Sleep training advice - feel burnt out.

[Hoplittlebunnyandpleasepleasestop]

Hi ladies
those who have sleep trained their babies - truthfully how did you find it and what methods did you use?

my DD is 6 months this month. She has only ever contact napped. I have tried for a while to get her to nap independently and for a long time I just felt mean and as though I was going against what she needs but it’s taking its toll on me and I need to make a change.

health visitor came round for a weighing and check in, and explained that even though you shouldn’t sleep train before 6 months, DD needs to learn to settle herself which is something she’s can’t do. HV advised me to lay her down in her bed during the day and hope that she’ll nod off. However, this isn’t something my DD will do. She needs to be rocked, sang to, and patted, before she’ll nod.

i have tried the following:

• habit stacking (hasn’t worked still have to rock)
• laying down with me next to her doing pat and shush
• putting down when drowsy
• putting down when asleep

at the moment I rely solely on the sling. However, I can’t sit down when she’s in it as she wakes up, so it takes me a while to get her down and then it’s just not worth the risk of sitting down and having to do it all again just to get her back down I’m all caught up on house work etc as it’s all I can do while she’s in the sling.

she doesn’t fall asleep in the pram anymore and doesn’t fall asleep in the sling if I’m out for a walk - she only sleeps in the sling when I’m rocking back and forth, bum patting, and singing Snow Patrol songs.

to be completely honest I feel utterly burnt out. My DH works away from home so I do everything on my own. DD is completely reliant on being on me and being rocked. Even my parents can’t get her down and they were the only other people I relied on. A lot of people said to me it’s a phase and developmental and she will grow out of this but she’s actually gotten worse - she doesn’t even sleep in the car anymore, she would rather rub her eyes and cry uncontrollably when in the car or pram, than she would sleep. She will only sleep when I put her in the sling.

I know I probably sound awful for moaning but honestly I just want to be able to sit down for 2 minutes. I’m on my feet from 6am when she wakes until 7pm when she goes to bed - then it’s a case of doing myself dinner, getting showered, and straight into bed. I know this is expected with children to be on your feet all the time, but I expected this when my baby is a crazy toddler running around, not at 6 months when she’s so evidently tired but just refuses because she wants cuddles.

I have never been someone who wanted to sleep train - I’m actually a bit of a soft touch and I give in extremely easy. But I just feel so burnt out that I think it is time to at least think about sleep training. Every time I have managed to get her down without being on me she works out in a few days that she’s napping somewhere else and will then start to refuse, so all the effort goes to waste.

advice is completely welcome (even if it’s not something I want to hear lol!) but please for the love of god no one tell me to carry on with sling naps. It’s fine when someone doesn’t make you feel burnt out, but I can’t keep up with something that is really affecting me.

One of my daughter's allergy and reflux symptoms were not being able to be put down.

She didn't not contact nap until 9 months and she still needs a cuddle to sleep at 3 but so do I at 37!

For us her sleep is so intrinsically linked to her allergies and reflux. When they are bad she only sleeps whilst being held when they are ok she sleeps through the night because of this we have never sleep trained. It was around 6 months I learnt the phrase "touched out" and I have never learnt anything before that so completely related. She was in my arms for 23h a day and I wanted to claw my skin off. I found it so important at the weekend to have time where I wasn't being touched by another human and took solace in long baths (unless interrupted). For me it meant I was close at hand if dad needed help but not so close that I was default parent.

I can't comment on the sleep training but do have a read about being touched out and setting aside time at the weekend for not being touched.

Maybe have a read about silent reflux and cmpa to see if there is anything there. It was only by doing lots of diaries detailing everything about her day that I realised within a few hours of me eating something she reacted too she needed and absolutely needed to be held and paced around.

Thanks for your reply. DD did suffer with bad silent reflux as a newborn but has had no issues since and doesn’t show any signs of any reflux or uncomfortableness.

she sleeps through the night which is great of course, but absolutely I feel touched out during the days. It is really hard for me to have any time to myself as DH is away from home majority of the time. My parents come round when they can but not often enough for me to feel relaxed, ever!

i love cuddles myself but sadly it’s just not feasible anymore. Even pram walks she will cry in the pram until i get her out. I live near a motorway with lorry’s driving past so it’s not safe to get her out and she will just cry and cry until I’m home and can’t pick her up and rock her down. I thought as she got older this would change but the need to be with me / on me has actually gotten worse.

there’s no CMPA allergies as this was checked when we had the reflux concerns but she hasn’t suffered with reflux and doesn’t show any signs, since her newborn days.

How does she sleep at night? What’s the difference?

Where does she sleep at night and how do you get her to sleep?

My DS1 originally napped anywhere - pram in noisy coffee shop etc but when he got more alert (6 months ish) then naps were in a cot in a dark room until he got in a good routine, then I could do some in a reclined pushchair with a snooze shade on for light and sound blocking.

Unfortunately cmpa can be only ruled out if a trial of no dairy has been made. At the point of diagnosis my daughters symptoms were not being able to be put down and having to be held all the time whilst being unsettled. I was told it was highly unlikely to be cmpa as she didn't have rashes or other symptoms. I now know she had loose stools but it was only when they improved this became apparent. In the end we identified 20 food allergies! Within a few days of going dairy and soya free I could put her down and she wasn't in my arms all the time.

I was told no allergies repeatedly for nearly 3 months before doing a dairy and soya free trial. A lot of my allergy mum friends had similar experiences.

@TooMinty She sleeps really well at night and she’s in a dark room with lullabies ans sleep sack. I have tried in multiple occasions to replicate this but she just won’t have it - unless it’s actually nighttime she just won’t go down like this and will start to cry and get worked up until I pick her up and rock her. At night, she falls asleep no problem and straight into the crib! It’s so strange.

Need to first clarify if any medical issues. If not, speak to a sleep consultant and do the sleep training! It is hard for first few days but so so so worth it to reclaim your sanity. Baby will ultimately be happier to be better rested as well. You need the consultant though rather than doing it yourself, if you think you're a soft touch, because they can help you emotionally get through (this is what I found anyway)
Sounds also like maybe baby isn't tired enough, you could also read up on wake windows if can't afford a consultant.

I feel like I am forever on this app preaching about sleep training but it genuinely saved my sanity.

There really is no magic key OP, it’s just about setting boundaries and following through. There are lots of gentle sleep training techniques, and it looks like you have tried some of them, I can only assume they failed because you ‘gave in’? Assuming there is no silent reflux etc you just need to stick to your guns. A sleep consultant can empower you do just that.

I think you’re doing the right thing to try and get ahead of this as it’s likely her sleep cycles will change and she will stop sleeping through the night at some point. Your mental health is important too so please do not let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to sleep train.

Have a look at 'just chill mama' on Instagram. My daughter was ok for naps but awful at night and the sleep course helped.
Good luck OP, I hope things improve for you. Really sounds like you are in the trenches at the moment 🩷

Personally I'd check the fit of your current sling - there are Facebook groups that can help and advise if there is one that is more comfortable for either of you which may at least mean she'll fall asleep on a walk or you can sit down with her in the sling.

If you can afford it, I’d try a sleep consultant. You need to look after yourself. Especially if you’re mostly solo parenting

What’s the daytime schedule? Often the naps are really hard work if they’re overtired.

one of mine was not good at napping out and about, she liked her bed and peace and quiet but with white noise! Far too stimulating.

6 months is a funny time because of weaning & transitioning to 2 naps. I’d go for a wake time of 2 hours so if waking up for the day at 7, start to settle for the nap at 8.50 and just keep an eye on when she wakes up.

do the same routine for every sleep and she will get it.

milk
change nappy
close curtains
White noise on
sleeping bag on
into cot

if she’s unsettled, go in, quick bum rub but keep in the cot if at all poss and leave. Only intend to be there for 30 seconds and then give her another couple of minutes. Give her the opportunity to settle herself. Repeat for all naps for a week and she’ll get it!!

Hi,

Come across your thread, I'm probably going to be to harsh 😂 having said that I was where you are 3months ago but I was co-sleeping in the night to 🙈 so literally I had no me time, was exhausting to say the least, I did the cry it out, there really isn't anything else that will work, but to literally just put down walk away, repeat, the process, it will work I promise, and it won't hurt to cry, it may seem harsh but I promise she will be okay. A few days and it'll be the norm, and she'll forget she used to nap on you 😂🙈 xx

Thanks so much for all of your replies!!
definitely no medical issues. The reflux has all subsided and she’s actually happier being off all the medication!

a couple of people mentioned wake windows and overtiredness. Honestly this is the biggest issue I face. I watch wake windows very carefully and I’ve tried shortening and extending but both have failed miserably. If I’m watching wake windows and she goes in the sling she’s out like a light with a bit of rocking and snow patrol (but then to get her to have a good nap that’s where I’m stuck stood up for over an hour!) However, if I’m watching wake windows and I try to put her down in her crib or on the sofa (I sit next to her never leave her alone) that’s when the overtiredness kicks in as it takes so long trying to persevere that she gets over tired and ends up in the sling anyway (again that’s where I’m probably not strong enough as I cave in when she starts getting upset as I know that she’s over tired and nothing I do will probably help!).

by the end of the day I just feel exhausted and honestly wonder if there’s anything left of me as I’ve walked all my calories off marching up and down the house scrolling through MN!… or reading baby sleep blogs!!

I’ll definitely try sleep consultants as I think that is my best bet. Any particular one that is recommended?

im not sure im strong enough for CIO just yet 🙈 but i may need to if all else fails! @Tasha0429 xx

The key is to just not cave. It is truly short term pain long term gain but each time you go back to the method that’s working for her but not you, you might as well have not bothered.

@Hoplittlebunnyandpleasepleasestop bless you 🥺 it's so exhausting, mentally and physically, remember you have to look after yourself to be able to function and look after baby to, and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, (although it's not cruel) and crying won't harm I promise, but just having that you time will help you massively. Be kinder on yourself, but most importantly remember your doing amazing regardless ❤️ what ever you do, you know best, big loves xx

@Tasha0429 did you do CIO as in leaving them to cry until asleep? Or like Ferber where you check in every few mins?

I went in and checked every few minutes, but I did it silently after putting him down the first time if that makes sense, I led him back down and then left again, and repeated. It was a quite quick process to, the first time was the worst, then second wasn't half as bad, and then was a few minutes and straight off, now he goes down and straight to sleep no faff xx

Start with the morning nap, it is the easiest to get. Try pick up put down. It can be long but worth it.

And read Emily Oster on sleep training. It will reassure you that it doesn't harm baby.

@Tasha0429 sorry to sound stupid! What does led him back down mean? And how did you do it silently? Do you mean just patting him until he was calm again without being verbal or shushing?

What time does she nap during the day generally. I would bother with wake windows at this stage. Just set nap times each day. So say she wakes at 7am, 9am nap 45 min-hr, then 12:30/1 for two hours then cat nap at 4pm ish.

I'd start by doing this every day in sling if needed to build body clock the. Once she is hitting them do sleep training with cot.

I'm a sleep consultant and is a common problem. Had a boy start last week with exact same problem and slept really well at night. He's now doing brilliant naps alone in cot. Still a few things to work on (night feeds x2) which we are cutting out. Well cutting one of them, he's only 14 weeks. No CC needed yet anyway

So the first time, I would give him a love and say sleep time now night night, or whatever haha, then when I went back in I wouldn't speak after the first time nothing, I would just gently lie him down, I'm forgetting here not all children are crawling 🙈😂 ect, maybe if they don't move, roll ect, pat there belly and repeat. Sorry if that still doesn't make sense, but they say once you've already put them down and said night, you don't speak after the first time if that helps 🙈 but it works I promise xx

@Tasha0429 oh yes sorry that makes sense. Yes mine is 6 months and an awful sleeper. Wakes every couple of hours, needs rocking feeding etc

Oh bless you, I would literally do the same method, and I promise a week and it'll be over, Be strong! In the long run it's worth it. They forget really easy at this age, so it'll be over within a few days and that will be what they remember, best thing I ever did! Xxx