This will be sprinkled with my emotions, it needs to come out as i keep my opinions on this to myself as i'm either at work or my daughter is with me so sorry... also kind of not, it has to come out, I'm frustrated and worried!
About 5 weeks ago, my 11 daughter was at her Dad's (we've been separated 8 years) and inconsolable - she often got upset going to his, she has anxiety and I guess she just knows he doesn't know how to handle that, and instead has little patience, more temper with her. It's been a long time that she gets upset going, something I / we have been dealing with for years. She used to visit once for dinner and once overnight, weekly - his choice. The run up to this visit, she had had a couple of visits where she actually refused and fought about going (crying, refusingto leave the car). Anyway, this visit, he had enough and told her that he works 2 jobs to keep the house for her (we both own it, he refused to leave so I moved out with her when we split) and that he doesn't know why he bothers if she is just going to cry. He told her he doesn't know why he bothers, doesn't want to see her again and when she told him she loved him twice, he ignored her and on the 2nd time, when I went to pick her up, he shut the door in her face. She was devastated.
The only reason I carried on with her visits running up to this, despite it seeming like she didn't want to go, was because when I spoke to her when she was there, and when I picked her up, she has always had a good time - it was just the drop off that was hard for her. I've spoken many times to her about this obviously, to make sure there wasn't anything else going on. She still confirms nothing other than his short temper and words and when the visit wasn't imminent, she wanted to go.
In order for her to not think that her Dad truly didn't want anything to do with her (he called me the next day to reiterate that he didn't want to see her again... plus many other things he thought about her and my parenting), I told her that he and I both thought it was best that she had a break from him for at least a month, then when i heard nothing further from him, even over easter, I said i felt she needed a couple of months. She was relieved to hear this. She is seeing a therapist for this and her general anxiety.
Today (about 5 weeks on and the ONLY contact we have had since), after a missed call mid week when i asked him to call when daughter wasn't around me (i only add this because he was annoyed he had to wait, despite calling out of the blue and bang on her bed time - apparently she should be getting herself to bed so i should have been free to talk and mocked me when i told him i always put her to bed), he called me, to tell me that her behaviour is unacceptable, manipulative, that of a 3 year old and that she needed to hear some home truths and apologise to his friend as he was there when she was 'kicking off' (his friend was getting involved without asking and cracking jokes in her face, probably trying to help, but actually making things worse) as well as telling me how i parent wrongly, i'm too soft etc. Then, that he misses her and would like to see and talk to her. I said I need to think about him seeing her, explained how I'd told her about the 'mutually agreed' break from him so not to try to initiate a meet up just yet. I let him talk to her on speaker phone, she was so anxious, she had tears running down her face and didn't know what to say to him but tried to be polite. The conversation was brief and went ok...although he did say he wants to see her to 'talk about her behaviour that night'. He kind of apologised to her, swiftly followed by some kind of 'but if you hadn't got upset' type phrase. Now I've had a message saying she can go to his for dinner on his usual night this week! Daughter is definitely not ready for that, she was hoping for at least another 3 weeks and actually confessed quietly to me that she wouldn't mind not having to ever visit.
He wasn't happy when I said I'd have to think about it (he would never accept that i actually needed to see what daughter thought of this first, he thinks she should just do as she is told). I said I need time and he got annoyed ... I explained that whilst he was 'thinking' for the last 5 weeks, I've been dealing with daughters trauma (not those words, he would mock me for saying she is traumatised, tell me we're over reacting) and as far as I knew, he never wanted anything to do with her, so I think a few days for me to think about this change isn't unreasonable. I just know that he will try to cause trouble when I tell him no and want to make sure I'm not wrong in wanting to keep her away... and to try to ignore the empathy I feel for him, I'd hate to be in his position but also I would look at myself to figure out why! I am more gentle parenting (not perfect, things get on top of me too, i'm human! But we talk about our slip ups and take accountability) he is more 'do as you're told because I say so'. He thinks she needs to grow up and behave. At his, she is never badly behaved, she just gets upset. She does as she is told, does chores, extra school work, whem she is calm, they do play games, do art, writing etc. At mine, she has the usual mood fluctuations of a person, always apologises afterwards if she does snap or lose her temper (as well as thinking about why, such as hungry, thirsty, tired, worried etc), and I honestly think we are very lucky that she doesn't ever cause trouble intentionally, other than with me, possibly trying to push boundaries which i think is normal and we (she and i) discuss. Nothing is a major battle except going to her Dads. Since not seeing him, she is much happier going to school, her attendance and general health has improved and in general she seems much calmer.
Can I just tell him no for at least a month? Should I tell him no until she asks to see him (risking him again saying fine, he wants nothing to do with her again)? This is what I want to do.
In case it might affect anybodies input, I've never asked him for any money since leaving, as he is paying the mortgage. He has occasionally helped out with buying a school bag, school shoes and some fuel as he doesn't drive and I had to do the drop off and pick ups. So he can't be worrying about me 'getting more' from him. I have to admit though, despite never so much as mentioning, never mind threatening him with money talk, my internal rage at him has made me want to claim for the last 8 years or at least buy me out of the mortgage! I know I'm vulnerable with trusting that he will pay it. I'm open to answering any questions but please be understanding of my situation, I've tried so hard to keep their relationship positive, we just have very different styles and he will not listen when I suggest he just tells her it's OK to be upset, he tries it for a few mins and still lost his temper with her each time. He had a terrible relationship with his dad and thinks she is lucky he isn't like that with her - there is just no getting through to him.