7 year old bedtime problems

[LumiK]

I'm at my absolute wits end with my 7 year old.

She's never been great at self settling since she was a baby.

We did eventually when she was 5ish get to a point where she would finally go to sleep alone. For whatever reason my husband went back on this at some point and we are now back to square one, she will not settle without us in the room. She has a nightlight, the option of white noise, a cuddly toy, we are right next door (house is like a bungalow) but she will not go to bed on her own. We're now facing screaming and tears because she won't go to bed by herself. Before you jump on me for this, bear in mind that some nights when we've stayed with her, she wakes up the minute we move to leave the room and we are held to ransom by her until MIDNIGHT. We are just at the end of our rope. I'm considering just getting in the car and leaving. We have no life after dinner. It's all about getting her to bed and being called by her every few minutes. We've spoken to her about how she needs to do this because she is old enough now that she's done it before, she'll never been allowed friends to stay if she can't do this one thing and she just keeps saying she's not ready, she will be ready but won't say when or what the problem is. SHES SEVEN YEARS OLD. MOST KIDS DO THIS AS BLOODY TODDLERS! I have no idea what to do to stop my every evening being wrecked by a kid who won't do the simplest age appropriate thing.

Hi this sounds so tough. I don’t have any experience in this but the way I see it is independent of child’s age sleep deprivation and always worried about how the night will go is soul destroying. You’ve been doing it for many years so no wonder you sound shattered!

it may be a silly question but what happens when you leave the room? As in I see she wakes up but is she distraught is it anger/fear?
on a very basic level does interval check ins work with her, or a chart of some sort so she can call you x amount of times. Each time she calls you tick a box and set a maximum eg 10. She might then consider if it’s worth wasting a call out. In that case of course you have to hold your boundary once a max has been reached but at 7 I think she would understand that

forgive me if these are silly solutions- I have a 6 month old and a toddler so no experience first hand!

Have you tried bribery? Working towards a particular gift? Does she play on her own in her room during the day?

Does she have tech? Because imo dc who are old enough to have it can manage to get to sleep alone... Incentives op. ..
Or leave her to dh every single night if this is down to him.

We had a lot of success with the 'what to do when you dread your bed' book at that age. Tough but it worked. We ended up taking it in turns sleeping on DDs floor on a camping mat with duvet/pillows etc then inching the mat a little further towards the door each week until it was on the landing. It worked over a period of 2-3 months.

Hi, my DD is 7 and I felt like this but we've reached a compromise recently which might work for you (or not..!)

She loves audiobooks (currently obsessed with famous five on Spotify!) and so I got her an Alexa device and she asks it for a story and then I just mentally thought- I don't care if she's awake till 2am I just want her to not come out 😂 On Alexa she knows she can call down to me in the kitchen but (and I realise I'm jinxing this massively because it's only worked a couple of weeks...!) she hasn't left the room and she's been asleep when I've ventured up (quietly!) at around 9....

@Pinklilly when we try to leave the room, even if she'd fallen asleep, she'll wake up and call us back. If we leave, she will cry. It's not anger so much as fear or upset but she won't say what the problem is. Interval checking would just keep her awake, as she would stay awake waiting for us (from experience)

@TeaKitten we did the working towards a gift the first time and that worked. This time I've promised her one of the teepee sleepovers with her friend but it doesn't seem to be working. She does play on her own during the day yes, in fact she sometimes asks for us to leave her to play alone.

@Daffodilsarentfluffy she has a tablet but we're limiting use of it right now due to behaviour

@SmallestInTheClass I'll have a look at that book!

@mynamechangemyrules she has a google nest thing which probably works the same way. She's not really done audiobooks, we tried Moshi Monsters once but she just stayed awake listening to them and calling to us! That was a while ago though. My fear is she still won't go to sleep but I see your point about keeping her in her room as the initial priority!

I really like the suggestion of limiting the calls. I am impatient and no direct experience but my kindness and patience doesn’t stretch far. Is it possible to put her to bed earlier so maybe it’s over earlier? Hopefully her going to bed earlier will be not what she wants then you can explain you going to bed so late because of her behaviour is not what you want. If she can go to bed a little later and sleep you’re down for that. Maybe that might work?

I wouldn’t use a sleep related thing as the prize, when she’s lay feeling anxious at night because she wants you she won’t be wanting a sleepover anyway. We had the prize wrapped up in the living room. Combined it with agreeing to cuddle and then go make a drink and say I’d be back in 10 minutes, then I’d come back and cuddle and then leave for the toilet, she learnt I was around and coming back, and after days/weeks (what felt like forever) I’d ‘forget’ to come back. It was a long road but we got there! My DD sees her dreamcatcher as a magical shield too.

@EG94 Yes the limiting calls is a good thing! We've been putting her to bed a bit later in the hope she'd go to sleep quicker if more tired but the way you suggest explaining it is pretty useful.

@TeaKitten she is desperate to have a sleepover but I take the point! I might try the "oh I need to go let the cat in" and coming back much later...

It might not work I have no kids but I believe a consequence which is less attractive than the action works as a good deterrent!

my SC have no bedtime at home. Here it’s 9pm. When we say bed we mean bed. Once and it’s only been once I went upstairs at 9.40 for a wee they were fucking about. I said oh you’re still awake but we said bed. Yea we don’t go to bed at 9 in mums house. Ok in this house it’s 9 and tomorrow you can go to bed at 8.20 seen as you wanted to twat about for 40 mins tonight you can loose it tomorrow.

bed means bed. We’re strict on this because sometimes we go up 15 mins after them 😂😂

I know you said she wakes when you leave, but how long is she taking to get to sleep initially - is she trying to fight it?

Sounds tough.
I'd recommend having a look at the Supernanny stay in bed technique on YouTube. It's really good at showing the reality of it and how to execute it successfully.
It's all about consistency.

Are you giving her attention when you are in the room with her? If so, try being in the room but be really boring and unavailable. Sit at the end of her bed rather than by her head. No chatting or words, just a calm quiet "I'll stay here but close your eyes now". Engage as little as possible and ignore crying.

Or you could also try talking to her, but from outside the room. Find jobs you need to do, folding laundry, ironing, etc. So you are busy but chatting and calling out to her from outside her bedroom. She's reassured you are there but you are not so close.

Then also, how is she with a babysitter? Have you tried? Could you leave her for a night or two with someone who she trusts and feels safe with, but who will not sit with her, to break the cycle?

You must be exhausted and I sympathise!

@AuntMarch she takes a long time to fall asleep, she has done for quite a while despite the usual routine, no screens after dinner etc

@MrsPatrickDempsey is that the "bedtime darling", "bedtime" then saying nothing and taking them back? Remember watching her back in the day. Think we could do to hire her!

@HoHoHoliday I don't engage with her when I stay in the room, but I think my husband does. I tend to have less trouble with her waking when I leave but it still takes a while for me to be comfortable that she's asleep enough to escape. We've not used a babysitter as such but she does stay with my mum sometimes. I'm actually away with work overnight next week and I'm kind of buzzing for a night in a hotel, which I know sounds awful. My Mum stays in the double bed with her and goes to bed when she does - so that's not especially helpful however that's what works for her.

I have the same issue with my 5 year old. Currently lying next to her and ignoring her. It's 12:17am ☹️ I'm so tired of it! She takes hours and hours to fall asleep