Out of reserves with my toddler

[Beansandneedles]

My almost 3 year old is an emotional train wreck when I'm around.

I understand the line that it's because I'm her safe space/trusted adult. I am trying to see/feel the love and the compliment but honestly I am seriously drained and I don't have much else to give her.

From the moment she wakes up, legitimately the second she sees me in the morning she totally falls apart. If I'm in the room she is obstinate, angry or upset. She refuses to get dressed, brush teeth or eat even though she's hungry. If I suggest a toy she'll reject it, if I suggest most things tbh she'll reject them. So far I've been attacking most of the tasks with play /hugs and reverse psychology but I am tired. She won't even admit she needs the toilet until it's too late and she has an accident. I'm not sure when it got this bad but it feels like months.

If I leave the room she is agreeable, independent (takes herself to the loo for example), cooperative, friendly and seemingly happy. Currently in the lounge listening to her doing a puzzle with my husband and she sounds like the most angelic human ever made. I wish I got to spend time with that kid :(

DH leaves today as FIL is ill. I'm totally dreading it. I've got 10 days left till she goes to the childminder. I'm already completely at the end of my tether and struggling not to get exasperated and frustrated with her. Not sure how to dig deeper with it.

That sounds really hard OP. She is very little but can you let her know you can see she is angry upset what ever, but be clear her response is not ok and be firm but empathetic rather than the play and hugs as that sounds a bit confusing may be. I would back off from the routine things that spark her for a couple of days, model how you clean your teeth for example but don't push her on it and see what happens. Praise the genuine positive things no matter how small. Have low expectations of your self and her for a few days and can anyone just give you a break for a few hours?

A lot of what you said sounds so familiar, so like my almost 3 year old who can be awful. The other day I said 'I don't want to play with you because you're not being nice to me. I did want to play but you made me feel sad so now I'm going to read my book.' After a couple of minutes I got a kiss and an apology, along with a total behaviour change for the rest of the day.

The worst is the morning. Getting dressed etc. everything a battle. It's hunger related so have found the faster we get through that/force clothes on on some occasions, and the faster breakfast is had then everything gets better. Am tempted to have some snacks to be eaten whilst getting dressed.

Food, have had big improvements in eating since started requesting 'help' to make meals. Perhaps you could say as Daddy is away she needs to help you cook? See if that does anything,

It's horrible. You're doing well. It will get better.

Thanks for the reminder on this. Recognising and naming her feelings does seem to help more often than not but I don't always remember to do it 😅

The hugs usually come after I've explained that her behaviour isn't kind/acceptable. Or I've followed her instructions to leave her alone. Basically whenever she ends up sobbing we try to offer hugs at that point.

I'll give it a go laying off the nagging and see how that goes. Sadly if we focus on the positives (works really well for DS5) she will revert to the opposite of whatever we've complimented. Maybe reverse psychology is backfiring.

Ah well done finding something that works. It's so draining!! PP has reminded me that naming feelings can be really helpful. I think I'm just so tired that my brain has gone on strike.

Thanks for the kind words. Sounds like you're also doing pretty great tbh.

Ah op I used to spend many a time in tears by 9am when parenting my child at this age. It's fucking hard work when every single task feels like a battle. How anyone can take joy in it is way beyond me 😂 I still get a very mild version of this sometimes now she is 6 but reading your post has made me remember how bad It was a few years ago. The only way I got through it was knowing it wouldn't last forever, it was the only comfort. Although I am quite relaxed in my parenting and pick my battles wisely so tbh I probably avoid confrontations more than some people would, as I'm not so strict.

Hope things are going OK. Yes, some children don't seem to cope well with praise, perhaps just low key noticing rather than over the top praise. Does her dad back you up when he's there or bask in his halo of being the chosen one?

I used to find thanking them for doing something before they did it worked well sometimes. Kind if assuming it'll be done.

Look up parenting techniques for children with oppositional defiance disorder (not saying your child has this) but the technique may work equally well for a 3 year old desperate to find autonomy but without the skills yet to manage their emotions.
Working out their triggers (for mine it was being tired or hungry) and her behaviour deteriorated. She was a sleep fighter too.