Neurodiverse mama feeling a little bit alone

[TiredEgg]

I'm not looking for advice, just need to know I'm not alone and someone else understands. Maybe a bit of a rant too.
I am a solo mum to a beautiful chaotic 25MO little boy (dad has never been involved).
For context I have adhd and autism, plus a spine condition called axial spondyloarthitis that causes me a lot of pain and fatigue when I have a flare up.
I work 2 days a week to balance the budget and my parents help me where they can, but my son is noticeably a handful with a significant speech delay, so much so that the HV has referred us to pediatrician and a some talking walk in groups for support as he's displaying ND traits (not surprising given my differences, I was semi prepared for this even before I had him).

To make my circumstances work I get up at 5am everyday to fit housework, washing and cooking in before he wakes as he's very demanding in the day and needs my full attention at all times, and then I continue once he goes to bed. There's also constant repairs I have to do as my son can be quite destructive in a meltdown and I rent.

Taking him anywhere alone is almost impossible as 1 or both of us will almost certainly experience overwhelm or sensory overload and my friends and family are amazing support for trips and stuff but I often can't help but feel like a burden or inadequate.

My house is tidy most of the time, and always clean, but it's a daily battle, and it never seems quite as "done" as everyone else I know with kids, it's always just OK.

My spine condition means I have to dedicate a little time each day to stretching and light exercise to keep my mobility and a wholefood anti inflammatory diet is essential to reduce my symptoms so food prep is the second priority after my son. Basically there's a LOT I have to fit into my day and I always manage, but my heart hurts from constantly just managing and not thriving.

My son has everything he could possibly want and need and is so loved and stimulated, but I feel like it's often at the expense of self care or rest for myself.

Are there and other ND mums going through similar and can offer a little solidarity and confirmation I'm doing OK?

TIA

Oh wow you sound amazing! You are coping brilliantly and seem to be very good at being organised and proactive

But as you have found there is still that mental struggle with it all and that is totally normal even without a ND child.

I have a ND child and I struggle everyday with his diagnosis and how it really isn’t fair - this is my weakness and I know I need to overcome it as it’s destructive to my own wellbeing.

I will never be able to change his deficits yet I continue to wallow.

Life will never be perfect but with the right attitude and wisdom everything will usually be ok.

Wishing you and your son all the best and more

Thank you so much, its really hard in a world where everyone seems to have beautiful cream homes and endless disposable income and kids thar sit still haha

I hope you find peace, ND kids are so rewarding but we give so much of ourselves for them to thrive xx

I suspect I may have ADHD and am a LP with no involvement from ex. I found the early years unbelievably tough. All I would say is cut yourself some slack. Focus on the small ways you can improve things rather than trying to change huge things. 1% better each day adds up! Your house doesn't need to be perfect, you can buy yourself whatever gadgets that could help you a bit. The only way I found through was focussing on changing what I could and cutting myself slack on the general stuff (if you don't clean as often it is ok!). Getting out meant going to the local shop or even around the block some days. Doing a full on journey into town can be too much when there's so much on your shoulders so reduce the expectation that you should always be doing stuff. But getting out of the house at least once a day for even just 5-10 mins is ok. Decluttering like mad is also helpful. It does get easier in time I promise.

You're so right, thank you for sharing, everybody I try and vent to looks at me like I'm an alien 🤣

It’s been a while since I’ve used it so not certain but if you’re on Peanut then I think there’s a ND group on there that’s quite active.

Oh wow I had no idea! I'll check I out! Thank YouTube!

Thank you* hahaha

You sound like you're very stretched but doing an amazing job, honestly. In a few months your DC will be eligible for free hours and make sure you take them all, but research nurseries/childminders carefully as some are better with SEN than others. Keep making time for little things that help you, such as the stretching and the moving and the diet. I understand that supervision of your child is probably even more full on than most but it won't hurt them to climb on the sofa, watch tv or even look at a tablet while you get yourself sorted.

It does get a bit easier, I promise.

Thank you Hard! Everyone here is so kind Hard to not beat yourself up when you do things for yourself isn't it!

OP, you sound like you're doing a grand job.

I'm a lone parent with Autism and ADHD parenting 12 year old DD who also has Autism and ADHD. We both also have physical disabilities. One of mine is spine related.

It's so difficult when out and about as yes, like you said, one or both of us will likely get overwhelmed.

Take today. 10am eye test appt for DD. Two separate small dark rooms to be shut into while the pre tests and main tests are carried out. Choosing and trying on the glasses in the main shop. Phone ringing constantly while the assistant takes our details, signatures, process and then paying for the order on the shop floor. (I couldn't concentrate at all) The whole while, a queue of people were glaring at me as the shop was short staffed. We didn't take too much time, but obviously, it takes the time it takes while an assistant places the order. I did wonder at one point if I was being glared at because I was sitting around with my lanyard on some of the time. Maybe they thought I was a lazy assistant.

Thankfully we have been able to hide away indoor out of the rain rest at home for a couple of hours. I can sort of laugh now, but at the time, the sensory overload was almost too much. DD coped rather well today. I do joke that we play 'turns each'

Anyway, sending solidarity.

I think this is literally the most relatable thing Iver ever read, shops send me under, you and ypur daughter are superheros!
Thank you for sharing

When dd was a toddler, some days I thought I would just break. I wasn’t a single parent either, I have a partner.

But I’m ASD and have a chronic health condition. I was raising a toddler who would eventually be diagnosed as ASD. She was absolutely full on, needs attention every second in a way that other children just weren’t. I would also find myself overstimulated and on high anxiety during outings. That would increase my pain levels. She barely slept which meant I never got a good nights sleep or a break during naps.

people would judge my parenting. They would judge me for being overwhelmed. They just didn’t understand that our situation wasn’t the same as an average household.

it did get easier though. The main thing is that I developed some confidence. I realized that parenting how my child needed to be parented was helping her absolutely thrive. I started noticing that some of the people around me who were judging my parenting were not responding to what their children needed in the same way and their children were struggling because of that. They had societal support for their approach, but that still didn’t make it good parenting for that particular child.

also, dd got older and less clingy. As she got more independent, I got back a level of calmness that I had been missing. She was still an intense child that needed intense parenting, but I got more physical and emotional space which for someone with ASD is so important. I was also able to take advantage of the fact that she was insanely logical for a young child and able to understand rational arguments for why things needed to happen, as long as I was willing to take the time to debate her as she looked for loopholes.

she is a teenager now and we have a wonderful ND household. Things are pretty easy at this point. Dd understands her condition. We talk about our needs openly.

so I know it is cliche, but it very often gets better. I know some children have profound needs and that isn’t true, but for many of us as our ND kids age, we discover that we are perfectly primed to be their best advocates and teachers so they really do well.

You know I think it's deep down a little hard to accept that the dynamic in an ND household will always be different to the non, sometimes for the better, though mostly just a bit more stressful.
Thank you so much for sharing, it's really helping to hear it gets less intense eventually, the overwhelm can be crippling