Toddlers - please give me some hope

[Bobbo1989]

I’m well in the midst of the terrible twos with my son, who is actually only 4 months off 3 years. I’m absolutely at my wits end. Let me preface by saying, this child is my absolute world. He’s my rainbow after a surprise and traumatic miscarriage. He’s sweet, cheeky and very characterful. But he’s also going through a very tempestuous phase where he’s wilful, constantly (it feels like) tantrums all the time. We go through phases during these tantrums of slapping, biting (nearly broke hubby’s skin the other day), kicking, launching items at my head.

He also waits until my back is turned (hubby works long hours, family live far away so little/no support network) and while I’m cooking at the other end of the room to hurt his sister - today while I was just literally putting something in the oven I heard her crying, dashed round the dining table to witness him smacking her about the head.

Ive spoken to a few other mums in passing and obviously heard these stories growing up so I’m well aware that quite often this can be typical toddler behaviour, but it’s taking its toll on me.

Does anyone also feel like they’re grieving the loss of their little baby? He was the most loving, sweet little boy til he hit about 16 months and the tantrums started (only extremely mild and very sporadic). Then just a month past 2 they fully kicked in. I love seeing him grow and develop in personality, but I feel like I’m also grieving the loss of the adorable little one I had such a close bond with before. We have a close bond now too, but it’s so different.
Im also worries because I’m equally close to my little girl, who’s just reached the age that he was when he started these tantrums. I’m worried I’m going to lose her too.

Grouped with all the guilt you feel for losing your patience with them, for feeling this way and being frustrated, of not being able to cope with it better. I don’t lose my patience very often in truth, it usually takes a good few days of solid non stop tantrums for me to have had enough, more often weeks.

Would love to hear some positive stories of parents who’ve made it through the other side. It’s sad that I should be wishing his life away to get to better behaviour, rather than enjoying these early years that I’m never going to get back.

IME it gets a lot easier at around 3 and a half. That’s when I experienced both my kids begin to settle down, tantrums were far less, we could do stuff together without me worrying about it going wrong. 2 is a very tough age, it’s really hard.

But when you look back, this year or so may feel less significant but it’s awful in the moment isn’t it?!

Hope that offers some hope my lovely xx

It will get easier, and then you'll be in it with the second one wondering how the hell you got through it the first time with a baby in tow. My youngest is 3 next month and she is imaginative, adventurous, creative...but also DEAR GOD SHE IS ANNOYING! Opinionated, willful, moody, obstinate, obstructive. Arghh!!!

I keep saying it wasn't this bad last time and my friends all assure me I moaned just as much 😂

I appreciate it's hard not to beat yourself up when you lose your patience but you're only human and noone has an unlimited cup of tolerance. I call mine a shit bucket. It can only take so much crap before it overflows and the shit hits the fan. One thing I've taken to saying is 'im losing my patience, the next time I ask it will be a shout'. A. It gives them a prewarning so if it does get to shouting they're not as shocked by it and B. I feel like they then had ample opportunity to avoid the shouting mummy and I feel less guilty about it. I don't use it often, but when I'm at the edge of my sanity it helps to have that one in the bank.

My oldest is 5 now and one of my favourite people on the planet. I'm always trying to create scenarios where I can have him to myself for a few hours because he's just genuinely so much fun to be around and he rarely gets a look in with the threenager in tow. I completely relate with what you're saying about grieving the loss but the next stages are awesome in their own ways. You'll get through it, so will I!

If you're into books I'd recommend Calmer, Happier, Easier parenting. It made me realise my kids aren't as bad as I felt they were, and with a few tweaks we do have a calmer, happier, easier household these days. In fact I'm a calmer, happier, easier me! It's a good book. How to talk so little kids will listen is another great one.

Thank you so much, yes it definitely feels that way! Sometimes a week of tantrums can just feel never ending. Will just keep aiming for rhag
magic 4! Xx

My son is 3.5 & I can honestly say I was pushed to every limit and beyond last year. I was at my wits end and really upset with how he was behaving. (Similar things to you describing) but can honestly say we turned a corner when he hit 3 In September 2023. He's changed a LOT in that time and everything feels much more manageable. Of course there are days where he pushes the boundaries & has moments. But in my opinion these phases pass as quick as they come. It's tough but stay strong. You'll be looking back on this and saying goodbye to that version of him before you know it... they change so often.

I don't have much advice as my DS is only 20 months but I've been finding the book 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block' very useful. There are some tips in there about echoing their feelings back to them and speaking in very simple language like "Tommy mad, feeling mad" which I am surprised to say has actually helped with my son's tantrums.

I also miss my sweet baby so know how you feel. I'm sure I'll miss his toddler years too once they're over!

Ahh so nice to meet another who’s in my boat! It’s so awful feeling almost resentful of them when they’re like this. My mum was the most patient (and I mean never ending) parent on earth, and when I feel like I can’t be her I feel immensely frustrated. Its just trying to remember that when I’m hiding round the corner having a breather hearing him scream for me in his room while I silently tell the door some colourful language, that it’s ok to be human! It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it.

Will definitely try your method, and have a look at that book.

I don't have any advice but can totally relate to you and want to let you know you're not alone! I have a feisty 22 month old and he's a like a whirlwind 😂 I love him soooo much but the tantrums are HARD and seem constant! Anything and everything can trigger them too! I'm just winging it at the moment and hoping it gets easier but I think I'm just at the beginning of it haha! Hope things get easier for you soon, I'm sure they will 🌸

DS2 is a carbon copy of his brother. Both born with devil horns and their first 3 years were TOUGH. Screamed incessantly as babies, colic, dairy intolerance , reflux etc.... and then the 2's to test that last Mm of patience I had left.

Oh the tantrums ds2 has thrown - bloody hell, he could win an Oscar!! Ds1 grew out of it at 3 and ds2 looks to be following suit - he's 3 in a couple of months.

If it's any comfort, ds1 is 12 this time and is quite honestly the easiest child to parent now, an absolute dream - though remind me of this when he hits his teens!! Seriously though, age 3 - now has been ridiculously easy with him.

Ds2 appears to be very similar. The tantrums, while still epic in the moment, are becoming less frequent - we've had many days previously where the whole day was 1 long tantrum. I'm all for seeing the back of 2s and will be raising a glass to the back of them in June!!!