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Original poster

Is loneliness normal or is it my situation?

20 replies

CrackerJacker11 · 19/04/2024 06:32

We have a great life. Lovely home, great friends, good jobs, fun hobbies and weekends. I am generally happy.

Baby is 3 months and I was doing really well adjusting. Our family all lives a plane away and my mum came to visit for 4 weeks.
Since she left, I feel a terrible loneliness in the house each day. I get out for walks and groups but still obviously alone the majority of my day with baby.

My parents have plans to move here but it's a long while away (approx 5 years) unfortunately which is out of our hands.

Is this lonely feeling normal for all new parents or is it because I'm away from family? Just wanting other experiences as I can't shake it this week and feel so unusually down!

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ItsNotABedOfRoses · 19/04/2024 06:48

I think it can be quite normal in the early days tbh. You would usually be at work in a building full of people most days, and now you are alone with a tiny baby and little adult conversation.
It does get better though, hang on in there

Zonder · 19/04/2024 06:51

Can you try and make sure you have one social thing a day? A baby group, invite another parent and baby round for coffee? A meet in the park? I use to do that then at least I knew I had something each day to keep me going.

Original poster

CrackerJacker11 · 19/04/2024 07:15

@Zonder we have an activity most days , aqua, rhyme time, an organised mum walk etc. I'm quite new to them all so I havnt established any mum friendships in the groups just yet but hoping to.

I think I just loved waking up and my mum being there and just around the house all day. I know this wouldn't even be the case if we lived locally to each other.
My partner is out the house from 4.30am everyday so I wake up to an empty house. Although he's back earlier which is great!

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Original poster

CrackerJacker11 · 19/04/2024 07:16

@ItsNotABedOfRoses thank you! Hopefully it'll get better like you say and I'm trying to establish mum friendships to help x

OP posts:

MachineBee · 19/04/2024 07:21

Perfectly normal. You’ve just gone through a major life change and are used to having a lot of people around. Your DHs work hours are probably adding to your sense of aloneness too. Keep going to the mum and baby activities and perhaps invite a couple of mums you meet at them for a coffee so you get chance to just chat.

And keep posting on Mumsnet - it’s always here and can help when things get difficult.

Zonder · 19/04/2024 07:24

It sounds like you're really doing what you can. You'll get used to it but it is a tough time. Before you know it they will be teens with plenty to say and you'll be their taxi driver!

Cbljgdpk · 19/04/2024 07:24

I found this as I wasn’t used to being on my own very much as I’d always been around people at work or with DH or friends. It took a bit of time to get used to it. With my second DC I liked the company of my 3 year old when he was a baby as even though she was only 3 she would talk back when I talked at least

fourelementary · 19/04/2024 07:25

Definitely normal. Many moons ago when I had my first it was pre internet so the online community didn’t exist. I lived approx an hours drive away from my family, but remember going “home” just to see my family member for a few hours before she started work at lunchtime as I was lonely during the day… Being a new mum is lonely sometimes and you’ve had your own mum around which is comforting and it’s normal to feel a wee sense of loss after she goes.
Have you got another date for seeing her planned? Maybe something to look forward to? She will also be missing you guys I bet- can’t imagine not seeing my grandkids every few days so it must be hard all round.

TinyTeachr · 19/04/2024 10:54

Normal. It's a major life change and it takes time to adjust. Being away from family makes it not extreme I imagine.

Keep up the groups. I found the casual ones were the ones where I made friends - church toddler group, stay and play at childrens centre. Others that were more activity focussed weren't so good for meeting people, but we're still a pleasant way to bond with baby and enjoy a change of scene.

In warmer weather small local playgrounds are also good places to meet people with similar aged kids.

Your child gradually becomes better company too, but that takes a while.

hadonom · 19/04/2024 14:53

I think it depends how sociable you are pre-dc. I've tended to spend a lot of time on my own on my own as an adult, wfh, visiting exhibitions and going to films and theatre on my own so being just with a baby was more company than I'm used to if anything. If you're coming from a sociable workplace and always go out to things with friends then it would be normal to feel lonely.

I like going to groups and classes with my dd, it's good for me to have the structure and to take a bit of the burden of entertaining the dc, but I've never had big expectations of making mum friends. I don't feel lonely and enjoy going to places around town just with my dd, I like being out of the house more than at home and being around people, even if I don't socialise with them.

pontipinemum · 23/04/2024 10:05

I get it, my family don't live as far away but I am very isolated where I live. Having a baby is a huge life change and takes a lot of adjusting

AnnoyinglyOptimistic · 23/04/2024 12:14

Totally normal, although perhaps your situation exacerbates it.

I felt incredible lonely at times during the first few months - combination of unexpectedly becoming a single mother during the pregnancy (so found myself completely on my own as my ex moved out of our home 3 days after baby arrived), my own family living 6 hours' drive away and my closest friend being 45 minutes away. I didn't join any baby groups as I was anxious about being around other mums (didn't feel like I fitted in where I lived) and was reluctant to rely too heavily on my ex's family who all lived close by as he took very little involvement in DD's life (his choice) and there hadn't been a huge amount of support from them following the break up (they were interested in DD, but would rather take her for periods of time than engage too much with me).

Visits from my mum and friends helped, and my friend who lived 45 minutes away came to stay overnight occasionally when I really wasn't coping with the loneliness. I also had a friend who called me several times a week for hours at a time, usually in the evenings when I was really struggling with being on my own. Everything improved dramatically when I relocated closer to my family and friends, but the friend who called regularly to 'keep me going' was a real life saver.

swissrollisntswiss · 23/04/2024 20:33

Completely get this and I felt so lonely on maternity with DS1. We’re also a plane ride away and I felt much happier and content when my parents came to stay. I did as many groups as I could (it was 2020 though!) but sometimes it felt quite forced, they weren’t people I had anything with in common with aside from our babies. I would say what you are feeling is normal and you will find your people!

On the positive side, I found my mat leave with DS2 so much better, I was so sad when it ended. By then I’d found some mum friends I actually had things in common with and we also had DS1 routine to fit into our day.

Sjh15 · 23/04/2024 21:40

so so so so so normal!
when I had my baby I struggled so much with loneliness at first it was awful! It’s because we go from working all day, a free social life doing what you want, to being stuck inside with someone who doesn’t talk back!
get out as much as you can and I promise it gets so much better x

SophieB0012 · 23/04/2024 22:12

I was so lonely with both of my babies in the first year that I actually felt anger towards my mum on the days she was at work!
My mum is pretty much my best friend so for me to feel that towards her for doing something she certainly didn't want to have to do - it sure says a lot about how lonely it gets.

It gets so much easier when they start turning into real little people who can talk back! I don't care what others say - the first year is the absolute hardest. Mentally and physically and just in every single way.

SErunner · 24/04/2024 06:54

It's really normal. I hardly spent any time at home during mat leave for this reason and went back to work at 5/6 months. Was always perfectly happy to be alone at home pre baby so I don't know what changes but I know how you're feeling. Sounds like you're doing all the right things, mostly just keep busy and have regular social stuff in the diary.

EllaPaella · 24/04/2024 07:14

I totally felt this too. I was quite relieved to go back to work a couple of days a week and did so after 6 months of maternity leave. I also think that particularly with your first child you do really enjoy and value having your own Mum around. My Mum lived a 5 hour journey away from me and I also used to feel very empty and sad for a few days after she left a visit.

vickylou78 · 24/04/2024 08:24

Normal but don't worry as gets easier once the baby is giggling and talking and generally more responsive. I found it lonely and my family live close by. I used to go on lots of walks to local shops with pram just to see people!

Ceit · 24/04/2024 08:41

It sounds to me as if you are really missing your mother, which I completely get. How lovely she was able to stay for a decent amount of time. I felt closer than ever to my mother after having a baby, and loved visits. She was absolutely the most supportive and helpful person to have around at that time. As others have said, it will get easier. X

Marblessolveeverything · 24/04/2024 08:45

Absolutely normal. Remember your whole routine has been upended and you have a baby on top of that.

Hopefully you can plan some catch up trips to look forward to. Do you video call your mum? I used to, I would pop the tablet on the table make a cuppa and have a catch up.

Mind yourself and do let people know so they can support you.

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