Children fighting getting me down

[Littlemonstershelp]

Have a 3 and 5 year old (girl/boy). They are always fighting - pulling hair, hitting & teasing eachother. Always want what the other has. I'm constantly having to police them. I try to be a gentle parent but some days it really wears me down and I lose it. The constant 'x did this, x did that' over and over again. They are good around other children, it's just eachother.

Is there anything I can do to help them get along or is this my life until they leave home?

When they do play well (about 20% of the time) it's so great. I wish they'd do it more.

I have similar ages and often feel like this; I find that getting them out helps as they seem to argue less when out and activities or games led by me; tiddly winks was a surprising hit recently. On the rare occasion they play well without me I make the most of it. I also do a lot of talking about how siblings look after each other and they should be looking out for each other.
I also try not to get into who did what and both get punished if they hurt each other and are separated. Interestingly that seems to draw them together to then decide I’m the unfair one….

Don't humour any of the he said she said blah blah. A very firm 'stop fighting or we will not be having pudding/watching tv/whatever treat' my dds are 3 years apart and this worked for me.

Once you crumble and a portion blame to one child over the other it falls apart.

Sorry to say mibe are 10 and 6 and still like this, constantly arguing have to constantly be separated

I found a technique from the book ‘Siblings Without Rivalry’ that to my shock works about say 60-70% of the time with my kids who are 5 and 3.

I come into a room and they are fighting about a toy. I saw ‘ok there is one teddy and two kids who want it. How are you going to solve this problem?’

I started trying it when they are 2 and 4 and nothing happened, they’d keep fighting. Now, to my shock, more often than not one will propose something like ‘I’ll have it for a minute then you have it for a minute’ or even ‘you can have it’ or ‘I’ll play with its legs and you play with its arms’ or something like that. The book is old fashioned but worth a read. And do try this technique, I kept trying and eventually it started working.

Or just divide and conquer, get them both doing different things

Refuse to arbitrate. Don't give it attention; it makes it worse.

I liked the book sibling rivalry as well.

Praise when they get on or share.

Ask if they would welcome it if their sibling did what they're doing. Eg you're not sharing sweets, that means sibling won't share either when they next get some.

Bore the crap out of them by discussing the situation, while they calm down. Discuss how things escalate eg one annoys the other, that builds into physical fighting.

Reflect on your own experiences of sibling fights and conflict at the same age. It can be easy to get into adrenalin fuelled fight or flight rather than being a grown up.

Recognize that fighting is not failure, it's actually helping them develop useful skills to some extent, so long as they know where to draw the line and it's not constant.

If possible, have a routine that gives them both 121 time with you so they don't feel so much like they're in competition with each other.

When my two were fighting, gentle parenting did not work. I'd be strict and say 'fighting is not acceptable' and send them both off. I never took sides, never made one apologise to the other (unless it was something pretty drastic) and told them I didn't want to get involved and they had to sort it themselves.
There was one day when I decided that they couldn't be in the same room at the same time (they were a bit older than yours are now) if one was watching tv and the other came in, I'd yell 'no no you can't come in. Dc2 is in here! You'll have to wait till they finish'
Even 'no, you'll have to eat lunch when dc1 finishes so go and wait in the living room'
They realised how unpleasant it was and not how they wanted to live. They're tween and teen now and get on really well.

Oh yes, the fighting! Mine were the same, but actually could easily be the best of friends too.

They are better but not perfect now at 11 & 13, I console myself with the fact that surely it can't last forever, I mean DS isn't going to wrestle with DD on her wedding day? Right?!

@TokyoSushi That last sentence made me laugh out loud