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Parenting

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Original poster

DS only wants to play with girls

26 replies

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 19:51

DS5 is gentle and a bit of an old soul. He likes a laugh and to be cheeky but he's not really into rough and tumble play. I suppose he's introverted and he likes quiet activities best like drawing, colouring, Lego, board games etc.

He's not loving the playground as he finds the play generally a bit too rough. He tells me he feels more comfortable playing with girls because they are usually calmer. However I know he also views himself as a boy and wants boy mates. He does tell me he joins in with the boys but he can't run as fast as them, isn't as strong as them etc...

Has anyone else had a DS in this position when they were younger, how did things work out? First time mum and bit of a worrier. Just worried about his self esteem. Thank you

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SpinningTopps · 03/04/2024 20:01

I can't see the issue here at all.
Does it matter whether he's friends with boys or girls? He's so young, I think at that age it's great he's just going with who makes him happy.

My son is also 5 and sounds very similar. Very gentle, doesn't like rough and tumble, enjoys Lego, puzzles and chess etc.

He's friends with boys and girls, but the boys he's friends with are similar to him. He very clearly tells me he doesn't play with X because he is too rough.

I went to a party recently and couldn't believe how rough the boys were with each other whilst the parents looked on smiling with a 'boys will be boys' type of expression. If that's how boys play I'd rather my son play with girls!!

SpinningTopps · 03/04/2024 20:03

Sorry, missed the bit about him wanting boys mates and worrying about his self esteem.

I think you just need to reassure him that he can be friends with anyone, boys or girls and if he prefers how the girls play then that is absolutely ok.

Trinity69 · 03/04/2024 20:03

My son always gravitated towards girls at Primary (when he wasn’t following a member of staff around) and still does now at nearly 15. He hates all rough and tumble play (apart from with his Dad because he knows he’d never actually get hurt). It’s never been an issue.

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Thiswayorthatway · 03/04/2024 20:03

He’s 5, let him be.

MsPavlichenko · 03/04/2024 20:04

My daughter (27 this year) had a boy as her best friend throughout primary. Not as close at secondary but stayed pals and went to Prom together. Your son sounds similar to him. He was a lovely wee boy, and now man.

Notenoughdollarbucks · 03/04/2024 20:05

He’s 5. He’s fine. Let him get on with it. Sounds like he’s a friendly chap and has made some friends who enjoy doing what he enjoys doing at this age. That will change and ebb and flow. It’s great he’s identified what he needs from friendship and has found that. Rather than changing to fit in.

SavetheNHS · 03/04/2024 20:06

It's your job to make sure he sees being friends with girls as equally valid as being friends with boys. Girls are equal to boys and if he prefers to play with them then that's lovely.

HappyAsASandboy · 03/04/2024 20:23

Yes, my DS was calmer and softer and preferred sitting down games as a 5 year old.

He's 14 now. Plays football with the boys at break, but isn't a natural footballer and so isn't on the teams. He's able to fit in with most groups. He's an all rounder.

They find their way. Help him to navigate doing the things he wants to do now, and it will give him the confidence to do the things he wants to do later.

Original poster

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 20:32

So many helpful responses thank you!

I didn't express myself very well, particularly the title, I've got no issue with him playing with girls I just felt concerned he doesn't view himself as strong enough or fast enough etc to play with boys and the impact that might have on his self-esteem.

As someone said boys and girls are equal and that's the point. I will make sure he know this and that it's absolutely fine to just choose friends who make him feel good and he enjoys playing with.

Great to hear from Mums who had similar 5 year olds. Thank you

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LuckyOrMaybe · 03/04/2024 20:32

Mine was lucky enough to find himself with a couple of like minded friends from year 3 onwards. Music was their link but they were overall very creative - they had lots of ideas about making films together. Now university age, this week they are actually away with a group putting on a musical they have written (and jolly good it is too, I saw the first performance a few months back).

DS likes running and had a go at a marathon a few weeks ago. Team sports have never been his thing.

Original poster

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 20:34

@SpinningTopps oh I wish they could be friends! Mine hasn't really met any similar boys yet. Parties are awful aren't they?!!

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Crunchingleaf · 03/04/2024 20:38

In general the boys generally play with the boys and the girls play with the girls. However, there has always been and always will be those that do the opposite. It’s not something to worry about and to be honest the boys don’t get any less rough in their playing as they get older in primary they get more competitive if anything.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 20:40

My husband had mostly female friends at school. He is a gentle soul, prefers the company and conversation of girls and doesn't like boisterous boys at all.

A devoted father and husband too!

It is a non issue.

HauntedBungalow · 03/04/2024 20:41

If he's expressing sadness at not playing with boys, I wonder if he's picking up on notions that girls are lesser somehow or that there's something wrong with him. Not from you! But from elsewhere, little comments maybe. I'd focus on emphasising how nice it is to have friends to play with. Which is true!

They do tend to split into girls/boys groups to an extent at that age, although there's always a few who'll "cross over" - sounds like he's one of them. One of my DS was too - he preferred the games girls played so he played mostly with them. He did gain a few close friends who were boys at secondary but never really stopped getting on with girls like some of the lads did as teens and now at 18 he has a very mixed friendship group.

BippityBopper · 03/04/2024 20:47

My DS is the same. He's tried to fit in with the rough and tumble but he just gets hurt. He really doesn't like it.

I know how you feel. I don't want him to get picked on by the boys once he's older. Overall I'm just glad he has friends. The girls he is friends with seem lovely and less problematic than the dynamics with the boys at school.

He had great boy friends in nursery but the the ones in school just seem really into rough housing and DS is not like that.

Motherpro · 03/04/2024 20:48

My DS is five and only plays with girls.

I work at the same school so I see him at play times. Honestly, I'm quite glad he only plays with the girls. I've noticed that once they hit Year 1 and 2, the boys become very into play fighting and their games can become quite aggressive, I suppose. In comparison to when they were in reception, anyway. Also they play a lot of football which is fine but not all boys like football.

DS is much happier running around with the girls. He doesn't do play fighting and isn't 'boisterous'. Doesnt like fooball. He's definitely a boy and aware he is a boy. He just likes playing imaginative games with the girls like the floor is lava or whose turn is it to be the wolf?

There's nothing to worry about, really.

Motherpro · 03/04/2024 20:51

Just to add, there are a few other boys across year 1 and 2 just like him but strangely they don't all gravitate towards each other which I assumed they would.

They have their own friends (girls) who they play with.

Original poster

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 20:53

@BippityBopper that's exactly like my son. Good boy friends at nursery and tended to play nicely but reception has been a different ball game. I think he just doesn't want to get hurt and prefers games that are more interesting / imaginative as you say.

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Original poster

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 20:55

@Motherpro eek that makes me nervous tbh as reception has been rough enough he's been hurt a number of times when games with boys have boiled over and got too rough. I'm glad he seems to be figuring out who he likes to play with then. It's a shame the other cross-over kids don't play together! Odd! Thanks for your reply

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MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 03/04/2024 21:03

Thiswayorthatway · 03/04/2024 20:03

He’s 5, let him be.

Agree there's really no issue here.

Lanore · 03/04/2024 21:10

Yes exactly like my son. We had bad luck in that all the other boys in his class were little thugs with parents who think drinking in the day and fighting at the school gate is normal. DS is very civilised and super sensitive, it wasn’t a good fit. Ds hung out with the girls.

Ended up changing schools in year 4 as DS was beginning to question why he was so different to the other boys. Luckily we found a school with much more civilised boys and DS now laughs about how crap his old school was.

Assuming you don’t want to change schools, keep an eye out for local drama / coding / cricket / tennis classes where he can meet a more civilised type of boy and also be really careful that he doesn’t absorb sexist attitudes at school eg ‘boys play football’. Find somewhere where your DS fits in with the boys.

Original poster

wombpaloumbpa · 03/04/2024 21:18

@Lanore thanks - extremely helpful. Sounds very similar to us and I am not loving the school for this reason. Not adverse to moving him down the line and he has even mentioned it too! But I don't know how to be sure the boys at the next school won't be the same?

I was actually wondering about a drama club too.

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HoneyButterPopcorn · 03/04/2024 21:20

I think it’s sweet - but my experience is girls wanting to play with the boys.

It works fine when they are little then they hit an age when the boys don’t want the girls hanging around (and vice versa i guess)?

BirthdayRainbow · 03/04/2024 21:21

When my son was in reception h had a real issue that all his friends were girls. H said he had to learn to get on with boys. I told him, he is four. He will make friends his own way and there is nothing wrong with being gentle and wanting to spend time with girls. They are just children ffs.

My son is now 23. He has friends of both sexes. He is lovely, kind, empathetic, thoughtful and everyone loves him.

Sunshineclouds11 · 03/04/2024 21:26

My DS5 is exactly the same!
He loves the girls at school, does talk about the boys but they are too rough for him.

As a pp said, the parties I've been to recently the boys are wild. He did try to join in but I could see he wasn't comfortable so I moved him on.
Jumping ontop of each other, elbows and knees everywhere.

He prefers playing tag, floor is lava and so on.

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