Me and hubby have different parenting styles and it’s ruining us

[BujiAndBells]

My husband and I are 12 years apart. He is 51 and I’m 39.

We started going to couples counselling for other issues and it’s been clear in these meetings that our parenting styles are so wildly different.

my husband will let our son (6) stay up late, no consequences for anything, wont cook a meal unless it’s chicken nuggets or toast. He’s already told our son that he (my husband)is the parent and I’m just the play mate. He sees playing as the mums responsibility. So he only gets involved when he wants to. It’s all on his terms. He’s never taken our son out for the day. Maybe three times to the park in his life. Although I have put my foot down on all the clubs and said he has to start doing swimming, I can’t do it all.

I on the other hand will talk with our son, guide him, play with him etc.

Today my brother came round and when he was leaving he said goodbye to our son. Son said nothing and kept staring at his computer screen. My brother kept standing there saying goodbye waiting for a response.

I came in the room and asked our son to behave properly and say goodbye nicely. Which he did.

After my brother left I had a word with our son and said I expect him to say hello and goodbye to people that come especially when it’s his uncle.

My husband has had a go at me, in front of our son, saying I need to have a word with my brother for hanging around waiting for our son to say goodbye and should have left it because he’s a child! I said but if you don’t I Instill good behaviour now it won’t be second nature when he’s older.

He’s got a real bee in his bonnet over it and is demanding I either speak with my brother now or next time he’s going to have it out with him.

I think my husband is being ridiculous and i said he needs to be the parent here like he keeps saying he is and accepting rudeness shouldn’t be allowed.

am in being overly strict by insisting on my son saying goodbye?

I would consider my marriage more than my way of parenting if I was in your shoes.

I don't really understand, your DH is insisting he's the primary parent and you're less of a parent? But he doesn't take him to clubs, out for days or teach manners/discipline? He sounds extremely confused about what being a parent means!
I don't think you were overly strict. You have reasonable expectations of a 6 year old to say goodbye to someone, or indeed just not to ignore someone speaking to you.

It's good parenting to insist a child says hello, goodbye, please and thank you.
Personally I wouldn't compromise on this.

Secondly, you both need to agree not to air grievances in front of your son.

That’s not differing parenting styles. He’s a dick.

Yeh, you're worrying about the wrong things here op.

He sounds like a vile man.

Your husband is ridiculous.
Do you want to stay with him ?

I would leave him and I wouldn't even discuss 50-50 care. He doesn't do any care at the moment and if he wants 50-50 it'll only be because he thinks he doesn't have to contribute financially.

What a bizarre man!
In your counselling, have you ever discussed your hopes/dreams/ambitions for your son, and how you might get there from here?
Is he under the impression that it all sort of happens automatically with children, like getting taller, so he can slack off as far as possible and the good outcome (of a happy, well-adjusted, socially-competent young adult) remains inevitable?
If he is the 'parent' and you aren't, but he doesn't appear to do any parenting...what does he mean when he says that? What does he think a 'parent' is/does, and how does that differ from what you do?

You don't have a parenting style problem you have a useless husband problem.

Poor kid.

You need to see the bigger picture here OP, your husband belittles you as a parent in front of your son, what message does that give him, that women are less than? Also, arguing in front of your son about his behaviour should never happen. You need to have a serious word with your DH, this is not right.

Yeah I feel sorry for your situation , I don't think I could stay with someone when our parenting styles are so different . He just sounds lazy . You'll have to decide if you can live with this or leave for your sons sake .

Your h sounds like a disrespectful dickhead who is a terrible partner and a poor dad.

I'd end the relationship.

That’s not a parenting style. It’s a lack of parenting. Your DH is feckless and no role model for a child. Your call but I wouldn’t live with such a dick.

He thinks he’s the main parent but does absolutely no parenting and undermines you in front of your son. This goes way beyond different parenting styles. Even if it isn’t already this will have a major impact on your DS’s upbringing and relationship with you. You were right to get DS to say goodbye to your brother btw.

Your husband sounds like a right pain in the arse. He's out of order too. What does he being the the relationship? Do you want to stay with him? He sounds weird.

He's bringing your child up like he's feral with stupid gender based roles he's invented and no manners.

Not good. I'd seriously be considering my options. Sorry OP.

Your husband is in the wrong, big time!

It's not really a question of whether you were right or wrong on that occasion, it's a question of how you as a couple will deal with the fundamental differences in how you see your roles and how you intended to deal with your very different parenting styles.