Overwhelmed

[whyyy321]

I'm feeling so overwhelmed, sad and anxious.

For context: I have a 18 month old, and work full time (at least 4 days a week in the office). H is also full time, fully remote (and entirely pulls his weight in every way).

Since 2020, a lot has been thrown my way: my mum died within about 8 weeks of a cancer diagnosis, during lockdown (so was difficult to visit, though was with her at the end)- my grandad also died, with his funeral happening the day my mum died (I didn't go, I'd been up all night with her). We (sibling and I) had to clear the whole house to sell it and settle probate. Her lovely partner then had a stroke and has been fundamentally changed by it. Sibling moves to other side of the world. Alongside all of this, I started a new qualification (full time, workplace based so was working alongside studying) and moved cities (with H). We got a dog, and got married. We then got pregnant and had our child- who came premature and as a result we were in hospital for 8 days (without H, so I slept probably about 6 hours across those 8 days). We were living about 500 miles from closest relatives, so was all on us. Went back to work at 8 months, hit with the nursery bugs. Decided to move closer to the family (his family, mine now being gone/living abroad), but I have to commute 500 miles for several months more or less weekly. This is now done, and we are now full time living in the new city. I have almost finished the qualification but have also started a new full-time job in that profession- so am full time plus writing a thesis.

H's family are lovely and practically offer a lot of help- MiL does some childcare (we pay her) and will do some overnight stays when we need. FiL has helped loads with dog/practicalities of moving house.

But I am still struggling. I thought once we settled I'd be OK, but I am constantly overwhelmed. I feel anxious on my way home every day, anxious what our evening will be like- will DC eat? Tantrum? Sleep? To be fair, he's entirely normal in all these respects (phases of refusing all foods, or waking more) but I don't seem able to cope with it at all. H much better at this- will be stressed in the moment but then lets it go/doesn't worry till it's happening.

I feel alone in these feelings, I feel I am wishing away my life for when I get some "peace" to sit and think (and mourn?). I am wishing away these years for some fictional point where I look forward to coming home and chilling with DC and H, making dinner we all enjoy and watching tv/walking the dog together. At the moment everything always feels it's constantly changing and I can't keep up. I do also have some degree of emetophobia so whenever DC isn't hungry I am at panic stations immediately.

MiL had DC last night for us, but when we collected him told us he's not eaten lunch. I felt such overwhelm that (once we left) I just started crying. H has taken DC to visit FiL and give me some time to collect myself this afternoon.

I know this isn't right, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I don't know what to do - I just want my mum to tell me it's OK. I just want DC to be able to tell me what they want/think/what's wrong. I just want to feel calm.

Someone in my NCT is pregnant with 2nd kid- I thought by now I'd be managing but I feel like I'm drowning with one.

Will it get better?

I feel so alone with this- I have friends but they are either recently parents themselves (so don't have emotional bandwidth) or just have no clue. I also now live about 500 miles from them, so it's not like I can pop over. I am slowly making friends here but the only one I know well enough to maybe speak to is pregnant and I don't want to freak her out.

I just wanted to say I feel very overwhelmed for other reasons right now but I’ve been in many overwhelming situations and they always end… then the next thing comes around. I need to telll myself this too but I think all we can do is relax and enjoy what we have. Things always seem worse when we are in the thick of it. Hang in there. You aren’t the only one who is going through feelings like this for whatever reason so just know you aren’t alone

I think you feel overwhelmed because your life is overwhelming, love. I think anybody would feel overwhelmed, you’ve got a huge amount on!

When are you done with studying? I’m sure that will free up a lot of bandwidth.

Get a cleaner, outsource whatever you can. Can you afford to take a few weeks off to try and rest and process everything. You need to grieve for your mum and grandad - and your sibling who has moved so far away.

I’d normally suggest going to the GP but in all honesty I think you are having a normal reaction to everything that’s gone on and I don’t think medication would help really.

You need to just have less on your plate. Only you know how you can do that but I really think you have to or you might end up feeling worse.

I have generalised anxiety disorder and I feel like this every day. My daughter is 6 and it is less intense now than it was but I still feel on edge about everything, even when we are sat watching TV and chatting together I'm thinking about dinner or the bath time battle later, every morning I'm on edge wondering if she will get ready for school nicely and go without any upset, even if I have to do a food shop I worry if she will throw a strop about it, most of the time what I'm worrying about never happens and even if it does its not the end of the world but I'm so tired of being stressed all the time about things that are just daily life with a child.

I'm normally a 'just get on with it' person, but you've had a massive amount on your plate with all that has gone on and it doesn't sound as if you've really mourned your Mum properly, whatever that really means. I think you should visit your GP - anxiety doesn't always go away it just gets more ingrained and it sounds like you need a hand to help you out of it whether it's via counselling or anti-depressants for a short while.

Thank you for your responses- it feels validating to hear others day it does just sound overwhelming right now, and to feel like I am not the only one.

I am not adverse to trying the GP- I have been having some counselling for a few months but not getting too far other than validation of how hard things are. Perhaps that's just all that can be done, really, though.

I do need to change things, I just have no idea how. I will hopefully be done with the training by Sept/Oct, which will be a relief and will give me one less plate to spin. I have recently taken back one evening a week for myself to exercise which is good.

I suspect I am just burnt out, and probably have some PND left over- which really, is complicated by grief.

Any tips on what I could do welcome- H often asks how he can help and I just don't know what to say. I want to be treated like a poorly invalid, wrapped up and given lots of rest and peace, but that just isn't possible with a toddler.

H just came home with DC and immediately I'm tearful and panicking again. I think I've definitely reached some sort of grief/burnout phase. I just want someone (my mum) to come tell me it's all ok.

Just sending you loads of love 💐

Just want to give you a hug @whyyy321 I also have 2 young children and lost my mum heavily pregnant in lockdown unexpectedly it's harrowing. I feel very similar to you, drowning most of the time and faking it to everyone. I'd really recommend therapy it definitely helps x

Thank you, you've all been really kind. I'm going to the GP on Monday to ask about CBT as a starter. I spoke to H last night and we realised that this feeling has happened before and usually coincides with being very tired, which makes sense as I just cant push through.

H also suggested checking with GP if I could have a blood test or maybe think about starting eg vitamin d, as he's heard that can contribute to anxiety and not feeling rested after sleep.

It will be better. Get some therapy it will do you the world of good.