Advice regarding very clingy baby

[ChestnutTB]

I have a 5 month old baby and due to financial reasons I am looking to start back working a couple of days a week soon. She will be attending nursery two full days a week from June but up until then she will be looked after either by my brother or my dad's partner for around 4-5 hours a day, two days a week. The only thing that is worrying me about going back to work is that she is exceptionally clingy and screams hysterically (it's more than just a normal cry, she lets out an ear piercing scream repeatedly) until I take her back. I wanted to see if I could get some advice on how to transition her to being looked after by other people.

This started roughly when she was around 3 months old out of the blue, people she would see around once a week e.g. my brother (who she was fine with before) she would start the screaming and crying and continue on and on until I took her back. I have never really left her alone apart from an hour with my brother and sister and they did get her to calm down by using the TV as a distraction in the end😣She does this with everyone so I know it's not related to something they could have done.

However saying that my partner today took her to his dad's whilst I stayed at home and apart from about 10 minutes of whining at the beginning she has been fine with them today smiling and playing. I am starting to think that maybe what makes her worse is when I am still there? I am not sure on what the best course of action is over the next few weeks to try and get her used to not being with me all the time, do I try and get her comfortable with people whilst I am still there or is it better to leave her and then go?

I just feel like I have spoilt her already and I don't want her really stressed out because of the way I have looked after her so far😕 she is my first baby and she had very bad colic until she was finally diagnosed with CMPA about a month ago so in the early days I was holding her most of the time as she cried pretty much all day. I kept being told I was going to spoil her by holding her too much and I think I have. 😳

Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has advice regarding the above I would really appreciate it as It is stressing me out and would like to set her up as best as possible for starting nursery in June! Thank you

Responding to your child's needs and looking after is not "spoiling your child" OP.

The "advice" about spoiling babies is really outdated. You cannot spoil a small baby by giving them too much attention - in fact, this creates a secure attachment and gives them a safe space.

I totally understand your concern. I have a velcro baby who became a velcro toddler. My advice is to lean into the clinginess while you're around your baby, and let her stray on her terms. It's mentally draining, but IME this is actually the faster journey through the clingy phases.

I didn't have to separate from my son when he was a baby, but this year I had to send him to a childminder for the first time. He's 2.5 and had never been cared for by anyone other than immediate family. I was in pieces at the thought of how he would handle it. And honestly... he was TOTALLY FINE. I went to give him a cuddle and he was all "okay Mummy, bye". I walked out in shock because he didn't through a fit.

In terms of the actual leaving her, I would say don't draw out the goodbye. Give her a cuddle and a kiss, "mummy will be back at dinner time", then GO. If she's screaming, don't go back. I know it goes against instinct, but let the caregiver handle it. Almost always they settle in a few minutes. Like you said, if you're not around it's no problem.

From what you've said, better to make a quick exit. She's with your family, she's safe and will have a great time. Don't feel a second's guilt. You haven't spoilt her, she's just used to you and probably finds it confusing if you're around but not holding her. Sure it'll be fine once you've left.

You've not "spoilt" her op, it's good she's attached to you, babies are supposed to have a secure attachment to their main care giver. Cuddling and responding to them grows their brains. She knows you keep her safe and trusts you.
Some babies are happy around other people some aren't. Most develop seperation anxiety around 6-7 months and younger babies can suddenly cry around family members they know. It's all normal.
She will get used to being looked after by your family members.

@ChestnutTB I feel your pain. My boy is a little older but has pretty much never been left except with his Dad and only very recently even then. I have left him asleep with a friend and once when he was awake and he cried and grizzled the whole time and was hysterical when I came back.

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks and not sure how to handle him starting nursery. I don't want him to be traumatised but I have no choice but to go back to work and there is no one else to care for him. We can't afford a nanny.

You definitely haven't spoiled your baby. Having a secure attachment to you is a good thing - it's just hard to know how to transition them to being cared for by others isn't it!?

Thank you for all your replies today. It's been a bit stressful as my dad and his partner came over to see her again today and from the moment they walked in she was crying and screaming again. I went upstairs out of the way for 45 minutes to an hour and the whole time she was hysterical (other than right at the end when they finally managed to get her to take a bottle).

Unfortunately it is my dad and his partner who keep telling me I've spoilt her (I had the same lecture today saying instead of thinking I knew better than them, I should have listened to them in the first place🙄) I am a little concerned about them having her now as they left her in the swing the whole time to cry so she'd eventually cry herself to sleep. I'm not sure I can relax for four hours picturing her crying by herself as they think picking her up is giving in to what she wants. I appreciate I am probably being a bit precious about it but It's really stressing me out thinking about how upset she gets. 😫

I wouldn't be happy about them having my DD at all.