Only one with no school mum friends

[ClaireRed]

I have a lovely group of friends ive known for 20 years, we all had kids around the same time and so have regularly met up for playdates since the kids were babies. The kids have recently started school (all at different schools due to locations) and we haven't been able to see as much of each other. This Easter break ive tried to organise a few meet ups but they have been busy with playdates with kids from their childs school. Its really hit me I haven't made friends with any of the mums at my child's school or even been on a playdate. One has become super close with a few mums from school and have had a few nights out, im really happy for her but feel a bit sad I haven't really made any friends and sad for my child that they dont have any kids to meet up with over Easter. I feel im friendly at drop offs and try to chat but everyone is so busy and there's not much chat except for the usual hello/bye. Am I doing something wrong?

Friendships aren’t made over having children the same age.

Do you chat to other parents at class parties? Have a class WhatsApp group?

At this age play dates usually involve the parent of the invited child so it’s more of an enforced meet-up, rather than because they necessarily want to spent time with the other adult.

Have you suggested a play date with a school mum?

I think there’s a lot of unrealistic expectations put on mums- the only close mum friend I have my child went to the same nursery as theirs and diff schools. II get on well enough with parents at parties etc but not close and tbh if I had a child free night I’d rather go out with my actual friends, who actually don’t have kids.

I never made 'mum friends'. I was only at drop off and pick one day of the week due to work. DS was and still is in wraparound care, but not as much now as dh job had changed. DS starts senior school September. Is what is.

Yes i have suggested to the Mum of my child's best friend in school to meet at the local playpark one weekend but she was busy and neither of us have mentioned it since. Yes we attend class parties and again I feel im friendly and join in the chat but thats all it really is. The class WhatsApp is pretty quiet and is really just used to confirm school events (no uniform days etc) and organise the teachers present. Again my friends have said there is more chat in their school mums WhatsApp groups and even regular whole class meet ups after school some days at the park/soft play even all went to the zoo together after the first few weeks of school. I just don't know if its me or this particular group of Mums. My child seems to have a nice group of about 4 boys he plays with but i would only really be friendly with that mum who didn't meet at the park

I never had mum friends. Just cause women have children the same doesn't mean you have anything else in common.

I have plenty of other friends from common interest, work, volunteering etc.

I think it's just luck really. In my eldest child's class, there were a lot of mums with already established friendship groups (older siblings) and because they were already parents at the school for a few years, they didn't really make any effort with new parents. With my second child there are a lot more new parents and even those with older kids at the school are just so much more friendlier. There is a much nicer atmosphere.

I feel the same way, my childs in reception and while i try to speak to everyone, im a very chatty and open person. I never usually struggle making friends etc, I havent made any particular ‘friends’ as such on the school run and I wonder if Im doing something wrong. I have some incredibly close friendships so its not as if I lack friends but.. I do wonder too OP!

You need to be proactive yourself then and arrange the playdates, meet ups and so on.

Personally I have little interest in making 'mum friends' at the school, I already have enough friends. I'm not in the class WhatsApp group. I have once arranged a meet up at a soft play in the holidays for my DC and two of her mates and of course DH and I have met various other parents at school pickup/drop-off and birthday parties and made polite small talk.

If you DO want those types of relationships though you have to make them yourself.

Is your child's year group full of younger siblings and therefore many of the parents have already got their "mum friends"? I've seen this happen when I was teaching. Sometimes you get a really heavy younger siblings year group and all the mums already kind of know one another or are done with the new "mum friend's" thing. I know one of my mummy friends has older kids and she's only made a couple of "mummy friends" of younger DCs age because she just can't be arsed with it all.

Or does your area have a very established playgroup where people make friends very early on?

In my area and also in my best friends area (both more rural and small towns) there is a very popular baby playgroup that an awful lot of mums attend. In our area mum friends start at that playgroup. There are loads of little established friendship groups and their children tend to attend same schools (choice of 5 in our town). I know and socialise with almost half the parents attending DDs school nursery after Easter from that playgroup. There is a school WhatsApp but I'm already part of the playgroup mums WhatsApp group so everyone just chats on there and uses the school one just for checking dates and school stuff. My best friend never attended her local playgroup and has encountered the same as you OP. Everyone says hello, the WhatsApp is quiet and she is struggling to find mum friends as everyone already knows one another.

and even regular whole class meet ups after school some days at the park/soft play even all went to the zoo together after the first few weeks of school. I just don't know if its me or this particular group of Mums.

That sounds very unusual to me.
Between them, my dc went to 4 different schools up to the end of Yr 6. I've not come across any of this happening in any of their classes.

I think it is your friend's school / class that is the outlier here.

Again, I didn't "make friends" with people because we had dc the same age. I became "friendly with" some of the other parents over time, and we all helped each other out with lifts, or collecting someone's dc from school when they got stuck, shared pleasantries in the playground or if walking home in the same direction, etc
Obviously, that's nice if someone does meet someone who goes on to become their friend, but don't think you are strange or unusual that that hasn't happened - particularly only 2 terms in!

I don't have mum friends and I don't think it's common around here. It's an affluent area and DCs tend to do lots of after school activities so there isn't time in the week. At weekends we tend to do family trips or weekends away as DH works Mon- Fri,and most families have it as their family time. The only families who do lots of play dates tbh use it as babysitting favours or to give their dc company if they are an only, it's more practical rather than a friendship between the mums.

Why don’t you post in the WhatsApp group to suggest a post drop off coffee or after school play ground session?

I wouldn’t have wanted to meet up with a school parent for a play date, park or whatever, at the weekend. If you don’t work, why not suggest after school instead if there’s a park near the school? Much easier, especially in the summer, and easy to chat to other mums on the bench.

I wouldn’t have anything in common with them and they look at me weird because I dress in bright colours and not pyjamas or a grey tracksuit

I don’t really understand the mum friend thing. You never hear fathers wanting dad friends at the school gate. I had my own friends and had no desire to make friends with other mums. I just find it odd so many want this.

Sometimes a parent messages on our group WhatsApp they are heading to a local playground if anyone is free and fancies it and more often than not a few tend to join- might be worth a shot?

Completely agree with this.

Mumsnet is very weird about school mum friends, it’s totally normal to want to make some OP.
I have come across the scenario where people already know each other from having older children etc.
but when my DC started school yes the mums did meet up, organised mum dinners / coffees, class park trips in the summer, etc.
there were a lot of birthday parties so everyone got to know each other through those. Private school, don’t know if that makes a difference.
DH and I both made good friends and 10 years on with DC in secondary school we still see our friends. We’ve been on holiday etc with some of them too. We weren’t expecting it at all but it’s nice to have local friends.
OP I would suggest making the first move, organising a class trip to the park, inviting a few mums for coffee, whatever. Are there a couple of friendlier mums you could ask first?