Toddler is burning me out and I feel like a terrible mum

[Crystalights]

Just as the title says. I have a 2 year old and 5 month old and currently on maternity leave.

i feel like the most shit mum in the whole world to both of them and I can’t possibly meet both their needs at the same time. I end up just doing what my toddler wants because his melt downs are worse than the babies. I’ve done next to no tummy time or playing with the baby because my toddler demands so much of my attention. I attend just one baby group a week with my 5 month old while my toddler goes to my mums for a couple of hours, and while we’re there he just falls asleep as it’s the most peace and quiet he ever gets 😢 all his naps at home are interrupted and he is just dragged along with us because I HAVE to get out of the house as much as possible otherwise my toddler is climbing the walls.

I absolutely love my toddler to bits, he’s a beautiful boy but omg he’s so demanding and I can’t keep up with him any more. He is loving and sweet but he is loud and boisterous. He has started throwing toys, kicking, loud pitched screaming, slamming doors, you name it, and he thinks it’s all hilarious. No matter what I do I doesn’t stop! I tried talking calmly, modelling how we should handle toys and close doors etc, he ignores me and carries on till I eventually lose patience and start shouting.

I’m worried my poor 5 month old is going to be a nervous wreck if he’s not already 😢💔
when my dh is at home from work things are so much easier as he is brilliant. But most of the time it’s just me. I have resorted to booking my toddler into nursery a couple days a week even though we can’t afford it but I honestly think he needs to be in a different setting with new people and toys, activities etc.

did anyone else find going to childcare stimulated their toddler more? I feel terrible

Forgot to add my mum also looks after my baby for a couple of hours a week so toddler gets some 1-1 time with me. We take his bike out, park, adventure walks, soft play, swimming, everything he loves and we have the best time. But he just burns me out :(

when the baby is trying to nap he goes up to him and shouts or screams so he wakes up and then laughs! I feel like he knows full well what he’s doing. I end up losing my rag and being so annoyed cos it takes bloody forever to get the baby to sleep !

This was me!
In fact, I suspect that this is true of most people who have / have had children with a similar gap. It sounds to me that you are doing everything you can at a tough time. Your toddler has had a big transition and is a toddler - his behaviour sounds pretty standard. You are modelling what you would like to see eventually, getting one on one time with your baby when you can and giving your toddler a variety of experiences. This sounds like pretty good parenting to me. But
The reason you are finding this hard is not because you are a shit mum, it’s because it’s really really hard. So try to be kind to yourself, both your children sound well loved and well looked after. Get rest where you can (ha ha) and just do the best you can with the tools you have. Accept all help that is offered without guilt.

BTW my two are 11 and 9 now. They have been fine, despite the chaos of their early years and having the most amateur mum in the world.

I've only got 1, an 18mo and he's as knackering as your toddler sounds. Major respect for having a baby to look after too. Just wanted to send a hug and hopefully someone comes along with advice for you. There's a reason I always say im one and done, I don't think I'd cope😆 hopefully nursery will wear him out and give you a smidgen of peace☺️

It's not you, it's the age gap! It will get easier, just do what you need to get through the day and they will soon be playing together and you'll get a couple of tea (or two!) in peace.

I've been where you are, believe me, I know it's hard! This morning my 10 year old brought me a cup of tea in bed and made breakfast for the younger two. Then they played together for an hour while I drank the tea so......it doesn't last forever, and you're almost definitely not messing either of them up.

thank you so much for your kind replies. I honestly welled up reading them. I love them both so much and just want to do my best for them both but I feel like a failure most days :( :(
have I made a mistake with this age gap? There’s only 21 months between them and we planned it this way 😵‍💫I don’t know what we were thinking

Please don’t feel like a failure. We all have an idea of the way parenting should be, but the older my kids get the more I realise that you don’t have to ‘do’ parenting. Keeping everyone alive, fed and loved is enough and all the stuff on top of that is a bonus.

I had appalling post natal anxiety and constantly felt like a failure. Whatever I did I felt guilty and like I wasn’t good enough. But they have survived, thrived even. It gets so much easier when you don’t have to have eyes on all of the time. Like a previous poster has said, there will come a time when they play together and make you cups of tea. You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to those early days but actually looking back, I wasn’t failing, I was managing. Some days with more grace than others. But I wish I could have accepted that at the time. I would have been happier.

Oh and defo no mistake with the age gap. There are pros and cons with all age gaps. My friend used to refer to the ‘two under two’ thing as front loading the stress. Awful at the start but once they start playing together it’s a god send.

No advice but you're describing my 2.5 year old little boy I have a 3 week old baby! My worries are exactly the same as yours, I don't know how I'm going to cope when their dad goes back to work in a week!!!