Feeling awkward around another mum whose child is wild and undisciplined

[MichaelFlatleyLordoftheDance]

Has anyone ever met another person (parent), become friends, then you get your kids together and you suddenly realise their children are feral? 😂If so, how did you handle it? Did you ghost them? Did you just flat-out tell them you don't want to get together anymore? Did you discipline the child because the parent isn't?

Perhaps there is more to it than you realise. Just maintain your friendship with them and leave your children out of any meet ups.

I didn't invite them to my home any more. ("When someone shoes you who they are, believe them"). The friendship gradually petered out.

There was no SN involved. It was a case of a parent who considered everything the child did and said to be charming/ funny/ and people who didn't see that had no imagination/ were hopeless squares.

The child found her tribe eventually, sad to say.

Yes I have a friend like this, her son is a nightmare tbh. He’s home schooled which definitely works for some kids but not him. Theres no boundaries or discipline and he’s actually feral.

I just stopped accepting play dates and never invited them over. She got the message pretty quickly!

@TheSnowyOwl Yes, thanks. Future meet ups might just be coffee and a chat, sans kids. I totally agree that there could be a lot more going on, but after about a dozen play dates all being very stressful it's definitely best to keep the kids apart - at least for a while.

Thanks @Queijo and @mathanxiety I have been feeling very uncomfortable and awkward about this. I appreciate that I'm not alone in this situation. Thanks for your responses.

We’ve stopped seeing them one to one or having them over. Happy to see them in groups but I keep a close eye on the children. I don’t blame them, they’re nice people but we weren’t close before they became parents, they were keen to spend more time together, and we tried but DD doesn’t like him and I don’t blame her given what’s gone on.

They’re are issues in play but my child’s safety comes first and I don’t trust them to be on top of things to stop other kids getting hurt.

We just stopped seeing them tbh. My dc didn’t appreciate being punched and kicked and I found the meet ups with screeching, whining, aggressive children very stressful.

They were not my tribe.

We stopped inviting them over and only meet up for adult nights out.
We did feel guilty as its a close friend, but my kids hated seeing him, constantly getting hit and kicked! Oh god and the tantrums were too much!!

Yes I have this in my family. It’s difficult. Bear in mind that when someone chooses to let their child grow up feral, it’s because they actively believe in this and think they are parenting brilliantly. They’ll have read lots of ‘gentle parenting’ etc on the internet. You can forget about disciplining their child for them, that’s like trying to teach religion to the children of an athiest (or vice versa) and the parents would get angry at you as they believe ‘discipline’ is bad for the child.

It’s so sad for the child who ends up losing lots of friendships and not understanding why.

My child is pretty undisciplined

I've had a shit week of it

Am i a terrible parent?

Im not a gentle parent. I just have a feral kid

Im sick of telling her off. Over and over.

@catonmyback - you need to impose consequences that either (1) matter to the child or (2) make the behaviour less impactful (e.g. going to their room - screaming and kicking there impacts other people less)

What is the reason your child is undisciplined?

Unless your child has additional needs, which you've deliberately omitted, in order to have a "gotcha" moment if someone suggests a child should behave a certain way?

If you have an NT child, and they are undisciplined, then yes, it's your job as the parent to address this.

Yep you just stop seeing them. It’s just not worth the angst. My now grown up kids tell me that they hated being forced to play with those children too - they found it stressful.

Yes I have this problem. Its so hard, although the parent feels bad about what is happening. From my side I would deal with the behaviour in a different way. It keeps happening, so I am just keeping some distance with kid meet ups. I can't keep putting my child in that situation knowing it might happen again.

Discipline, or teaching your child to regulate their behaviour appropriately, is the job of a parent yes. And it’s not something you have a week off from, it’s the love, support and self control you model from day one.

My friend (and yes we are still friends 17 years later) her two children, had no sense of rules could run around a restaurant - she didn’t believe in the word no or boundaries. The house was chaos and I couldn’t cope nor could my daughter.

I managed the friendship to just focus on our friendship and we are still friends! Her children have both grown up - eldest one done amazing at uni and her second about to start - both really lovely!

I doubt they would of actually read about gentle parenting on the internet if their kids are actually feral, sounds like they are practicing permissive parenting?

Yes. And after a birthday party , my child backed away. It was embarrassing as I considered the parent to be a good friend.

I've had this. It was stressful and embarrassing.
It gets easier as the kids get older and parenting differences becomes less obvious.
In the meantime you can manage things a little by holding playdates places where the bad behaviour will matter less.
A walk in the woods rather than a visit to a museum. Her house rather than yours 😉