Friend always changing plans/ late- blames it on her baby

[FTM2024]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for your opinions here to see if I’m being reasonable or not. I’m pregnant and due in 5 months with my first. My friend has a 7-month old. She is always late and changing plans. Before she had a child, she was regularly at least 15 to 20 minutes late, sometimes making us miss dinner reservations. I would just know to show up to plans a few minutes late, and it was fine. Now that she has a baby, she uses him as an excuse for everything. Every time she’s late, she always says the baby had a blowout, or something like it. She never apologizes for being late. Again, I don’t get too bothered because I know there’s so many variables that go into having a baby, and I want to be understanding that things change.

I can get past the lateness, but what really bothers me is how she constantly changes plans. Say we plan to meet at 4 PM for coffee. She will text me at 8:30 AM day of asking me to meet at 10am instead. I’ll agree. At 9am, she will text and say nevermind, let’s meet at 1pm, then text and say actually 2pm or so. I’ll tell her that’s fine as long as I have an hours notice. Finally, she will say let’s meet at our original time, baby is ready to go, and will still show up late. I try to be flexible because I know she has a baby, nap times vary, etc.

Today, I did finally tell her that I don’t mind being flexible, but I like to have a time range in mind so I can plan my day around it. She responded that before I have this baby, I have to change that mindset real fast and learn how to be flexible. She said you cannot plan things around set times when you have kids. I was pretty annoyed about her response because it felt selfish. I feel like I’ve been very flexible and willing to change plans, but it’s not fair to expect your friends to sit around waiting for you to commit to a time all day just because you have a child. When I have my baby, I plan to communicate well if things are off track, and not keep people hanging. My other friends with babies are always on time. Am I being unreasonable here? Is it that hard to make and stick to plans when you have a baby?

If she had a newborn yeah I'd get it, it's can take hours to leave the house some days but at 5 months I would expect her to be on time, give or take a little bit lateness.

Sounds like she's just someone who is always late and having a baby in the mix has knocked her lateness further.
Some people don't see being late as bad.

Personally hate it, I'm always early 😅

Theres a difference between saying you'll meet at 4 and being 15 minutes late cos of the baby and chopping and changing the meeting time! That would really annoy me.

This would really annoy me, I’m always early. The early days with a newborn are hard and even leaving the house can be a challenge. A 5 month old should be a lot easier. Your friend is bad at time management and the child is making it worse, as well as being used as an excuse. When you have your own baby don’t be hanging around waiting for her, go out and make new, reliable friends.

Don't make plans with her, there are some people who are bad at time keeping and will always have an excuse

At 7 months old your friend knows pretty well what times work and what doesn’t. I have a 9 month old and if I’m running late it’s literally by 10 mins max. I try to be organised and have a day bag packed ready to go.

The fact her timekeeping was awful before having a baby tells me it’s not down to now being a Mum. Her organisation and timekeeping were awful as a solo human, it’s obviously now atrocious having a baby in the mix. I wouldn’t make plans with her to be honest…..or as an alternative, if you value the friendship could you meet at her house for coffee or vice versa? This may be easier too when your LO comes along. No hanging around coffee shops for her to be late.

It sounds as though her baby is now an excuse her poor time management / organisation issue and lack of respect for your time. I was never very strict with my kids routines but there was a definite pattern to their nap times so I’d just plan around it to within 30 mins or so and would just let friends know a rough time and then confirm by text when I was ready to go.

So don't arrange to meet her any more. There's no point. Her time is far more important to her than yours.

I think there has to be an amount of flexibility when someone has a baby/toddler. Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, you just can't seem to make it out of the house. Babies have blowouts, throw up on themselves and/or you, have screaming fits, suddenly fall asleep in random places... Then you've got your own stuff to sort out, baby bag to pack, etc. It's great having it all ready the night before, until you turn your back for two and a half seconds and your three year old has gone through it and ripped up all the nappies to use as beds for her Polly Pockets and you have to pack the bag again (and hoover up the mess, or the cats will eat it)... Sorry, might be projecting. 😂

However, this is ridiculous: Say we plan to meet at 4 PM for coffee. She will text me at 8:30 AM day of asking me to meet at 10am instead. I’ll agree. At 9am, she will text and say nevermind, let’s meet at 1pm, then text and say actually 2pm or so. I’ll tell her that’s fine as long as I have an hours notice. Finally, she will say let’s meet at our original time, baby is ready to go, and will still show up late. She's not respecting you at all here. One request to change the time is understandable but not all this chopping and changing.

If I were you I would: never plan to meet her anywhere with reservations; just let minor lateness go (say up to 15 minutes); and respond to any requests to change the time with "sorry, I can't do any other time today, let's rearrange for another day!"

Being late absolutely can be baby related. Changing the meet up time 4 times in such a short time is mum related.
Periodically babies change but I learnt quite quickly that the most reliable time for me to leave the house without issues was 10am so I booked things for then.
Until she dropped down to 1 nap at 13 months lunches weren't an option as she had a short awake window between her two naps.

Yes you have to adjust and not all babies are predictable. Some of her excuses will be valid but others possibly less so

She is a person who likes winging it though the day instead of rationally moving through it. If you meet with her, you need to keep this in mind so you know what behaviour to expect.

Her comments to you are ridiculous. How come you are at her mercy to decide a time to meet, yet somehow you're the inflexible one. Yes, one must be flexible with a baby. But her behaviour that day was just irrational and wholly unfair to you. Having a baby doesn't give her a license to disrespect your time like that.

In my experience, I’d let the friendship go. People of that mindset will never acknowledge the inconvenience they cause others, and value their own time much more highly. I let this kind of friendship go, and it was the biggest relief. She’s continued in her approach, and continued losing friends. It’s perfectly possible to be on time with a baby. I assume she turns up to midwife/ HV and medical appointments on time…