tough tits/truth hurts/reap what you sow.

Let DD blank her dad for three weeks for the wedding too.

Yep, 3 weeks. He’d got engaged to OW after less than a year together and not living together, DD found an Amazon delivery note in his car addressed “to my fiancé”. She confronted him about it, he tried to lie, then he admitted it. She wrote him a letter explaining how she felt let down and didn’t appreciate being lied to, he said he didn’t like the tone of her letter and then radio silence for 3 weeks whilst still taking her brother out and sending him home with sweets and treats. Nothing for her. He’s an absolute dick.

I think you are doing the right thing in supporting her not to go if she doesn't want to.

My dad got remarried a year after my parents split, I was 18 at the time and really didn't want to go. I ended up going with a few friends from uni and found it all really emotional particularly the speeches!! I ended up having a little cry in the toilets and ringing my mum to pick me up. My step mum has never forgiven me and brings it up every time I see her!! I'm 40 now!

Parents remarrying can be really tough.

@QueenBing - your last update is shocking. Your DD sounds ten times more mature than her father.

He's an absolute dick. I'd support her in not going to his wedding too.

Book a holiday for two weeks, with the wedding slap in the middle. You don't officially know he is getting married, so it will be purely an unfortunate coincidence at this stage. At 14, she is plenty old enough for her wishes to be taken into account.

I was going to suggest booking a holiday.

ExDick doesn't need to know it was arranged after the fact.😉😁

Be clear with your DD - make sure she knows that it is HER choice and no one else's.

The OP was from last April with the wedding in August. So its been and gone.

I thought I’d update after the recent comments! DD ended up going to the wedding after all and she had a decent time. By the sounds of it there weren’t many guests and she did a reading at the ceremony.
Since the wedding things have been up and down with DD and exDH but she’s coping well. As he’s now settled and living with his wife, they’ve asked if DS and DD can go to stay more often. DS is keen (it would be a Friday and Saturday night every 3rd week) but DD less so. She’s allergic to their dog and she has asthma so it’s not particularly pleasant for her and we haven’t yet found an effective antihistamine. But things are ok!

I take it your DD has a plus one invite if she could take a friend, so you go. Wish his new wife good luck she will need it. I'd go and smile all the way through service knowing I was free from the cheat.

13/14 is the age they realise everything and start standing up for themselves!