Feeling guilty over nursery days

[Yellowee]

I’m on maternity leave currently with DS2, who is 4mo. I’ll be returning to work just after he’s 9mo

we have our 2.5yo DS. He was in nursery 4 days, with my mum on a Friday. I dropped one day and went part time pre DS2 not only so we’d get some time the 2 of us before new baby but the plan had always been I’d drop a day and have them both on those days, nursery 3 days then my mum one day.

now I’m grateful for the time my mum had DS , just under a year. However she was a bit unreliable with me having to take lots of last minute annual leave. I asked her should I put him in nursery the extra day as I can’t keep taking short notice leave. She got annoyed and expressed she loves baby sitting him on those days (her day off in the week) let her keep doing it

i took her word but I went on maternity so I have DS the Fridays she usually would obviously as I’m not working. But as DS is approaching 5 months I’m feeling like we’ll need to speak to our nursery and have them in that day.

she keeps saying how hard it’ll be. I’ve expressed numerous times I’ll ask nursery about them going in an extra day as I need to ask asap really due to the funding coming in meaning more people will add days on / send their kids in.
shes insisting she’ll have them both and to ‘let her think about it” but I can’t I really will need to speak and secure their places now before my return

This is fine it’s what we have to do. If I dropped another day it’d take a big financial toll so holidays and nice days out would take a back seat. It’d actually be cheaper for me to send them in that day than loose the days pay

but I just feel so guilty? I don’t know why. I think it’s because I financially got to a place where I could drop a day for DS and I loved it and thought how nice only in nursery 3 days then the 4 other days of the week are with all family

tje nursery is fantastic. dS1 loves it and I’m sure DS2 will! But I just feel weirdly guilty about adding a day on?

Sorry for the long post

to summarise basically do you have your kids in more than 2 / 3 days

should I feel guilty

If your mum is already letting you down with one child and can't commit for sure for both, apply for the place. Guilt is misplaced here

@Harrysmummy246 yeah my DH keeps saying this and I want to give her benefit of doubt but I can’t wait much longer. She’s being so aloof and I can’t get back to starting work and her then admitting she won’t do it

i feel guilt just because I feel like I should do more but if I drop another day it’s a slice to my income again and our holidays and days out which we love would be restricted a bit

And I love making memories and doing things so in my head I thought an extra day in nursery with kids their age , learning & playing isn’t so bad if we get to do a lot as a family outside of the 4 days

Sorry but you can't rely on your mum. I'd book the nursery now. If it comes to it you can drop a day after a term

I agree that if she's not reliable you're going to have to go the nursery route.

Is there any compromise here - could your DM do a half day instead that day, with a half day of nursery?

@WeightoftheWorld i did mention to DH about asking regarding that as I can work flexibly so finish 4pm, she’d pick them up at 1 so it’s only 3 hours technically

but he made the point again of me having to use a lot of annual leave to cover when she couldn’t do it , so it’d be half a day I’d be taking now

I would just put them in nursery as you need the assurance of reliable childcare. I don't think this should stop your Mum having them sometimes though - you could sell it to her as if she wants to have them for a half day or even a full day every few weeks on a nursery day that's fine, and she could also have them every now and then on your day off or a weekend to give you and partner a break. Different situation but DH works shifts so we paid for a lot of childcare we didn't always need, he would often have ds instead of him going to nursery if he was off, but equally it gave flexibility for him if he needed the time to himself or for chores etc.

If your mum isn't reliable do nursery and then have her take your dc out on a Saturday afternoon or maybe a Thursday for tea rather than childcare I.dont think you need to feel guilty about anything.

Secure that place at nursery, I waited a whole year with my mil to be told she's not actually gonna help me out! Really annoying. Just focus on your little family

Did you ask her?

My daughter is in 4 days a week and one with me.
We have no parental options for childcare and we made the decision not to ask either. My mum worked full time and a looked after my niece 2-3 days a week. She retired after 2 years as juggling both was too much so she just looked after my niece. I watched my sister have to hold her tongue about things my parents did that she didn't really want them to do as they were providing free child care. My sister and her daughter had to move in with them when my niece was 3 after her dad made them homeless so my mum was constantly on duty so it was beyond regular grandparents childcare.

We had 3 months without nursery when our nursery closed with 20 minutes notice just before we moved house. We were reliant on ourselves, an ad-hoc nursery and my mil travelling 250miles for childcare. I found I could never fully focus on work as I was always waiting for something to come up and have to jump back into the childcare. With nursery I know I can drop her off 4 days every week between 7.30 and 8.30 she will have breakfast lunch and tea. It will all be safe foods (she has food allergies that family aren't comfortable managing,). She does football lessons once a week has the option for Spanish lessons. It's hard work getting her out of the nursery some days as she doesn't want to leave. All of last year we spent most of our day off with my mum when she was recovering from a fractured back. Now it's every other week. This injury has taken her a lot longer to recover from than we ever would have imagined and even though she was fit and active at the time of the accident. Having spent 3 years as full time carer to 3 85+ yos her body still bears the scars of 65 years of life and hit her far more than she is willing to accept. I don't think she will ever be well enough to look after a child again for more than an hour or two all from a fairly unremarkable fall down the stairs. Things can chance in the blink of an eye with nursery there will be someone else.

I would absolutely prioritise reliable child care over family child care. If a parent is able to provide reliable childcare great but you have to look at their actions and not their words and it doesn't sound like your parents are able to give you that.

My dd went three days and 2 with my parents. My ds however , goes to nursery 5 days. He loves it to be honest, and I love it. My dad has the freedom to pick him up early if he wants some time with him, without the pressure of having to do it every week.
Just add a day on, it will be easier.

quite reassuring messages thank you all <3

something I didn’t want to say and sound like an ungrateful bugger was that I am of course so grateful for the childcare she has given but I felt she didn’t do too much with him. I know it’s hard of course I did suggest parks , it’s our go to of a weekend at least 1 park trip as it’s fun to get out and get fresh air and it’s fun for DS. She does try bless her but like a poster has mentioned you bite your tongue because of the free childcare.

I felt guilty like my boys should only be in 3 days then with at least 1 family member on the other days. But 3 days with me is better than just the weekend! And we have no kids in our family so 4 days there will be good for them to interact, play and learn

I wouldn’t feel guilty about extra nursery days if you child loves it. Mine runs in and looks forward to playing with all their friends. Our nursery is great and they do so much with them. I don’t feel guilty at all.

@Mrsjayy she offered and asked could she! Then she decided against it.

Ah ok @fairymary87 that's not fair she shouldn't have left you hanging on for so long.

@Mrsjayy yeah I would never ever of pressured her or ask anyone to care for her if they didn't want too. Happy for them to do as they wish. Not happy for me to be messed around

@fairymary87 you are right although maybe grandparents say they will babysit with good intentions but they really should think about it more.