Trigger warning - 12 year old self harming

[Onemorefortheroad]

Have just found that my 12 year old has been self harming and cutting her arm with a blade from a pencil sharpener 😞

I know that a number of friends post on social media about SH and we always spoke about it and how if she ever feels like that then we can talk about it before it gets to that stage.

When asked about it, she just said it's her weight (she's not at all overweight in the slightest), her looks (she's very typically pretty but is insecure as wears lots of make up already which make me sad), feeling like she has no friends and that this would help take her mind off it.

I was inclined to think there's an element of attention seeking as I have checked her phone and she's told a couple of friends.

I just don't know what to do. Feeling absolutely devastated and heartbroken and no idea how to handle this 😞

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/for-friends-and-family/

I was a prolific self harmer and it's such a difficult experience to talk about.

The best therapy I had was where they gave me clean blades and kit to keep my wounds clean. No judgement, just support to stop infection.

Talk to your dd about safe coping mechanisms (screaming, red felt pen, holding ice etx) and don't see it as suicide attempts. It's mostly about strong emotions she can't cope with.

I used to say what's wrong with seeking attention? Get her a private counsellor she can confide in, don't ask if she's doing it, just check in with how she is feeling.

I wish you the best of luck xx

This is factually incorrect, there is a close link between self harm and suicide.

why is she wearing makeup?

I agree with @GingerLiberalFeminist up to a point. My dc started self harming at the same age in exactly the same way (pencil sharpener blades). It is important you seek help - if you can afford it then go private. Think about whether or not school needs to know - If they have access to blades at school they may start self-harming there which is a major safeguarding issue.

Talk to your dd about how to keep her wounds clean and how best to avoid scarring (we were recommended bio oil). Be sensitive to the fact she will need to cover her wounds at school (can she wear long sleeves? What about the summer? What about PE?)

Unfortunately, this activity can escalate. For us it was the transition to secondary school that was the trigger.

Thank you for responding with kindness.

I thought I knew her as we are quite close and this has just thrown me. So so unexpected.

I'm thoughtful about the link to transitioning to secondary school as that has been a lot more overwhelming (for both of us) than I think was expected and she seems to be in a group where there is quite a bit of pressure to 'fit in' and we have talked about how she might try to branch out a bit with new friends.

I have been thinking about getting her help, however, so far it seems that it's been a one off and so is it something that I need to keep on eye on for now, or do I try and get help from the get go? Has it been an attention seeking thing as lately she has been feeling like she has no proper friends that care?

I'm ashamed at how much I feel worried about what other people and parents are thinking about her doing this when that shouldn't even be a concern.

Argh!! Parenting is so hard 😫

Is she on social media? I listened to a podcast called The Truth About Social Media on the Raising Good Humans podcast. A researcher explained that they set up social media profiles as a 13 year old girl on a number of platforms and recorded the content that was presented to them.

On TikTok, self-harm content came up every 2m 47s or something shocking like that. And then if the young person had anything representing vulnerability in their profile, like a name like ‘suzieloseweight’ then it’s something like 10x more frequent.

So I would try and come to a very close understanding of what she’s using and if she’s on TikTok, think about that together.

Also, I understand the best way to understand self harm is that it’s an expression of inner pain. So trying to engage with her and understand more about what she is struggling with and what helps. Does she have hobbies outside of school? Friends or family that make her feel good?