Taking 2-3 hours some nights to get baby and toddler to sleep

[Feckthisforagameofsoldiers]

I'm really struggling with bedtimes at the moment and I really don't know how else to do them.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 10month old plus a 7 year old and 12 year old stepsons who we have full time. My partner works away through the week so it is usually just me doing bedtime. Due to our living situation it has been very very hard to keep times consistent around bedtime, for example when DSSs go to see their mum, although they have a court ordered time to be back, they will often come back much later and I never know when. Also when DP is back, routines are all over, the kids are excited to see him, stay up later, etc. So times have never been as consistent as I would have liked them to be but I try my hardest as far as possible to keep them as close as I can and I try to keep the routine consistent- bath and teeth then book and bed.

The issue is that with being on my own, I can only seem to get the baby and toddler down by feeding to sleep at the same time. If I am up rocking the baby or anything, my toddler will be bouncing around me, keeping the baby awake. But the issue then is that it can take one a lot longer to drop off than the other and then when I try to move away one of them might wake and then I'm back to square one trying to get them back to sleep. It used to work quite well and I used to be able to get them both to sleep quickly most nights doing this and then could get up again, but now it's taking so long and I don't know how else to do it.

This week was particularly difficult as my DSSs' mum cancelled contact with no explanation so DSS7 was up all night for a couple of nights very upset and the up and down woke the babies as well which has had a knock on effect the following nights. But to give an example

Usually we have dinner at 5/5.30pm. After dinner bath for the babies then bed is about 7. We read a book or two then I feed them both and they drift off. It used to be that they would drift off quick enough that I could then get up to read a story for DSS7 and get him into bed, his bedtime is 8pm. DSS12 goes to bed at 10pm, he gets himself to bed so that's no bother.

Sometimes if I can't get the babies to sleep then I will get up again with them to do DSS7's bedtime routine then take them back through after.

When DP is home he sorts DSSs and I sort our DDs but it can still take a couple of hours or sometimes even longer and I feel like that's not normal (and DP is telling me it's not) but I don't know what else to do. Tonight they took so long (mainly DD2 did) that I fell asleep and woke when DP came in at 1am saying that it's not normal and shouldn't take hours to get them to sleep. I know he's right but I really don't know how else to do it on my own.

Bedtimes are such a pain, my nearly 3 year old would take hours too to go off and want rocking and cuddling to sleep. Then he would wake in the night and it would start all over again so I hear your pain.
I found cutting out the toddlers nap made him tired enough that he falls asleep in 10 minutes now. I also put a stop to cuddling him off and unstead sit next to his bed whilst he goes off to sleep. I will slowly work on sitting further and further away until I have migrated out of the room.
With our 5month old we have managed to get into the routine of having his milk then putting him in the cot and him self soothing. So if you can try to get to that point it really helps. You could start trying it a nap times sitting with him whilst he self sooths to sleep with the occasional hand on the chest for comfort.
Also try staggered bedtimes for the little ones. So I will put the baby down at 6:30 whilst the toodler plays with his toys in his room. Then I can go in and do story and bed with the toodler. That way they are not keeping each other awake.
Sleep and bedtime really can be a pain and once you find what works best for you it will get better

These phases happen. They are pretty shit! I used to find this happened when They were gearing up to drop a nap. You couldnt rush it though, just had to live through it.

Consistency is very helpful, although I can totally see why You are struggling with that at the moment. It all sounds a very difficult juggling act.

Would 12yo be able to help 7yo at all? My eldest usually does her own thing mostly at bedtime, but I had a tough evening last week where the baby and one 3yo were crying and disturbing each other and it was all getting rather out of hand. Eldest could hear it was going wrong and just pitched in and in twenty minutes all the little ones were asleep. She was my total saviour that evening.

Thanks for the responses.

This might seem daft but how do I get them to self-soothe? Neither of mine have been able to although my toddler in the last few months has been able to fall asleep without me feeding her to sleep if she is in her own bed and I am with her, although it takes a long time and she will try to get up a lot. I feel like if I had someone to help me then I'd be able to get her sleeping alone but right now it's luck whether the baby wakes up again while I'm getting the toddler down and at that point it's easier for me just to put them both down together.

DSS12 does help with getting DSS7 down sometimes, I try my best to avoid that though as I feel like he needs that time with an adult to feel secure (they haven't had the easiest of times). I always feel guilty if he goes to sleep and I haven't been able to read him a story of at least give him a kiss and cuddle because I feel like he really needs that, especially with being away from both his parents so often.

It does make me feel better to think it's just a phase and we'll get through it. It's particularly hard at the weekends when DP is back though as it means we don't get much time together. Because he's away so much when he's back neither of the wee ones want him putting them down but when he has been able to get the toddler down that has helped massively and she's actually often slept through longer when he puts her down.