Anxious and overwhelmed by parenting

[teaandkittehs]

I have a lovely 15.5 month old girl and I am terrified of spending time with her. I make sure I never withdraw or disengage because it would trigger a slippery slope, but the thought of each day makes me so anxious. I just panic about what to do with her. Her father is a very active parent and his 12 year old son lives with us 90% of the time, and he just never seems to spin out or panic about parenting. I'm afraid of the long days with my little girl, I find it much harder to amuse her than he does, it is such hard work for me and I have to plan and replan what I'm going to do with her, plus have a back up plan because I'm worried she won't enjoy it or will get upset and frustrated, and when doing things with her instead of enjoying the moment I am anxiously watching her to make sure she is enjoying herself, and trying to pretend I'm not anxious. She seems happy and securely attached to both of us, she shows no preferences yet although I expect she will at some point and it's not going to be me. I hate myself for never being able to relax into this. I am the main breadwinner but we have flexible jobs so share the parenting quite a lot. Whenever I get into some sort of rhythm with this, she changes and develops and I lose grip on what I'm doing again. I don't think I am cut out for parenting and I'm just going to struggle until she's older, and she may hate me for it. Please don't tell me everyone feels like this, I just don't believe everyone feels terrified and out of their depth all of the time. It can't be normal to panic about spending time with your own child. What I do with her tends to go well most of the time but it takes so much work to pull it off and it's just not like that for my partner. I keep crying in secret about how shit at this I am.

I used to get that feeling of panic and dread at the day ahead, it was when I was exhausted and needed some support really. I had PND and post natal anxiety though, could this be the case for you? Are you sleeping well? I think you should make a gp appointment and tell them how you feel, they can help you as you sound really low 💐

I would just aim for one outing a day even just a little walk, do you have any friends with children or family you can visit ? Toddler groups? Time at home doesn’t always have to be lots of activities, I’m sure she’ll just love playing anything with you and when you need a break use the tv? Some days won’t always be great and you’ll get the tantrums etc but that won’t be because of you or your parenting!

I've always had insomnia so I pretty much live on a rotation of sleeping pills, but i am waking in the night recently whereas the pills had been largely getting me through. I have considered that I might have PND, the anxiety really seems to have ramped up over the past two weeks since she learned to walk and dropped to 1 nap on pretty much the same day. I try to get her outside to the park in the morning, and do an activity in the afternoon. I feel guilty as i find parenting quite monotonous, too. And it's so relentless because we are raising her at home while doing our jobs at the same time. I'm worried if i tell a doctor they will just try to give me antidepressants and i don't want to start on a journey that will see me taking them for maybe months or years, when this might be solvable without that. But i have a doctor appointment for insomnia in about 18 days i guess i should be honest then. I really appreciate your response, thank you.

No it's not normal to feel worried to this extent.

Have you considered getting professional help for anxiety ?

Your child WILL be unhappy at some points in her life. You can't make her happy everything single minute of the day. Part of parenting is accepting there are hard decisions and situations to deal with and parenting is about learning to get more and more comfortable with those uncomfortable moments.

You can plan activities, sure - but it's normal that she's changing and that things go wrong. Tantrums. Crying. Missed naps. Not eating properly. You can't control every aspect of every little detail. You need to let go and realise that the chaos of a misfortunate outing in the playground, with tears and push backs, is NORMAL. Feeling this anxious about it happening isn't normal.

We've all been there to a certain extent but you coming here and realising you are struggling is a good step in the right direction.

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling so anxious.

Is there a reason you want to make sure your child is happy all of the time? Maybe something to do with your own childhood?

It's hard but I think you need to reframe the way you think about spending time with your child. It's not about keeping them happy and entertained all of the time, although that's part of it, but it can't be done 24/7. If your daughter never experiences sadness/boredom etc when she has you to guide her through it, how will she know what those feelings are and how to deal with them as she gets older?

The worst thing that can happen is that she cries/tantrums. Oh well! They're fairly easily distracted at that age.

I'd recommend the books 'the book you wish your parents had read...' and 'how to talk so kids will listen' to give you some confidence and tips to manage things.

I also agree with PP that it might be a good idea to speak to the GP re anxiety and see if you can get any help through them.

All is well OP and you're doing great xx

It sounds like you function in life by being in total control. Babies/toddlers strip you of that control and that is really hard. Have you had any counselling?

Oh love, take a deep breath.
it’s not your job to entertain your child all day.
uour job is to help your child just be. To feel comfortable in their own skin, to be at peace with boredom.

you are thinking your job is to entertain. It’s not. It’s absolutely not.

your job is to let your child fill space. Feel the silence. Feel ok with the lack of distraction
let go. Step back
your need to fill their space is because no one let you get comfortable with the silence

Ah no it's not a control freak thing 😂Its the huge responsibility for a tiny human. I think I identify more with the comments that are telling me that I am not responsible for her total amusement, rather than the ones who assume I have a need for control. I don't need counselling, although CBT might be worth considering as it actually addresses anxiety and offers tools and solutions to address it. No, nothing bad happened in my childhood. I'm just way more shit at this than my partner and looking for advice and solidarity.

You sound like a lovely, loving mum.

But no, you don’t need to invest this much energy into occupying her all day long, it must be exhausting for you.

You are clearly feeling really anxious though so it’s probably worth thinking about how to tackle that. Just out of curiosity, why would disengaging trigger a slippery slope for you?

I think that if I engage in any avoidance behaviour, it might quickly became easy to do it more. And I want to get better at parenting, not worse. More than anything I just want to relax about it and enjoy her because she deserves it. She's a lovely little beast with her weird little ways :)

You are trying way too hard! Parenting is mainly about making sure they have enough to eat and don't kill themselves - everything else is a bonus.

Being this consciously aware of what you are doing and is she enjoying it is massively over thinking / over playing what is actually necessary.

And as others have said, stuff going "wrong" - or another way to look at it is stuff going a different way to how you thought it would go - is all part of it!! Tantrums / tears / bumps - all part of growing a rounded human.

Just let it happen - do you let her just chill on a mat / in high chair with toys without a plan? Try to relax as you're doing a much better job than you think you are!

Do you listen to podcasts? Unruffled helped me set reasonable expectations for my role as a parent (engaged at meals, bathing, intimate care etc) but also allowing them to explore their own experiences and interests and not feeling responsible for everything. Also that feelings are human and normal and toddler crying etc is actually important learning experiences for them that you don’t have to solve.

I also like Raising Good Humans though you have to hunt for episodes about babies/toddlers.

What stood out to me the most from your post is that you work while looking after your DC. This feels an untenable pressure to me - so I really really encourage you to explore childcare.

We couldn't afford childcare until about a week ago so we've enrolled her in the local nursery for two mornings a week and she will start in July so that will help a lot, and she goes to her grandmother's house one day a week, so i think things will get easier then. Thanks though, I've found some of these responses very helpful and it already feels a bit better to be embracing the idea that I'm not supposed to provide 24/7 amusement. Its helped me relax around her a bit more, and to do some simple play ideas. We spent 45 minutes crunching cornflakes with our hands and feet on a tarp on the floor today and she's loved it. I think I've been trying too hard at times. It's been a bit tough as my partner deliberately kept his business small so he could work part time and do more of the parenting, as we need my wage to pay the mortgage and bills, so we've been a bit trapped but we've managed to get to the point where we can afford a bit of nursery and I think it will be good for all of us! I'm a lecturer so life is a constant performance with my job and little girl so it can get a bit much to always be front of house, and on display, and making the situation work even with reluctant parties involved.

I just want to comment as I found this post just now whilst searching for ‘panic looking after children on my own’. I can identify with much of what you’re saying. I’m not sure if it is the responsibility with me, it partly is but I have 2 under 5 and they are both full on. It’s the noise and mess and constant mummy mummy mummy, I can’t bear it and feel my chest getting tight and start to panic. I know it’s not right, sorry I can’t offer much help but happy to buddy with you in trying to help!

I'm not sure what you mean by "engaging in avoidance behaviour". Can you clarify what you mean?

Tbh I think you need to busy yourself more at home and leave her to it. Babies and toddlers don't need to be entertained 24/7, neither is it good for them.

Get her out in the morning to an activity like playgroup, swimming, the library, toddle about at the park and feed the ducks. Then in the afternoon try to have one activity that you want to fully engage in with her and give her a solid chunk of your time. That might only be half an hour to an hour, and that's fine. You've already been out all morning bonding at something (and you do need to get out in the morning, get out of those 4 walls for both your sanity!)

The rest of the time crack on with your housework or whatever and let her potter about with you. If you're doing laundry, give her a basket of socks to muck about with. If you're cooking, get yourself a little kitchen helper stand and fill the sink with soapy water for her to splash about in with some cups and spoons. Or dedicated one kitchen cupboard that can be a free for all for her to safely explore. Fill it with knackered old Tupperware you don't care about anymore etc. If you're hoovering, buy her a toy hoover to shove about.

Do a toy rotation where everything is at her level and change it each week. Stand back and let her explore by herself. Consciously take note of how much she can enjoy herself just exploring on her own. Let her have time to do things without your input or comments. She needs that just as much as she needs time down on the play mat playing with you.

Is your partner older than you, as he’s got a 12-year-old? Don’t forget that he was a first time parent once too - he’s got an unfair advantage on you in terms of parenting

I do think you might consider a low-dose antidepressant as a help, not some sort of long-term negative. Anxiety can be so crippling to deal with, if you take the edge off it then you get the chance to be in a positive feedback loop, not a negative one.

I had VIG therapy through a parenting service referred to it by my health visitor. I also had baby massage when she was younger to help with bonding also arranged by my health visitor. I had severe pnd.

Vig therapy works by having a question. Such as I don't know how to keep my child occupied. The therapist then does some filming of you playing together whilst you have a chat about being a mum and parenting. The next week she brought short 5-10seconds clips and some stills to demonstrate you engaging with them. We had 6-8 filming sessions per question and had a couple of sessions to discuss how it changed how I felt about my daughter and the question. We then worked on what the next question would be. I had this therapy for 18 months with a break for an admission to the mbu in the middle. It was very helpful for me. When we started I had psychosis that made me believe she wasn't mine and I was being forced to look after someone else's child who only screamed at me. I had a great bond when it finished at 2ys. It was the most helpful thing I had for my pnd.

I actually do all the stuff you've listed already. I don't think the issue is what i do, its how i felt instead. By avoidance behaviour i mean he would want to learn to drive but driving scares you, you can't just not drive in order to avoid what scares you are you will never learn to drive. Point being i can't choose to avoid spending time with my child simply because it freaks me out! I've actually found the comments about not having to amuse her 24-7 useful as i already said so i think I've got what i need from this now :)

No, he's my age. But yes he has done this before! I'm OK without antidepressants, i would rather fix the problem from the root rather than medicate it. A change of mindset is better than a dose of drugs for me :) as I've said, I've got what i need from the post now as quite a few posters have made me realise i am not here to amuse her 24-7 and that not everything will go well and to just try to not sweat it!

Sounds like a very full on experience, I'm really glad you could get the help you needed!

I guess it's overwhelming because it never stops, whether it's the responsibility, or the sheer relentlessness of it. . .

I just wanted to check are you trying to work while you have sole care of your child? I may have misunderstood but work and childcare definitely don’t mix.

My partner and i share the parenting but I have a professional job that pays the mortgage and bills so he does more of parenting as he has a small business and works part time, its maybe asking much as a 60/40 split.

Sorry op I’m not trying to make life harder for you but trying to carry out any paid work whilst caring for a small child just doesn’t work and will add to your stress and unhappiness. When you are not trying to work I would try to relax a bit and just let your child join in with what you are doing. You don’t need to be a 24/7 playmate

My partner does the majority of the stay at home parenting, so I only actually have her when I am not working. We've only just got the the point where we can afford nursery, to take the pressure off my partner a bit and allow him to build his business up, and she is going to attend two mornings a week from July.