1 child to 2

[Friedseasalt]

What is the raw truth of going from 1 child to 2? What really changes?

I don’t think there is a single answer to this question. There are so many variables. The main one being the temperament of the children. But also, access to childcare, family support, finances.

I struggled massively with my first. He was (and still is) a very difficult child, possibly ND. We had no local family. I had an extended period off work due to covid which didn’t suit me and meant money was v. tight.

I have found 2 a challenge but nowhere near as bad as the first year of my first. But my second baby is chill, I have more local family/friends support, eldest is in childcare, finances are healthy and It isn’t lockdown. 95% of my stress comes from the eldest still. My baby is regularly abandoned to entertain himself but thankfully he’s very good at that.

Not much has changed for us. We largely do things to keep DC1 regulated/entertained and the baby comes with us. If your first was a dream and your second is very high needs then the experience will be entirely different.

I've had an 8 year age gap so again, very different circumstances but I've found less childcare options, more chaos, really hard to get anything done, house gets messy and dirty much more quickly, feel more overstimulated, far less time to myself x

Thank you. Both insights are super useful.

I've found it easier as time has gone on. They now play really nicely together and love each other to bits. However at first, splitting your attention/time/energy between two rather than focusing solely on one gives rise to feelings of guilt and overwhelm that weren't there before. You get less free time too. Depending on the age of your first child, it can be a shock to go back to sleepless nights especially as you have to deal with tantrums or other strong emotions from older child while sleep deprived.

Depends on the age gap- I honestly didn’t find it that hard (3yr gap). I found 0-1 harder. The hardest part is more washing and the fighting when older.

I would also say it is even more important that your dp is stepping up to the plate when you have 2. Anecdotally I know of two couples who split not long after 2nd was born. I obviously know of many who stay together- I think you both have to pull your weight though

What really changed for me was this overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt for my first born for "abandoning" her, guilt for the baby for "putting him second", guilt for my husband for not cuddling him more, guilt for myself for putting myself through post partum again, guilt for the neighbours, guilt for the cats, guilt for the tooth fairy.... Just felt very guilty 😂 which was ridiculous but I put it down to the 4th trimester party.

I have a just 2 year old and a 2 month old.
its very early but it’s surprisingly fine so far…

key reasons;

• my DD totally accepts it and loves her DB. She loves being helpful she is also really loving and kind with him which we were NOT expecting.
• my DH is very present/competent and has stepped up significantly. Is it how I’d do it? It is perfect? No…. But it’s def good enough.
• sleep. The 2 yr old sleeps 7.30pm-7am and we have a tolerable routine in place with no 2. We also have night Nannies 2 nights per week
• I’m ultra organised. There are “systems” for most things. Clothing, nappies/ caddies, formula & bottles, family meals etc so everything is generally all prepped and ready to go.

going from 0 to 1 was like an absolute hand grenade going off though 😅

I've got a just turned 3 year old and a 9 month old (so a 28 month gap between them) and it is fucking carnage! I have never felt so tired, so thinly stretched, or so out of my depth. I have never worked so hard or ever felt a relentlessness like it. My eldest is only in nursery 2 days a week and neither me or my DH have any family nearby, so there is no very little rest. It is definitely at least twice the work having 2, and in my experience at least, there is no rest since the second came along.

I also absolutely bloody love the pair of them, and seeing their bond start to properly form has made me the happiest I have ever been. They are so amazing and I can't believe I've helped to make them.

But, did I mention the carnage?!?!

@Bobskeleton and I can completely relate to the guilt. So. Much. Guilt

@GreatGateauxsby forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming as you have night nannies, your eldest is also in nursery? I think the proportion of time spent with both kids together massively impacts the workload and sense of relentlessness. My friends who kept their first child in nursery full time found adding a second much easier as for the majority of the day they still only have one newborn - it's the combination of newborn/baby and toddler together 24/7 that's hard work

I'm with you on the need for DH/DPs to step up though, and you're right, being organised is also essential

Yes! That’s really fair actually I should have been clearer!

I have kept my DD in childcare, we had to in order to keep the place but it’s worked out quite well as we have been able to drop to 4 days for duration of my mat leave with a guarantee we can go back up to 5 when mat leave ends
so I have them both one day a week
I’ve also had them both all this week and childcare was closed.
Having both is def more work and requires a lot of organisation and “simplification” ( I dream pretty small… visit to ducks or playground vs sensory play at 35min drive away)

I tend to organise things when I just have the baby or in the evenings

I have a 14 month age gap. I would never recommend it.
They are completely opposite children in every way. First so hyper and eager to learn everything so quickly.. second not so much and not long diagnosed with ASD.
Life for me is difficult, relentless, tiring.
There are moments of joy in each day.. then in the next moment bites/hits/steals toy/sits in the wrong space/anything really and carnage ensues.

I need sleep. Years of it.

So going from 1-2 can be fine, just make sure the age gap is considered.

I did not. I am stupid.

I have an 11yo and an almost 3yo.

11 is the easiest child in the world to parent (wasn't saying the for his first 2 years but now he's a dream!!). This, and the fact that he's older, should have made adding no 2 into the mix all the easier. The almost 3 is, quite honestly, the devil's child and his terrible 2's are in full flow. It's not having the 2 that's difficult to be fair, it's managing no 2, and not feeling like no1 is missing out because of 2's needs.

For example, DS2 NEEDS his bed at bedtime. There's no sleeping in a pram or any such like. He's either sleeping in his bed or he's the Tasmanian Devil letting the world know he should be in bed. This means that evenings are somewhat tied to home whereas, pre DS2, we'd be all over the show with DS1 and he loved it but we've had to curtail that for now so it's hard not to feel like DS1 is missing out. He still does his stuff, just with one of us rather than as a family. It's not forever!!

Honestly I found it easy. 0 to 1 was very, very hard for me. 1 to 2 was a piece of cake.

@GreatGateauxsby you sound like my kind of parent... 'simplification' and 'dreaming small'.... absolutely!! 😅😅