I feel like an awful Mum, advice needed.

[GMG89]

To set the backdrop, I’m a single parent with two beautiful little girls (19 months and 3, nearly 4). I work full time in a demanding job. On my two days off I have the girls to look after.

The kids just are extremely hard work, they constantly fight, whinge, cry etc. I’m absolutely run ragged. My older daughter has really difficult behaviour (doesn’t listen, super defiant, shouts NO when I ask her to do something, pushes her sister) the toddler now also has started to hit/scratch her older sister.

I do ‘timeouts’ on the bottom step of the stairs for the older one, but her behaviour isn’t improving (she’s an angel at nursery apparently, by the way!)

I feel terrible for doing it and I always apologise afterwards but I feel like I’m constantly losing my temper and shouting at them. Especially the 3 year old. She said to me this evening ‘Mummy it makes me sad when you scream at me’ which broke my heard and the word she used ‘scream’ really hit home.

I also feel like I struggle to do anything with them and we’re cooped up in the house a lot because trips out are almost impossible with them and I’m so scared of losing one of them etc.

Does anyone have any advice for a totally depleted Mum who feels like she’s doing a crap job.

thank you in advance.

You have a five day job and a 24/7 job too. We’ve all been there op. I’ve no advice but it’s hard and you’re not giving enough credit to yourself for what you do. Do you have fun with them too? Play, chat, watch tv? Give yourself a bit of a break x

Ditch the ‘timeouts’ - they’re totally counterproductive.

You praise, kiss, cuddle and go over the top happy and smiley about anything - and I mean anything (even basic things like sitting nicely watching tv, getting in the car without fussing or getting their coat on etc) but the ‘bad’ behaviour you ignore completely - grey rock - no eye contact. Obviously you may need to physically intervene if they are going to hurt themselves or damage something but again no verbal, no eye contact. No need to be angry or stern, just indifferent.

Once the behaviour stops, the sun shines and you become happy mummy again. No post mortems, no verbal analysis. Just move on.

If you consistently do this they’ll soon realise what behaviour gets them the result they want.

Thank you for your advice. I guess we constantly beat ourselves up, it makes it especially difficult because I really don’t have that ‘village’. Yes we have fun too, we play, do crafts and cook together. I guess it should(?) get easier as they get a bit older.

Thank you for your advice too, I try to praise good behaviour as much as I can but definitely could do it more. The problem I have is when she’s being defiant (for example refusing to put her shoes on or brush her teeth) I can’t ignore the behaviour as I have to get out the door to get the kids to nursery on time so I’m not late for work. I will definitely try this on day’s I’m not under time constraints though.

Would you ignore behaviour when she’s hitting/pushing her sister? Intervene but not discipline?

Oh OP that sounds incredibly hard. What I found helped is to just not lose my temper. It was HARD, I didn’t have the best parental models so had to start from scratch.

First step is try not raising your voice, speaking really quietly worked better for DD than anything else, as soon as you feel the anger building up pull yourself up on it because it will only make things worse. Really think about what it is that sets your DD off. Right now it will feel like it’s random but at the end of the day try to pinpoint at what point she started getting upset or defiant, write it down and you will probably see a pattern. Once we did that we realised it was transitions, even seemingly small things changes would set her off. But because we knew what was likely to be a trigger we could brace ourselves and keep calm because we knew what was coming.

The more positively you behave towards her the more positive she will behave. when you and the three year old are calmer the toddler will probably calm down too, she’s probably feeling stressed.

Ok so you know some of the points, talk her through it in the morning. Big hug, did you sleep well? Ok we are going to have breakfast, then we are going to brush your teeth, then we are going to ….. give her warning about each step. We are going to be leaving in five minutes so we need to get coats on soon. Etc rinse and repeat.

All I can suggest is don't overcomplicate things, at all.

Just take the kids outside - local park, walk to collect sticks, whatever.

Indoor stuff, the less mess the better.

They simply do not need baking/ glitter at this age.

Buy magnifying glasses and torches instead

You know what you need OP?

A break.

Im a single mum too. One DS though, but have been solo since he was 6mo. I’ve worked f/t in very full on creative role since he was 12mo. And let me tell you- the thing that will
improve your parenting most from the bottom up, is a break.

I also know how hard such a thing can be to come by, but you can’t pour from an empty cup.

if you haven’t got friends or family that will have the kids for a couple of days, send them to nursery and call in sick. 2 days maybe. 3 if you can manage it. You’ve got noro and you can’t go in. Fuck anyone on here who says that’s dishonest. (someone will). If you’ve got someone who’ll have them- great. If not- needs must.

Then you go online. You order lovely nutritious food, nice bath stuff and a book you want to read. They arrive.

Then for 2-3 days you take your kids to nursery, and every morning after you’ve dropped them off, you go for a walk in nature. You go home and go to bed for a couple of hours. You eat a nice lunch, slowly, with no screens. You spend the afternoon doing something you want to do- watch a movie. Have that bath. Paint your nails. Stare at the wall.

Pick up the kids each night. Put them to bed each night, early as poss. Then you get early nights yourself. 3 days of total rest, 3 nights of as much rest as poss.

Youll find as you start to relax, you think about your parenting. What’s working. What’s not. You’ll reset. You’ll fill up your cup. You make a fresh start. You go back to work. And yeah, you might need to do this again in 6 months. Maybe you’ll book leave rather than call in sick. But you need these lily pads of respite. And your kids need you to have these breaks too.

And if you need someone to give you permission, because you don’t feel like you can just do this for yourself? Imagine what you would say to a dear friend, who was in your position, and asked if this was okay.

i wish someone had told me this. Instead Ive run myself ragged for 7 years, I’ve been a less than optimal parent, and only now am I realizing why and what I needed.

You are not an awful mum op, you clearly care dearly and are doing your best! I have a defiant four year old, sounds exactly the same as your little one, a 2.5 year old that is hitting her a lot (I do intervene and move her away and say we don’t hit, but it drives me mad! And a new baby. We are in the trenches! On the plus side, I do think this behaviour will improve and I agree with what was said previously about needing a break just for you! I know it’s hard because I need to take one myself and after this thread I will do!

Not helpful I know but I think you should just give yourself a pat on the back that you're surviving and they're ok. As time passes, they will become more rational and it will get easier. My 7yo can be an annoying, cheeky little so-and-so at times, but at least I no longer need to worry about him running into the road and can ignore him for short periods.

Personally I'd stick the TV on and retreat into the kitchen with a cup of tea and supervise from there. "Sorry, Mummy's busy, folks".

you sound like you are doing the best job possible xx

What helped mine with the defiance was giving her choices where possible.
Do you want to brush your teeth first or put your socks on?
Do you want the pink top or the blue one?
Are you wearing trainers today or wellies?

Just those little choices helped her feel like she wasn’t being ordered around, which triggered the NO and helped her feel like she had some autonomy while still getting us to the same goal of getting out of the house quickly

Oh my goodness i totally feel this!!!! My toddler is 3.5 yrs and a handful i have an 11 year old she's fantastic. I have 2 step children and a partner that works full time i work part time. I totally keep yelling screaming shouting. Potty training is hell. I feel like the worst mum ever recently. I just lay next to my toddler after screaming at her. Dad dosent really help with things. It was actually easier when i was a single mum in a way. Hes in there now watching football. I was in the bathroom screaming at my toddler 9pm because i was just burnt out had enough and literally feel i cannot cope. Walks really help with grounding us. I know you mentioned your struggling with that as your anxious about losing one of them they are difficult. Surely your older one will start to sell in another couple of months as mine eventually will. It's a precarious age! Maybe they need something in the future to look forward to. A day out... A fun little trip. I hope you get a bit of time off to have a you day. I need this too. A bit of a day to pamper and rest! I do hope things get better. You sound like a fantastic mum. Your just worn out!!! I keep making sure i apologise and cuddle my girls. Tell them im proud of them no matter what.

Settle not sell... 😂 Excuse my typos

Love this fabulous advice xxx helped me also thank you 🙏 so much

Firstly, you sound like you're trying your level best in really challenging circumstances, so don't best yourself up. A few words of advice though. Timeouts are really old fashioned and counterproductive so definitely ditch those. I really think over the top praise, gentle parenting type stuff does work really well for little kids. Also, remember, she's 3. She's gonna do 3 year old stuff. Phillippa Perry's book about parenting is worth a read.

Hitting/pushing her sister I would definitely tell her off but I would do a 'time in' ideally, meaning now we have to stop the game and go have a chat about your behaviour. But I know it's tough when you're trying to get out the door and no one is a perfect parent.

Oh I’m glad!

Funnily enough I hit a complete wall myself this week 🙈 difficult time at work, exDH being a twat and v unhelpful with DS, DS did some mad behavioral stuff that he’s NEVER done before… it was QUITE the week. Ended up sobbing on the phone to my mum (very unusual for me- were not very close) about how exhausted I am, and how much I …. Need a break!

Luckily I have a 10 day holiday coming up at the end of the month so will push on until then- but if I didn’t have that coming up, I’d be making that “too sick to work” call- no doubt!

If she being defiant while you are in a rush to get out of the door - you take charge. You physically put her on your lap and put on her shoes on (stern face no verbal). You ignore any tantrumming or wriggling. Keep putting the shoes on and hold her hand firmly to get out of the door.

If she’s hitting or scratching other children you physically remove her and say a stern ‘No, you do NOT do that’ then make a massive fuss of the hurt child. Do not drop the sternness until she has apologised. If she refuses go grey rock until she does.