I hate discipline... it's important, but I'm a softie

[Triffid1]

So not a major issue, but DS has broken the same rule re being out and about and contactable 3 times in the last 4 days. So I've just collected him and brought him home and basically, while I haven't grounded him as such, I'm extremely annoyed with him and we all know I'm unlikely to agree ot let him go out again today.

He's 13, has ADHD and so of course, he doesn't really understand. In his head, it's no big deal. He's upset and feels I'm being mean.

I know I'm in the right. One thing about Ds that has always been true is that the black lines need to be there, 100% enforced and completely clear. We just try to limit those lines to things that are really important - we don't sweat the small stuff (so my sister thinks I'm too permissive).

But I am such a softie. I hate him being upset. I know he didn't do it on purpose (which is also why we're not giving him a huge punishment). I have to stay strong - I'm fully aware that I need to be clear on the boundaries and I also know that this is the righ thing. But I keep wanting to make him feel better! Argh.

NO reason for this thread except I know there are lots of MNs who will a) understand and b) remind me why it's important!

If he didn't do it on purpose then punishment isn't likely to do much. Kids do well when they can.

Taking him home is sensible - but can't see the harm in having a chat with him. Would he be interested/able to join in with a conversation about how to avoid this happening again? I don't mean a 'will do better' chat, more something about ideas (from you and him) about how to stop it happening again.

Signed, fellow softie.

I actually think having a gentle approach is good for ADHD dc, I've read on average the child with ADHD will hear negative feedback 20,000 time more than an NT child growing up, and this impacts their self-esteem.
Like you say he does need boundaries for his own safety but can you work on making rules ADHD friendly.

Instead of talking about breaking rules and punishments, try thinking about it in terms of agreements and then consequences if the agreement is broken. For example, you both agree that he must be contactable of he’s out. He breaks the agreement. You tell him that as a consequence, you are worried and stressed, so to avoid the worry and stress, he has to stay in until you can trust him to stick to the agreement. That takes the moral judgement out of it while still reinforcing the need to manage his behaviour. Everyone, ND or NT, needs to understand that choices have consequences, so it’s a useful way for him to learn that.

Yup - we're not doing an actual punishment. I've collected him and brought him home. We have said that there will be absolutely NO flexibility on the "must have his phone, and it must be charged" rule as that's what happened today - I agreed to be flexible and he "forgot" and so he went off somewhere and I had no idea where he was or who he was with. So I'd say that's not punishment so much as a clear rule for going forward.

@Ratfan24 yes, I have read that too (I think on here) and it's 100% true. I think constantly yelling and punishing is completely impractical. I try to aim for very clear rules on certain things so that there's less fluidity that he simply struggles to understand or predict.

It's a nice day here and I think some of his friends are meeting up to ride their bikes so I might go down in a few minutes and tell him that if his phone is charged, he should go meet them. To re-emphasise that this is a rule and that if it's adhered to, there's no problems.

He's 13. Ask him what he thinks a good solution to the problem might be since he doesn't like yours. If he comes up with a reasonable one that you could agree with then ask him what the punishment would be if he broke his own solution. Make him think.

If he refuses then him you are going to superglue an airtag to his butt before he can go out ever again, and immediately go on Internet as though you are going to buy one. The look on his face might cheer you up a bit.

I think it’s knowing your kid. Yes boundaries are needed for safety and generally good behaviour. My friend has two. We’re very close. They call me their second mum 🥰 one is autistic and I’ve learnt him. If he messes up, shouting, removing privileges don’t do a thing. I leave him alone with his thoughts and he comes to his realisation and we talk. The girl, take her shit away and she’s all ears! My friends boy needs time to process then a consequence that follows if necessary. The girl needs cold hard boundaries because she’s a diva 😂

I think this isn’t a case of being a softie but finding a reasonable‘punishment’

I don’t think stopping him from going out is entirely fair in this scenario maybe as a warning no screen time after 7 etc

So don’t sound soft to me but caring but just don’t let him abuse your caring nature

It is really hard. My boys r still only little and I am soft. I know family etc judge me n think I’m too soft but my mum used to go APESHIT over the smallest things. I mean screaming shouting smacking apeshit. I don’t want to be like that and don’t want my kids first thought when anything happens to be like omg how can I hide this from my mum.

hes 13 so maybe chat to him about what he thinks went wrong and what could help and see if he understands why the rule is in place. I’m sure other ppl will will think a harsher approach works but each to their own !

In his head, he didn't "break" anything. He "forgot". I think all children struggle with this realisation that not doing something on purpose, doesn't mean you're not still responsible. Probalby worse in the context of an ADHD child. But I quite like the overall suggestion - ask him what he thinks I should do or the rule should be. Although I suspect he'll think that the rule is that I shouldnt' worry about him!

As a mum you will probably know if he is using forgetfulness as a get out of jail free card, however it is one of the main problems of ADHD so if I thought that forgetfulness was actually part of the problem I would be very understanding of that part of it and look for solutions.

@Ratfan24 Yes, I am very understanding that forgetfulness is is part of ADHD. And also of being 13. But at the same time, I'm very clear with DS that he has to come up with tools to manage this because "I forgot" is not always going to cut it.

One thing, now I think about it, is that over the holidays he often doesn't take his medication. As he's not, usually, hugely impulsive or hyperactive (inattentive ADHD) both his doctor and us are fine with that. But perhaps this is actually a sign that it's not okay, that he does need to take the meds, even when he's not at school if the meds will help him to make better decisions and/or not forget.

Would writing out a time line of what has happened over the last few days that have resulted in him not contacting you as agreed and together work out where the intervention could be put it so that he can go out and but is still able to keep you informed on whereabouts.

If it's an uncharged phone is a problem take a bit of control and introduce routine charging that you instigate- whilst eating dinner maybe. Would a rechargeable battery pack work as back up.

Remembering to message you, could you set an alarm on his phone mid-afternoon as a prompt to send you a brief message even if it's just a thumbs up emoji. I grew up premobile phone and the code to let my mum know we were ok or got where we were going was to phone the house phone and let it ring twice before putting it down. As an adult with mental health condition which means I often can't hold on to things I need to do I have alarms or calender events in my work diary for every thing I need to do. They can be too easily silenced though... I have water plants every day and they get done once or twice a week!

You don't need to "punish".

Natural consequences work much better and you've applied those.

Out and about and don't respond to messages = time out and about ends.

I've always maintained punishments which don't actually have any relation to the "crime" are pointless. It doesn't teach the person not to do it again o change their behaviour.

My friends and I were discussing last week how detention when we were at school was to do homework you chose not to do during your free time. It was a natural consequence to a decision.

Nowadays it's used for looking out of a window, forgetting a pen and forgetting to get a homework diary signed (when they use online systems to out homework on) - so 3 negative points - and what does this actually achieve?

I'm a greater believer that with freedom comes responsibility. I'd be using this to explain to ds why he needs to keep himself safe.

Quite honestly, he's actually very good usually at letting me know where he is and what he's doing. Remembering to charge his phone, less so (and he was at a sleepover last night). So I think today, no phone meant that he forgot his usual routine of letting me know.

But yes, the key here is to make sure that the phone is charged. Becuase as long as it is, then most of the other issues go away. And, if he does forget to call me, he can answer his phone or I can track him on findmy.

Can you also get a power bank for him? You charge it up nightly and give it to him when he goes out?

Or check his phone is charged before he goes out and then he has to charge it before pain of it isn't.

FWIW I would also look at google phones. Their batteries last for days!

@itsgettingweird "natural consequences" - that's exactly the approach I try to take rather than punishments. I find it far more effective and a lot less stressful for all of us.

Also positive natural consequences (he's just made me a cup of tea and amazingly, I'm feeling far more inclined to give him a lift than I was! )

He has a powerbank... hahahaha. Hollow laugh.

But yes, re the charging - totally. And actually, that was part of the issue today. He'd been at a sleepover so we negotiated a non-charged phone arrangement. Which of course, was a mistake for both of us. So the new deal is NO no-charged-phone agreements. Ever.

I wonder if he still might need more help. So you always have a charged up power bank and cord and before he goes out you ask if he has one and if not give him the spare. My teen is 17 so different I know but him not being contactable is OK just like my parents couldn't contact me back in the day (pre mobile)

Dd has ADHD. I understand she struggles with organising herself, BUT, that means she needs to find - with my support - to find ways of filling in those gaps.

If she can't manage a situation, then she can't keep getting into that situation. It isn't punishment. It is accepting that the current way of doing things isn't working, and we need to come up with a new way of doing it. Until then it isn't safe for her, so she can't go. As soon as there is a plan, we will try it out.

13 is still very young. You are putting in place boundaries to help him stay safe. If he can't manage those arrangements, then he can't go.out until you have jointly worked out other arrangements that he can manage.

I am not sure what he is doing that he isn't contactable? DD has always been able to answer when i call, even if it hasn't occurred to her to call me