When they refuse to hold your hand

[thiskeepshappening]

I know everyone will push reins but in a situation where reins are really impractical or actually more dangerous (and child is a bit old for them anyway) what the hell do you do? So hard to hold on to a squirming child.

Reins are fine near roads - they don't all have long straps. I got very worried yesterday watching people with babies in prams and walking toddlers beside a .busy main road. They approached the crossing and the moment the lights changed the toddlers sprinted across. Fortunately nobody jumped the lights but it has happened.

Regarding the poolside situation I agree reins are nto ideal. Is your child there to swim, or are they there as a spectator? If the former then speak with the instructor to make them aware and see if they have any guidance.
If spectating, is there anywhere else away from the poolside you could wait? Our local pool generally asks for parents to sit poolside but doesn't allow buggies and prams so lets those parents use a small observation room.

At 3.5 it depends on the situation for me - poolside - that's indoors, so no escape risk but of course a safety risk with the water.

If they are walking then I would not insist on holding hands. If they are running, ideally I'd have remembered to remind them of the expectation of walking when we were still in the changing area, but either way I'd give a verbal reminder to walk by the pool. Probably "DS, careful! It's slippy, we need to walk."

If that did not work, go to them and crouch down to their level with arm around them to steer away from pool edge/prevent them running off/get their attention, and explain about being safe by the pool/that we can only go in the pool if we follow the safety rules.

Pick up if necessary. Take them to another part of the pool if necessary.

If it's a recurring issue look at what might be leading to that - are they hungry, is it a bad time of day to do it, do we need to do more practice.

I have misunderstood your dilemma then

I thought you were sitting at the side of the pool with the child (watching someone in the water) and wanted the child to stay close to you so as not to fall in.

Are you saying you intend getting into the water with this child? In which case why won't a firm grip or carrying work?

And, sympathy, because it's a tough age. I really struggle with this age. Especially if your DC has a harder time than average with impulse control because it seems like the other children are starting to become less feral whereas yours is going the opposite way

And if you are both planning on getting into the water, then I wouldn't, until the child behaves the way you want him to.

We were getting in the water ready for our lesson but kept twisting and squirming away from me. The first lesson overran so we had to wait (just for a couple of minutes) but got restless.

Thanks @BertieBotts . It’s a rough age and I didn’t handle it well, got stressed and turned it into a battle.

If he doesn't hold hands nicely, and has a tantrum all the other kids in his lesson will be watching and think he is a baby?

As a pp says, he either sits nicely like a big boy who can be trusted or you'll have to treat him like a baby.

Does he enjoy swimming? Would it work if one week you just said nope okay we are going home because it is important to behave at the pool and you will not listen to me. I found one experience of being dragged home kicking and screaming was enough to make sure they knew I would follow through on threats. Only works if it is somewhere they want to be though obviously.

Set up makes a huge huge difference. So next week make sure he's had a decent breakfast so he's not hungry which will help. And make sure you have eaten breakfast. If you have a partner and can alternate so one does the early morning wake up and one does the swimming lesson then this is a good idea too. Try to minimise stress in that morning, so pack all the swimming stuff the night before and get him dressed when he wakes up, don't wait until it's time to go.

When you're getting changed, remind him of your expectations for going into the pool - I wouldn't force mine to hold hands in that scenario but if you want to, then include this. You might include things like "Remember, we walk slowly by the pool so we don't slip" and "We need to wait until the class before has finished" - basically you want your expectations to be in almost bullet point form so you can remember them all (even summarise with one word - hand - walk - wait).

If you think he doesn't actually know what is expected of him, then have a talk with him today, tomorrow, or at some point during the week, and maybe repeat this a few times e.g. watch a TV programme where they mention not running by the pool, read a book about a swimming pool and comment on not running, bring some small figures into the bath and "tell them off" for running, make them slip into the bath with how fast they are running etc to cement this idea of not running by the pool, so it really is just a reminder in the changing room. Don't try to teach a totally new concept in the changing room.

When you're walking in to the pool, keep these expectations in mind and any that you notice he's meeting, praise him "You're doing so well holding my hand, well done!" This will put him on a positive footing and remind him about the others, more so than a warning which often primes them to do the opposite.

Good luck!!

I’d have picked him up, taken him back to the changing rooms and told him that was his one and only warning that he has to wait nicely by the side of the pool or we’d be going home. If he does it again, then yes it would be home time and I’d forget about swimming lessons until he’s 4 and has developed the maturity to listen and stay safe by the water. If he decides to behave and wait nicely then lots and lots of praise for being a big boy and doing such a good job holding mummy’s hand etc. Tough age though!

Joke on me as I’ve paid until summer.

@BertieBotts he has become very defiant re hand holding lately, lots of snatching hand away, twisting, etc

If we are talking safely IE by a road. You do zero tolerance.
Rains. Great invention keep them damn close.
Tight grip on hand/ wrist. Yes Tight IE the kid ain't going near that lorry tight.
Lift , hold wriggling screaming kid under one arm look straight ahead and keep walking.
Pushchair if still young enough.

I think you do need a certain amount of compliance for reins. They are fine if the child is happy to have them on but might wander or dash into the road. I’d say they’re probably best for 18 months to 2.5. But if the child refuses and plenty do then a fight by the side of a road really isn’t ideal. I do think it is important to remember reins are for stopping children going too far not for dragging them.

Going forward, next time before you leave the changing room I would get down to his level and remind him of my expectations and the pool rules, no running and holdings hands. Perhaps put him in a towelling bathrobe whilst waiting pool side so that you have some friction when holding him. If we were waiting like you were I would get him to sit down on the floor or distract him with a game 'I spy' or whatever or pick him up.

But why did he have to hold your hand? At 3.5 years he isn't tiny and can understand stop or the directions to stand in one place. What would he have done if you weren't holding his hand and having a battle?

In terms of reins and wrist straps being too long they really aren't if you want then in one place you just wrap it around your hand to shorten it. Plenty of bolters with SEN will still be wearing them to keep themsafe.

I know reins are always pushed on here but you do need some compliance for them to be effective.

You have my sympathy op, been there. And you're right, reins are not the answer here.

Distraction, clearly explained boundaries and deals "you don't have to hold hands if you stay here/walk this side/walk nicely", threats promises - "you can play with fav toy/on your tablet/eat fav snack in the car on the home ONLY if you walk nicely. If pushed then the 'little finger hand hold' trick helps to hold on the them - hold hand normally but slip your little finger round their wrist - much less chance of them pulling out of grip. Last resort, yoga mat/ironing board/plank carry! And remember that most parents have been there. DC1 was compliant and patient and could be reasoned with. I tried not to be smug and I'm glad I put the effort in, because DC2....🤦‍♀️🤯

I think I probably need to ease off. I panicked and started being too strict and he pushed back and won 🤦🏼‍♀️ but we both ended up upset.

We've all been there (especially looking back and thinking we could have handled it so much better at the time).

I'm firmly in the 'either you wait nicely by the pool with me/ hold my hand, or we don't go swimming'. As you were poolside, this may or may not have resulted in having to do the yoga mat technique to get him back to the changing room if he was being particularly defiant.

And then chalk it up as being one of those days!

I Always called it the baguette, I now know I am wrong and it is the yoga mat.

It's, always Been reins or a buggy whether they've liked it or not ( the mere fact they don't understand the safely implications means they cannot decide that they don't want to wear the reins or ride in the buggy on certain designated times).
If caught out its the wrestled baguette under arm.
For slightly bigger children I hold them around the wrist. It's necessary to stop them running in the road and getting knocked over in Central london. It's uncomfortable and they protest. They hold your hand very quickly as an alternative.

IME they do start to hate holding hands at a certain point because they see it as you curtailing their freedom Then they start to not mind and see it as a novelty again.

It can help I think if it's not forced so much - e.g. I used to say to DS1 that there is a busy road coming up, so when we get there we'll need to hold hands (but not ask him to the rest of the time). That helps and then also asking them "Can I hold your hand?" when it is genuinely optional so they see it as a nice thing. Also if you hold hands with DH, other children etc.

If you can work on safety e.g. road awareness and not running in the pool then holding hands becomes less critical. I agree that reins are not for dragging, but they can be a useful thing for catching them if they run off or go towards danger (and agree, would not use them in a pool!) Hands are also not for dragging, so you still have to work on the same things regardless.

Take the child home if they don't hold your hand nicely by the poolside.

It's non-negotiable. They won't do it twice.

You're the adult.
You do not let the child win.

Honestly I think my determination to ‘win’ was the problem today. No one won anything.

@TheShellBeach of course they’ll do it twice! Great way to get out of something!

Thanks @BertieBotts i agree with your posts and it’s good to know it’s a normal sort of phase.

If going home isn't a useful consequence then make sure you've got one that's relatively immediate and either bribery or punishment. Bribery is always nicer to enforce!

So either decide on a big ticket promise or consequence eg if you behave at swimming we can go to the park on the way home or if you don't behave at swimming no TV later.

I always say to him "hold my hand or I hold your hood" (back of his collar if he's not wearing a coat). If he refuses to walk while I'm doing that, we just stand still (with me still holding his hand/collar).

If he utterly refused, I'd carry him (stopping to put him down while I catch my breath) then giving him another chance to walk before picking him up again.

I usually say hold my hand or hold (insert whatever works here: the pram/my pocket/ etc) choice is up to you but you need to do that to stay safe.

pool side though I would probably not force handholding and use a walking (no running) approach. If it’s a pool there is usually a sign as you go in which I point out and highlight the rules at that pool (and add in my own as he can’t read yet 😂)