SAHM or private education

[MotherOfLunatics]

I was hoping to get some advice/experience.

We're very fortunate to be able to live comfortably on my DH salary, however if we want our children to attend private school, remain living in the city. I'd need to return to a full-time work (currently on mat leave with DC2). I love my job but is rather stressful and requires long hours, DH also works long hours and often travels for work.

WWYD.
Return to work, stable income. Career that I've worked hard for. Private education for children. Close to family and friends.

SAHM. Less stressed, more time with children, avg. State schools locally. Countryside living.

It may very well be anxiety around leaving baby at the end of mat leave, but I'm really beginning to wonder if the sacrifice is really worth it or will our children prefer to have a mother that was more present.

Is there any middle ground? I'd be reluctant to drop your career entirely. Can you do freelance or contract work so you keep your hand in, but have more flexibility. It seems a bit pointless to me that you both work yourselves to the ground to pay for something you could get for free (school). State schools near you could change a lot by the time yours go, and sounds like you'd have the spare money for their hobbies and tutoring if needed.

Is that the only choice? How about you both go part time? In my company loads of parents do 4 or even 3 days a week, and you actually end up both having a work life, both having a great relationship with the kids, and all having more understanding of each other.
It also works out really well financially as you are in a better tax band overall, child benefit etc. Couldn't recommend it more if you can do it financially.

I vote sahm then part or full time once youngest is at school.

I wouldn’t make any rush decisions now.

If your salary pays for private education for 2 children and higher cost of housing in the city, even after childcare costs, it must be a good salary and career. You’ll have options.

Why not go back, perhaps part time, and see how you settle in. If you hate it you can adjust to find something that suits better.

To give up your career, and move, at the same time is a huge jump and I’ve seen it cause some significant unexpected unhappiness for the woman involved.

DH’s life continues as before but with a commute. Yours is entirely flipped upside down and you are away from all your support network. It’s very lonely to be at home all day in a place where you know no one and only have two small children for company.

You mention ‘average’ schools so you’re already not that happy about them. When the time comes and your kids are at schools that you feel are just ok, will you regret not having the chance to give them a different route? From your post I wondered if you might?

Is it an industry that you can return to after a short SAHM stint ?
How would your h feel about being the only wage earner?
How would you being at home affect your lifestyle eg holidays?

I’d look for a middle ground

If you don’t want to stressful long hours careers, how could you pivot to working PT.

You don’t want to be over stressed, but equally you don’t want to give up your earning power - and most people are happier / most marriages are happier if both partners have more going on than the kids

ALSO I really wouldn’t do a dramatic leap to the country, try it by renting for a year. People often don’t like it - if they do, most people prefer edges of a small town to the sticks. The sticks is very isolating for most.

I'm a sahm and my dcs attend a private school.

I always think that if finances were tighter, and we were more open about where to live, I'd choose to move closer to a top state school rather than pay private school fees. The best state schools can offer a very good education compared to private schools, perhaps not as good as the very best privates but certainly good enough to get into the top universities. So if you have a choice about where to live then I think you should be able to move somewhere with good state options and not have to pay for private.

For me being a sahm is about having a less stressful lifestyle and it's good to be able to take them to any after school and holiday activities they like, and not be rushing around. Weekends are pure leisure time.

I have voted career because frankly you never know what tomorrow will bring. Look through the Relationships board to see why.

If private education comes along with that then great, but in a world where so many marriages end, it is ALWAYS the SAHM who suffers the most. Protect yourself. And if your marriage is rock solid for the rest of your lives together then that’s wonderful, and you will both be enormously financially better off because you kept your (evidently quite decent) career.

I went for the second option, moved house to a good catchment area. My family had a very stress free life with lots of holidays, days out, meals out and unlimited after school and weekend clubs/sports etc.
My DC’s academic results were slightly higher than their privately educated cousins and we didn’t spend hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I would maintain (if not advance) career, as it keeps options open down the road. That doesn’t mean full time/full throttle- if you can go part time or find other ways to take a step back I would try that first.

i will say the situation in state schools ranges from okay to really not great at the minute, and I think will get worse before it (hopefully!) gets better. We started in an ‘outstanding’ state primary and it was dire - combined with emerging SEN one of our dc was really not coping, so we moved both to private. I think there are a wide range of state schools, and my experience may not be representative, but I would really hate to remove the option of a private school of your choosing if that is something that is on the table now.

I agree with other posters that now isn't the time for big life decisions, and that a middle ground of still working but at a less demanding job should also be on the table.

I have a 1.5 and 4yo, and work full time in a highly paid professional job, so my income more than covers the kids' nursery expenses/school fees (one of them starts private prep this autumn, the other next autumn in their kindergarten). However, I wouldn't stick in my job if it were making me miserable just to have private schooling - life is too short to be unhappy, are local state schools are perfectly nice.

We could easily live off my husband's salary alone (he earns multiples of what I do) but I enjoy working, being in an intellectual environment, and having time away from my kids! I personally would not enjoy being a full time SAHM, but that's a decision everyone needs to make for themselves.

I'm actually lucky in that because I've been at my employer a long time and am successful and established, they are super flexible. I work from home 2-3 days a week, and they don't mind if I come in late or leave early due to drop-offs, sick kids, etc -- as long as I do my job and do it well, they're happy. It's a unicorn job!