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Original poster

DSD doesn’t want to come to our house

36 replies

deckbelow · 08/04/2024 23:49

Hi guys,

Could do with some advice if anyone has experience of this (either as parent or professional).

Background : DH has two children from previous marriage. I’ve been married to him for 6 years. DSCs spend alternate weekends and 1-2 weeknights each week with us, and half of all school holidays. Their life at our house vs life at their mum’s house is very different - different parenting styles. We are on the stricter side and their mum is on the more lenient side. Their mum has a history of trying to prevent us from seeing them - she tried to apply to court to move them abroad, and we recently had to apply to court for half the school holidays as she kept refusing DH's requests for extra time.

Current situation : DH picked DSCs up yesterday to spend a week of the Easter holidays with us. He took them out today on a day trip, sounds like they had fun by all accounts. DSD (age 9) had a regular activity this evening and so DH took her along to that. During the class she apparently started crying (DH found this out later when he went to pick her up), and saying that she didn’t want to come back to our house because she gets shouted at a lot (an example she gave from today was that she got told to take her headphones off when somebody was speaking to her - there was actually no shouting involved, as confirmed by her brother).
So tonight she’s at her mum’s, who says that she’ll ask her tomorrow what she wants to do.

Question : what happens now? What should we do? It’s not like we want to force her to go where she doesn’t want to go, but equally she’s just a kid who prefers the house where she’s maybe not told off as much and is that really a basis to not see a parent?! Obviously either parent asking her what she wants to do isn’t going to clear anything up as neither parent is impartial. Do we get professional people involved and if so, who are those people and how do we go about it?

OP posts:
BettySpaghettio · 09/04/2024 00:00

Who is doing the stricter parenting? Is it her dad or is it you?

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:02

I wouldn't have returned her to mum.
Dad can comfort and then talk through her feelings and the event.
She's safe and 9.

evertheblue · 09/04/2024 00:03

keep right out of it - her parents need to sort this out between themselves

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evertheblue · 09/04/2024 00:04

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:02

I wouldn't have returned her to mum.
Dad can comfort and then talk through her feelings and the event.
She's safe and 9.

this. Her dad has set a precedent now.

gorillalala · 09/04/2024 00:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2024 00:05

I think a child should be able to decide where they want to be.

Keep an open invitation for her to visit but I’d respect what she wants.

gorillalala · 09/04/2024 00:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LiterallyOnFire · 09/04/2024 00:06

Huh? Why the name change fail?

Original poster
deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:09

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:02

I wouldn't have returned her to mum.
Dad can comfort and then talk through her feelings and the event.
She's safe and 9.

The 'teacher' at the class called her mum without DH knowing, so she was already there and cuddling DSD. DH didn't feel like he had a choice.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:10

deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:09

The 'teacher' at the class called her mum without DH knowing, so she was already there and cuddling DSD. DH didn't feel like he had a choice.

Show quote history

Does he have a CAO?

Original poster
deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:11

LiterallyOnFire · 09/04/2024 00:06

Huh? Why the name change fail?

I think because I changed on the website then logged in on the app. I've reported those to ask for them to be removed. Thanks for pointing it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:13

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1
Yep

OP posts:
whatapickle12 · 09/04/2024 00:13

Let her parents sort it out between them. I think at 9 she should be able to choose where to stay. It must make you feel so powerless as a child to not have an opinion as to where you spend your time.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:15

deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:13

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1
Yep

The he needs to grow a pair.
He absolutely should've stepped up and said that she was coming back.
He is an equal parent. That was his time and he should've just thanked mum for coming, apologised for the confusion and said he'll take it from here.
Him allowing it means the order hasn't been breached.

Remaker · 09/04/2024 00:19

I’m not a SM but my brother had 2 DD from a previous marriage who had happily visited him and his new wife and, later, children since they were a baby and toddler. Around the age of 9-10 both of them separately went through an extreme homesickness for their mum and would cry when going to bed every night. My DB did not handle this well IMO as he was super sensitive to mum being preferred over him. It was alleviated somewhat by our mum (kids GM) going to stay during visitation and she would happily lie in bed with the child til they fell asleep or have some special time with them. They were very different personalities and the second child was very independent and got on really well with SM and her half siblings so when she went through a nearly identical stage it really seemed like it was more hormonal/developmental rather than a child having a preference for one home over the other. I know I would have hated being separated from my mother as a child.

Original poster
deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:20

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1
Nobody is saying the order has been breached. I don't think he lacks 'a pair'. He made a decision in the moment to not have a face off and drag his upset daughter away from her mum and to deal with it tomorrow in the light of day when emotions were lower.

OP posts:
Original poster
deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:30

I don't really understand people saying that a 9 year old should be able to choose where they live.

If a child was living with both parents and just decided they preferred to stay with their cool aunt or a friend's house, would that be considered ok?!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/04/2024 02:53

I think your DH set a pattern. Now every time she is upset she'll ask someone to phone Mum and go there when she should be with your DH. He should have collected his DD and took her back.

buckingmad · 09/04/2024 03:03

caringcarer · 09/04/2024 02:53

I think your DH set a pattern. Now every time she is upset she'll ask someone to phone Mum and go there when she should be with your DH. He should have collected his DD and took her back.

But if both parents were living together she might always go to her mum when upset. Why should she not get to be comforted by the person she seeks most comfort from because her parents have split up?

Octavia64 · 09/04/2024 03:44

Kids will often describe a telling off as shouting even if no actual shouting is involved.

She may be going through a time when she is feeling wobbly for whatever reason. It might be worth upping the number of positive things that you and DH say to her to reassure her that she is loved and wanted.

It can be easy for kids to equate being told off with not being wanted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2024 03:49

Octavia64 · 09/04/2024 03:44

Kids will often describe a telling off as shouting even if no actual shouting is involved.

She may be going through a time when she is feeling wobbly for whatever reason. It might be worth upping the number of positive things that you and DH say to her to reassure her that she is loved and wanted.

It can be easy for kids to equate being told off with not being wanted.

This. DD often says I 'shouted' when she means 'was slightly peeved'.

OP are there joint children?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/04/2024 05:38

deckbelow · 09/04/2024 00:30

I don't really understand people saying that a 9 year old should be able to choose where they live.

If a child was living with both parents and just decided they preferred to stay with their cool aunt or a friend's house, would that be considered ok?!

The second bit of your post is a bit of a long bow and a silly response, but then so is the general idea that it's appropriate for a 9 year old to chose if they go to the non residential parents house or not.

The court might take the views of a 9 year old into account or they might not, they certainly wouldn't just say a 9 year old can chose. Certainly by early teens, maybe earlier, but not at 9. It isn't appropriate to put that sort of decision on a 9 year old. Ideally the parents would work together on this and listen to her without taking sides and workout how to move forward but sounds like that's not an option.

I'd never move my kids away from their Dad and do a lot to foster their relationship with him, but my DD who's 11 can't cope with a week at his place. I went against what she wanted and my better judgement trying to be 'fair' last holidays and it didn't go well and has actually made her feel she can't stay at her Dad's for as long as before. She's ok with the very occasional 4 nights, but would prefer 3 max. She is not comfortable talking about this with her Dad and Im sure he blames me for this, but it's not about me at all. Personally I could really do with a longer break.

Doing a week might currently be completely overwhelming and cause her to go backwards like it did for my DD. It might be worth discussing with her what she feels comfortable with and how to work towards longer periods. Maybe for now two periods of 3/4 nights a couple of days apart might be better. Maybe her Mum will have an idea on how to facilitate the same amount of contact in a way DSDs comfortable with.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2024 06:01

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 09/04/2024 00:02

I wouldn't have returned her to mum.
Dad can comfort and then talk through her feelings and the event.
She's safe and 9.

This

Now gone back to mum once

Will keep happened and mum will say you can't stay with me if don't want to see daddy

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2024 06:04

Tho as teacher rang mum
, his contact details need to be on all groups /schools etx

sashh · 09/04/2024 06:27

You as a couple are stricter than mum but how strict was your DH when he was married to her mum?

If she didn't have to do things at home with dad but she does now then that would be hard for anyone.

I realise that a 9 year old will be expected to do more than a three year old.

I also think you need to reevaluate what you want and expect v what the children want and expect.

You said she doesn't want to be at your house, I realise this might just be for a word used for accuracy, but does DSD see it as your and DH's house? It should be a home for her.

Has puberty kicked in for your DSD, I realise that she is young but do not underestimate hormones.

I used to teach, when I taught older teens / adults we would make a 'class contract' which was behaviour expected from students and from me.

So in a school mostly phones are banned, but if you are a single parent you might need to take a call, so we would agree what was and was not acceptable, so in the case of a parent I would ask them to sit near the door and leave the room before answering.

You could try something similar with DSD (and other children) and you and DH agree to certain things too.

Things like putting clothes in the laundry basket. Does it really matter if clothes are on the floor for a couple of days? As long as they end up there at the end of the week?

Clearing plates, could that be a job you do in rotation? One person sets the table, a different person clears the table and wipes down? So if there are 4 people in the house you each set and/or clear the table ones or twice a week.